Indy to give Patrick a "Do Over"

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

Indianapolis Motor Speedway officials Monday announced they were giving rookie driver Danica Patrick a rare "do over" for her pole day run.

"Well, Danica is such a breath of fresh air, such a great young competitor, and, of course, female, so we'd really, really, really like to see her win the pole," said an IMS official who declined to be identified.

The official expected the speedway to announce "We're going to pretend it's still Sunday" just as Patrick took to the track.

In qualifying Sunday, a mistake in turn 1 slowed Patrick enough to land her in fourth place. Patrick said after the run she felt like she had the car to win the pole.

The IMS marketing staff, stumped for any other angles to promote, had heavily promoted Patrick as the "first and hottest female with a shot for the pole." All last week marketers send out hundreds of news releases that said simply, "Danica is FEMALE and she's hot" along with copies of her now-famous "standing by the tires" photo. Several marketing staffers were under suicide watch after Patrick qualified fourth.

IMS officials thought Patrick winning the pole would bring HUGE media exposure that hasn't been seen in roughly 20 years at the speedway. With the prospect of such amazing coverage still in the air, they've reportedly decided to allow Patrick a do-over.

"There's just so much riding on it," said the official. "I mean, look at the crowds for pole day. Maybe 87 people. We need something, anything to jolt some life back into this race."

Andretti Green Racing driver Tony Kanaan, who (in a shocking development) won the pole (barring any re-dos) wasn't having any of it.

"Hey, she got her four laps. I can't help it if she almost went sideways in one. Life is tough sometimes."

If the re-do doesn't happen, IMS marketing readied plans to introduce the first ever Spandex fire suit if the race hadn't sold out by May 20.

Meanwhile, an estimated 89 percent of race fans had no idea that Indy 500 pole competition was going on. They were instead glued to the Hooters pro tour race on SPEED.

© 2005 Bill Zahren