IMS Bans Sale of French Fries

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

In what insiders call "retaliation against Frog invasion," the Indianapolis Motor Speedway today banned the sale of French fries.

"We'll sell Liberty Fries instead because, well, this is one place that supports the troops," said an IMS concession official who refused to give his name.

Insiders suspect that the move is in response to the presence of Frenchman Sebastien Bourdais, reigning Champ Car World Series champion. Bourdais and his teammate, Brazilian Bruno Junqueira, will attempt to qualify for the 89th Annual Indianapolis 500 starting Saturday.

While the presence of the Champ Car champ has some fans hopeful that someone, anyone (Bueller?) will break up the Andretti Green/Rahal Letterman stranglehold on IRL winning, some bitterness apparently lingers France's failure to support the U.S. in Iraq and the 10-year-old IRL-CART split.

The black helicopterists believe some Indy Racing League hard-cores will do anything to throw "Satan's drivers" (Bourdais and Juqueira) off their game and thereby spare the Indy 500 the indignity of being won by a recent Champ Car driver -- again.

The Indy Racing League, which includes the Indy 500, has been criticized by fans for not having enough Amerikin drivers. Critics called the Liberty Fries thing a thinly veiled attempt to shake that image while sticking it to Bourdais.

In other news, a record 187 media outlets reported the breaking news that Danica Patrick is, in fact, female.

© 2005 Bill Zahren