Notes from the IRL Honda Grand Prix of St. Petersburg 2006

Notes from the ESPN coverage of the Honda Grand Prix of St. Petersburg on 4/2/06

Something like 15 seconds into the broadcast and we're talking to Danica. Danica-fo-fanica. D-D-Danica! She's wearing possibly the world's largest production sunglasses. Looks like someone stapled a tinted visor to her head. Massive. Let's do this: Let's give the Danica interviewers some new questions. Let's veer sharply away from the "So, you going to win today?" line of questioning. Work on it. Maybe ask her about her power yoga or something. Mix it up.

Brent "Street Cred" Musburger is trackside with Rusty "Hot Rod" Wallace. Got themselves some kind of NFL on Fox Super Bowlish set up there. Talking about Paul Dana. Montage representing about how it's unfair to Paul to go off about what caused the accident, etc. Ed Carpenter talks about how it's wrong to diss Paul. Tony George and Buddy Rice also represent on Paul's behalf. Nicely played. Major props to Paul for chasing down his ethanol sponsorship and being part of the league switching to ethanol. A little video montage tribute to Paul. He earned his ride.

Commercial break: Peter Brady is now schleping the "Ab Lounger XL." Commercial break features Christopher Knight, aka Peter Brady, promising sculpted abs if you try the Ab Lounger. Hey, a guy's gotta eat. I did not, oddly, run to my phone to take Pete up on his offer of a free trial.

Obligatory "I AM INDY" promo coming out of the commercial. I wonder if Gene gets paid residuals for it.

Over to Vince for an interview with Wheldon. Wait a second, Wheldon looks very de-jelled. Dan is not jelling for this race. There are no visible hair products. Kind of has the dry look going. What the? Dan has what appears to be the same sun glasses on as Danica. Those things are huge. Maybe they both have the same endorsement deal.

Helio with Jamie Little (get her in a car!). Helio and Jamie together make the perky-o-meter hit the rev limiter. They are both ON FIRE to be there. If Helio and Jamie reproduced the child would exit the birth canal doing a cheer. That also would be one attractive baby. Helio says patience is the key. Don't get freaked out to lead on lap 6.

Over to Jerry Punch, M.D., with Dario. Talks about Dario taking the tires in practice. Dario thanks Punch for bringing it up. The whole race-day practice thing. Dicy. Rusty is not in favor of race-day practice sessions. He's spoken to Brian Barnhart about it.

Over to Jack the Root in the Andretti pit. I'd like to know how many races it takes before someone interviewing Marco can complete the entire interview without mentioning that Marco is, in fact, related to Michael or Mario. Sha. "Your dad" and "grandpa" are like the fifth words out of every interviewer's mouth. Um, maybe make MORE of the family connection and just call him "Michael's son is here with me and ..."

Jack asks Mario's Grandson what he thinks of Cheever. Video of Cheever and Mike's son getting together in practice. Mike's kid says Cheever chopped him. Arute ends the interview in a truly unique way by saying, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." GENIUS. Wait a second -- you mean Marco is RELATED to Michael and Mario? I had no idea ... No chance for Cheever to give his side. Screw Eddie! He's not an Andretti.

Gene Simmons goes for audience participation on the "lady and gentlemen, start your engines" with marginal success. Maybe if he had the makeup on they would have been with him more.

19 cars, 14 turns. Let's go to Marty, Rusty and Scott Goodyear.

Goodyear talks about 14 turns and tough to pass. Shows Kosuke going nose first into the tires followed by Dario. Rusty talks about his taking a spin in Sam Hornish's Indy Car back during the Homestead test. Video of it. Rusty is not exactly lighting it up going around the track. Helio: "How long has this guy been racing again?" Dissed by the Brazilian! We ain't got no power steering in an Indy Car, Rusty. This ain't cushy NASCAR, here. Prepare to get your ass beaten like a rented mule for 100 laps on a bumpy course and work the wheel until your shoulders scream for mercy. Welcome to open wheel.

We're riding with Danica around the course. Goodyear narrates. Danica starts 14th. Wheldon 13th. Marco 10th. Tony Kanaan 3rd. Dixon 2. Dario 1.

ESPN/ABC is into talking to the drivers while they are on the track. This is Rusty's job for the entire season. He gives it kind of a citizen's band radio thing: "Dan Wheldon, this is Rusty Wallace in the ESPN booth, you got us?" Very Smokey and the Bandit-ish. "Breaker 1-9, this is Rusty Rocketship. You got your ears on, Danny? Come back."

Coming down the front straight during the warm up they set off a bunch of fireworks causing a major smokescreen. I can't see the cars. Drivers are probably "WTF? I can't see sheeee-it."

Let's go to Jack who reminds us that the average rookie takes 33 races before he or she wins, and Danica is only about half way there. Expectations managed. Let's go around the horn -- Punch with TK. Jamie talks about Ed Carpenter who is sitting this one out with a bruised lung. Roberto Moreno is in Ed's ride. First race since 1999.

Let's light this candle. Green flag. Green flag.

Cue the circus music as we head into turn 1. Wait a second. We're through turn 1 with no one rolling it! Now we've competed a whole lap without a yellow. Tony Kanaan is very strong. Fitness is key. Tony's got the guns on him. Rusty says he has arms like a World Wrestling Federation wrestler. Tony "Super Fly" Kanaan.

After lap 1 --Dario, Dixon, Super Fly, Hornish, Helio, Rice, Herta, Scheckter, Matsuura, Mario's Grandson. Danica 14th.

Lap 4, Dario is 1.5 seconds ahead. Jack the Root reports that Dan is up to 6.

Wheldon and Marco (Michael's Boy). I think Marco chopped him. Marco wasn't going to give up on the corner, hung in there. We got contact. Jack rushes to ask Michael if Marco learned that from Mike or Mario? Wait a second. You mean Marco is RELATED to Michael and Mario? I wasn't picking that up.

Lap 10 -- Dario, Dixon, Super Fly, Helio, Sammy, Rice, Bryan "World of" Herta, Scheckter, Matsuura, Micheal's Boy.

Lap 15. Dario has trouble. He's toast. Into the pits. Front right suspension is shot. Jack is all over it. Reports the upper ball joint is popped out. Not good. Jack with Dario. Dario says he felt it coming for a few laps then it popped. Dario: "I'm just pissed off right now. Even with three wheels in the wagon we were still pulling away." Can he say "pissed" on TV? Do we need a five-second delay here?

Lap 20 -- Dixon, Tony Kanaan, Helio, Sam, Rice, Herta, Scheckter, Matsuura (stop me if you've heard this one before) The Third Generation of Andrettis, Vitor Meira.

Dixon leads by 3.5 seconds. Lap 24 he's ahead by about 15 seconds.

Marty: "Let's go to the Triple J Ranch" for a roundup.

Checking in with Danica. She's still in the race. Arute reports that Helio was hanging out with Sebastian Bourdais of that other series recently. Hornish likes his car. Jamie says Buddy Rice is up to fifth. Punch says Herta has understeer. Punch also has a report on Marco in which he, shockingly, mentions Mario and Michael. Marco is a -- get ready for it -- "chip off the block." Where do they come up with this stuff? GENIUS. I'm sensing that Marco is related to Michael and Mario.

Back on the course, Roberto Moreno is driving like he's in a NASCAR. Paint is being swapped. Sticks his nose into the back of Vitor's car. We got yellow carbon fiber flying.

Lap 29. Moreno pits. Might have screwed himself with the partial punt of Vitor. Jamie is all over it. Says they are sending Moreno back out.

Lap 30 -- Dixon, Tony, Helio, Sam, Herta, Scheckter, Masuura, Rice, Mario's Grandson, Vitor. Lap 33 -- Pit cycle begins. Lap 37 -- Danica is 12th. Somewhere Todd Harris is screaming "HERE COMES MS. PATRICK!"

Lap 40 -- Dixon, Helio, Kanaan, Rice, Sam, Herta, Scheckter, Matsuura, Wheldon, Vitor.

Dixon leads the race by a week. I think he stopped for some smokes in turn five. Lap 43 Helio almost rams his nose under Dixon's tail. One of Dixon's front wing flaps is cutting a grove into Dixon's front tire. Smoke rolling. Arute testifies as to the greatness of Firerstone Firehawks.

Lap 44 -- Helio passes for the lead. Televised pass for the lead!

We're coming up on half the race without a yellow. Rusty is used to having about 12 cautions before the midpoint. His attention span may be getting taxed by all this green-flag racin'.

Felipe and Helio touch wheels.

Lap 46. Leaders go around PJ "Throw Some Dirt on this Bitch" Chesson. Not his day. About the closest thing to a street course in dirt track is when someone cuts through the infield. Here I notice that Buddy Lazier is out of the race. None of our business why.

Lap 50 -- Helio, Dixon, Tony (this seems familiar) Rice, Herta, Sam, Scheckter, Matsuura, Vitor, Wheldon.

Lap 53 -- Yellow, yellow, yellow. Chesson went ass around. Stalled off to the side. No contact.

Commercials. Note to Firestone: get some new commercials. The one that starts with Marco's Grandfather saying "I've been racing for 36 years ..." I've seen maybe 102 times and is at least three years old. Those Firestone ads that start with the driver's dream, as in "Danica's Dream, to ... " probably about eight years old. Ditto for Honda. I can about recite the ad that goes "it start with a dream, that led to a philosophy ... "

Dude, how many laps of caution does it take? This seems like about a 40-lap caution. Get PJ restarted and let's rock and roll. Wait a second, DANICA IS UP TO THIRD. She stayed out when everyone else pitted and gained about 10 spots. Danica staying out to move up in the field. This is totally unheard of!

Lap 55 -- Wheldon tries to go around Sam under yellow and gets punted. What the? Wheldon basically came into Sam and got a spanking for his effort. Crazy. Much discussion by the boys in the booth. Chip says race control told Wheldon to get in front of Sam "and the guy hits us." Who hit who, Chippy? Goodyear says it was foolish to get in front of Sam during that tight part of the course when they could have sorted it out on a straight away.

Let's go to Wheldon -- He says he ran over Hornish. Calls it a "silly mistake" and something that "shouldn't happen under yellow." Chippy, take note. Danno stands up and admits a screw up. Props to Wheldon.

Marco (that's Michael's boy, you know) is out. Snapped another half shaft like a dry twig. If you get on it before it's off the jack, you'll bust your drive shaft like a cheap pencil. Mario's Grandson says he needs to learn how not to do that. I give Marco props for being honest about it.

Let's go green (finally) at Lap 60 -- Rice, Herta, Danica (didn't not pit under yellow) Helio, Dixon, Kanaan, Sam, Matsuura, Vitor, Scheckter. Danica watch -- She's third at the restart and seventh one lap later. Not so good.

Lap 64 -- we go to Brian Barnhart who confirms that Wheldon was in fact supposed to move up a spot.

Lap 67 -- Buddy Rice pitting, Herta in. Danica in. Last stop for these three. The rest of the field has to pit before the end.

Hornish in. Fuel only. Dixon has more front wing issues. Got the wing end plate flapping in the breeze.

OK, is it me, or does Jack Arute end every report from the pit with some all-caps statement. So, he's talking about the flapping nose on Dixon's car, then then he gets like really close to the mic and says the last six words of his report with high drama .... "AND THEY REALLY DON'T WANT DIXON TO KNOW." Yeah, it's bugging me a lot.

Lap 75 -- (this may sound familiar) Helio, Dixon, Tony Kanaan, Scheckter, Matsuura, Vitor, Sam, Herta, Rice, Danica.

Sam has issues. Goes wide and locks up the brakes. Loses about five spots. Tons of issues. Sam is off the course, swings the ass around and gets back on the course. Nice move to avoid the caution. Rusty: "It could be the breaks, it could be the tires -- it's definitely brakes or tires."

Lap 85 -- (Take a guess) Helio, Dixon, Kanaan (how did you know?) Scheckter (!) Vitor (!) Matsuura, Rice, Herta, Danica, Sam.

Lap 88 -- Cheever gets a chance to take out the leader. Doesn't do it. Gets lapped. No air time for Eddie today. He, apparently, is not related to the Andretti's. Dixon is trying to stretch it out so he can pit and not lose the lead. Helio and Kanaan pit. Scheckter is second!

10 to go -- Dixon, Scheckter, Helio, Kanaan, Vitor, Matsuura, Rice, Herta, Danica, Sam.

Scheckter pits on Lap 93. 6 to go -- Dixon pits. Can't get out before Helio passes, but rams it into second just in front of Kanaan.

Four to go -- yellow yellow yellow. Rice gets into Scheckter. ESPN goes to Scheckter's in-car radio traffic but cuts it off when it's clear that Scheckter may soon be using marginal language.

Holy DirecTV outage! Right here a huge thunderstorms hit the pressdog's house. My dish goes black. I got zip. Nothing. I'm pissy. I deploy the emergency online radio broadcast in time to hear that Helio wins. Fences are being climbed.

My TV comes back to life in time for the post-race interview in which Helio yells that his spotter was yelling "Go for it; go like HELL (can he say "hell?") I drove it like a stole it."

Scheckter had 4th until Rice punted him. Nice.

Lap 100 -- Helio, Dixon, Kanaan, Herta, Vitor (!), Danica (Todd Harris is at a bar somewhere screaming: "ROOKIE SENSATION!") Matsuura.

Bonus programming note: pressdog plans his first ever ChampCar World Series racing notes for April 9 at Long Beach. Buckle up, NBC, because the p-dog will be in the hiz-ouse.