Yugoff Praises the Return of Eddie, Laments Harris Loss

Note: Everything below is fiction

IRL Vice President of Spontaneity Gunter Yugoff today said the IRL is "bouncing back" after the loss of Todd Harris in the booth.

"Todd, he was fabulous," said Yugoff said. "I mean, wake up the queen, you never knew what he was going to say. For someone like me -- it was manna from heaven. Someone to add some spark amid all the 'dirty air' references. But now Todd is gone. I amit I was morose for a long time. For a while, I thought about resigning."

Yugoff's spirits got a lift in the last few weeks when long-time IRL driver Eddie Cheever said he would drive in the IRL races up to and including the Indy 500. Yugoff said Cheever, famous for his colorful quotes, is a godsend to the league.

"Eddie's 'like flying a jet fighter in a gymnasim' is one of the all-time classic quotes," said Yugoff. Cheever made his famous quote about driving an Indy Car at the .75-mile Richmond speedway. "I'm looking forward to 'lunacy' and 'insanity' and the rest of it. I just hope Eddie drinks lots Red Bull before each race. Oh ... sorry."

Yugoff was encouraged by this exchange between Cheever and Marco Andretti after a practice crash on April 1.

"I'm learning who I can trust and who I can't," the Indy Star reported Marco Andretti as saying. "I can't believe he did that to me. He turned right into me with the right front (wheel). Now I've been Cheever-ed."

Cheever: "It was absurd. We were at the end of the straightaway in the braking zone, and I was holding my (driving) line. I was not moving to the left or to the right. He clipped my right-hand side. It's true Andretti style that the mistake is somebody else's. Why change something that's been consistent for 50 years?"

Yugoff also has high hopes for P.J. "Let's Throw Some Dirt on this Bitch" Chesson, a rookie driver for a Carmelo Anthony and Gene Simmons sponsored team. Chesson began his career in go-karts and then moved to motocross before going to the famously salty World of Outlaws sprint car series. He's known for his unconventional and often colorful demeanor.

"God I love those sprint car drivers," said Yugoff, "God help me, I do love them so. We have high hopes that P.J. will stand for 'Pretty Jocular.' "

As for the ABC/ESPN booth announcers, Yugoff said so far he's been somewhat disappointed in the trio of Marty Ried, Rusty Wallace and Scott Goodyear.

"I was hoping Rusty would bust into some 'boggity boggity' gibberish and start clipping off random syllables of what he was saying in a NASCAR-ish fashion, but he was amazingly understandable in the first race," said Yugoff. "But, Danica wasn't on the track for that race, so the Danica Factor may cause him to babble as wonderfully as Todd Harris. We'll have to wait and see."

In other news, ABC announced that Jamie Little is in the running to be an in-both announcer for NASCAR races next year. They wouldn't confirm reports that the network sent Little a case of Hooters T-shirts "in preparation for audition."