Champ Car Launches Organization-wide Search for Testicles

Note to the slow-witted. The Paul Tracy quotes below are accurate, but everything else is made up.

A spokesperson for the Bridgestone Presents the Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford (BPCCWSPF) confirmed Wednesday that the organization had launched a full-scale search for a set of balls.

“We know we had some testicles around here somewhere,” said the spokesperson who declined to be named, “We had them out right after the San Jose race (July 30). But now we just seemed to have misplaced them."

Ironically, spokesperson for the only literally ball-less driver, British rookie Katherine Legge, was at the forefront of urging BPCCWSPF to find a set.

“When Katherine nudges Andy Ranger into the tires, then Champ Car suddenly has some huge testicles and puts Katherine on probation for rough driving," said a spokesperson for Katherine Legge who declined to be identified. "When Paul Tracy totally spears Sebastien Bourdais on the last lap, suddenly it’s eunuch-city in the front office. Yeah, they are real 'racing alphas' up there for sure. If not balls, Katherine suggests they 'grow a set of ovaries, at least.' ”

The search apparently started immediately after an incident between drivers Sebastien Bourdais and Paul Tracy -- who was on "probation" for driving into another car during the previous race -- on the last lap of the BPCCWSPF race at Denver on Aug. 13.

Replays seem to show Bourdais had passed Tracy on the outside when Tracy drove too fast into the brake zone, locked the brakes and slid into the inside of Bourdais' car. Both drivers were knocked out of the race.

After the race Tracy was unrepentant: “I wasn’t surprised," Tracy told SPEED TV. "It was the last corner so if he’s that desperate for two points (the difference between finishing third and second) that’s the risk you take. I don’t feel sorry for him. He took me out of five races last year so I guess paybacks are a bitch."

When reminded by the press later that Tracy was on "probation" for recklessly bashing into Alex Tagliani a race earlier, Tracy, a Canadian, scoffed. "What are they going to do, (take) me out of a race in Canada? Give me a break," Tracy told the Indianapolis
Star.

On Wednesday, having lost their balls, BPCCWSPF fined Tracy $25,000 and put him on double-secret probation (extended his probation for another race). Race insiders were sure there was absolutely no connection in the BPCCWSPF "punishment" and BPCCWSPF's car count being in the dirt and the next race being in Canada.

"Champ Car had to decide between having integrity and sitting Tracy for a race and making more money by having Tracy in the race," said one race observer. "And they detatched their nuts and chose the cash."

The Bourdais camp was incredulous. "I wonder what would happen if Tracy pulled out a nine (millimeter pistol) and cracked off some rounds at Sebastien? A stern talking to? This is starting to look like a remake of Roller Ball. If James Caan shows up to drive a car with spiked gloves on, we're outta here."

Given BPCCWSPF's apparent embrace of prison-rules racing, rumors circulated that Bourdais' teammate Bruno Junqueira was overheard saying, "(Tracy teammate) A.J. Allmendinger's front wins are going to be motherf*cking confetti by lap five of next race, bitches."

BPCCWSPF expected the search for testicles to continue until some rookie backmarker caused a crash, at which time they would once again find their balls.

In other news, BPCCWSPF race announcer Rick Benjamin downplayed Oscar talk for his brief roll as a race journalist in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. "Hold onto your hollyhocks, that was as good a performance as I've ever seen in a krrrr racing film," said Benjamin's boothmate, Derek Daly. "Grandma would have to be well into the whiskey not to recognize that."

Benjamin said "It would be an honored just to be nomiated" and denied rumors that he had asked T.J. Patrick, father and agent for IRL princess bride Danica Patrick (5-1, 101 pounds after breakfast) to make inquires with NASCAR broadcasters. "I'm just keeping my options open," Benjamin said.