IRL Implements Danica-Related Changes

Note to the humorless: this is all fiction. I made it up for humor purposes.

The Indy Racing League announced today that it will implement several changes to help the league capitalize on the growing fan attention for rookie sensation Danica Patrick.

"Good god, we're not stupid," said one IRL insider. "When a cash cow walks into your living room, you milk it."

Spurred by the Danica-only autograph line offered at Milwaukee, league officials said they would take the concept one step further and have a Danica-only race as well.

Plans call for Patrick (5'-1", 100 pounds) to circle the track alone for 200 laps or two hours, whichever comes first.

"We thought, hey, if everyone is here to see Danica run out front, you know, what the hell?" said a well-placed league official. "I bet you $10 we have a strong 80% of the crowd we'd have for a more traditional race."

Race officials predicted Danica would get off to a slow start, struggle a bit with set ups, but then gradually move her way to the front and pick up the victory in the Danica-only race.

In another development, league officials confirmed that Danica will now be fitted with a global positioning satellite chip in her fire suit. The exact location of where the chip would be in her suit was not disclosed. By placing the GPS device in Danica's suit, league officials hope to allow ABC/ESPN to know exactly where Danica is (within two feet) at all times.

The league will also fit Danica with a strobe beacon on top of her helmet to greatly aid fans in keeping track of her on the track, and also help the media find Danica in a crowd.

"She's a five-foot bundle of excitement, which is a problem when she's in a crowd of us 6-footers," said ABC trackside reporter Jamie Little. "We lose track of her for seconds at a time, and those are seconds when we may want to ask her a key question like what her favorite color is and if Indy racing is anything like the movie Driven starring Sly Stallone."

Patrick was especially cool to the idea of wearing the GPS chip.

"You know, I wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom and there's Jamie Little with some camera guy setting up for a shot," said Patrick. "She pulls me next to her and suddenly she's asking if I'm OK with my toothpaste setup this morning. And I'm like, you know, 'Can I just go to the can in my own house?' "

In other news, Andretti Green leaders said their boycott of an autograph session at Milwaukee wasn't because they are "being pissy."

"No way we were pissy about it," said a team official. "A bit peevish, perhaps. A bit out of sorts, maybe. Even a little churlish. But 'pissy,' no way." AGR later released a statement saying they were going to protest to IRL officials for having to answer "stupider questions than Danica."

©2005 Bill Zahren