Champ Car ESPN Deal Part of Covert Unification Drive

Note to the gullible: everything below is made up.

The multi-year agreement between the Champ Car World Series and ESPN is really part of a stealth unification scheme, according to multiple sources within both series.

"The ESPN deal is just the tip of the iceberg," said one IRL insider. "Underneath the water line a bunch of us are working toward merging together one little thing at a time, when no one is looking. We plan to eventually tell (IRL chief) Tony Geroge (left) about it once everything is unified, maybe bring it up during a round of golf. Like, 'Hey, Tony, a bunch of us went ahead and got that unification thing out of the way.' "

ESPN announced November 16 that at least 11 Champ Car races in 2007 and the full series in 2008 will be aired on ESPN, ESPN2 and ABC. ESPN and its sister stations currently broadcasts all the Indy Racing League's races. The announcement from ESPN means that the series will now have a unified broadcaster.

The IRL and Champ Car are the two major open-wheel series in the U.S. A large contingent of open-wheel fans have long called for the merger or "unification" of the two open-wheel series into one. Proponents claim unification would help ensure the survival of American major-league open-wheel racing by combining resources and creating a larger fan audience that would make sponsorship of the league more appealing.

According to insiders, people associated with both leagues have grown tired of waiting for George and Champ Car leader Kevin Kalkhoven to make a merger deal. The frustration has led to a plan to "just merge stuff and maybe just e-mail Tony and Kevin when it's done."

Beside having a common broadcaster, IRL and Champ Car insiders plan to use the same telephone carrier, switch to a common Web host and start using the same providers for "coffee cups and other disposable paperware."

"We also think we're getting close on having a unified lawn service and the same janitorial supply vendor," said a Champ Car source familiar with the covert plans.

"With The Grand Puppetmaster (ESPN) on board, we think the merger will happen sooner, rather than later," said a Champ Car insider. "Maybe we'll get the job done and tell Tony and Kevin when they come back from a long weekend. We're actually targeting having everything done so we can break it to the guys after Christmas break 2007."

Reports that Indianapolis Motor Speedway Radio Network announcer Mike King has spent several hours practicing pronouncing "Bourdais," "Junqueira," and "Pizzonia" could not be confirmed.
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