Andretti Green Racing Meets to Decide Indy 500 Winner

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

In an unprecedented move, the Andretti Green Racing team met Tuesday (May 10) in Indianapolis to determine who will win the 2005 Indy 500. The meeting came 19 days before the formality of holding the race itself occurs on May 29.

"We'll, heck, it's pretty obvious one of our four cars is going to win," said team owner Michael Andretti. "For us, the biggest problem is figuring out which of the four it will be."

The Andretti Green drivers include Tony Kanaan, Dario Franchietti, Dan Wheldon and Brian Herta.

Andretti said the team has tried various methods to determine which car wins the race. One method was using a bingo-style, air-driven machine that pops a numbered ping-pong ball up at random.

The non-selected drivers aren't told to lose, but they do agree to drive one-handed, which should keep them in the top five but out of first.

Andretti said he used the ping-pong machine throughout the year last year, but considered other options when AG driver Dario Franchietti complained that fellow driver and 2004 Indy Points Champion Tony Kanaan had nine balls in the machine.

Under the threat of having his wife, Ashley Judd, hold a news conference to expose the scandal, Andretti went to a new system. The actual procedure is a closely guarded secret, but it's said to involve a rock-paper-scissors tournament before each race.

AGR team member Dan Wheldon appears to be dominate in that game given his multiple wins so far this season.

"So we have to figure it out," Andretti said. "Everyone wants to win it, and I have to determine if keeping Dario mentally regular requires that he wins or if I can maybe slip dark horse (and fourth AGR driver) Brian Herta in there."

One thing the team seemed united on was stopping the challenge from the upstart Rahal Letterman team. At last year's rain-marred Indy 500, AG driver Buddy Rice won the 500.

"If I have to see Rahal's grinning face again on TV in the winner's circle, I'm going to puke," said Kanaan. "No way he wins this year. And that new driver, Danica Patrick, she's toast. I'll introduce her to the Brazilian Hip Check. We'll throw a block party in her honor, don't you worry."

© 2005 Bill Zahren