F-1 Drivers too Heartbroken to Race, Ecclestone Loses His Grip

Note: This is all made up. Fiction. Didn't really happen. (Except for the Ecclestone appliance quote. That's real.)

The bizarre race-day pull out of 14 F-1 teams from the U.S. Grand Prix on June 19 and Formula 1 chief Bernie Ecclestone's more bizarre comments recently have been traced back to a common event.

Insiders say both stem from a deep, emotional hurt created when Indy phenom Danica Patrick (5'-1", 100 pounds) decided not to do some exhibition laps in an F-1 car as part of race weekend festivities.

Patrick was scheduled for an exhibition run in a Honda powered car, but pulled out after Rahal-Letterman sponsors and the IRL hierarchy went "ape shit" at the idea of Patrick even looking at an F-1 car, let alone driving one.

"The drivers, they were all crushed at the news" said one F-1 insider. "They spent the night getting pissed (drunk) and then went out to warm up, all hung over, but all they could think was 'This would have been so much better if Danica had been out here first.' So they just walked off. Quit. Couldn't drive with the tears running down their faces."

Officials said the embarrassed teams concocted the widely reported story that the team's Michelin tires could not handle the stress caused by parts of the course. The six drivers who did stay included eventual "winner" Michael Schumacher.

"I saw no reason to quit the race," Schumacher said in the days after his "win." "I mean, I was in the field, so there's no reason for people to be upset or quit for the girl. When she gets to be as huge as I am, then we can talk. I also don't know what the fans were complaining about. Again, they got to see me win, so what's the problem?" The other five cars who ran the race reportedly took their cues from Schumacher.

There was no immediate comment on how the tragic turn of events would effect Patrick's race at Richmond this weekend. ABC/ESPN had assigned Danica Patrick authority, Paul Harris (himself inconsolable over Danica's decision not to cruise in an F-1 car), to get the scoop. "I'll find out how this is going to play out with the Mother Teresa of racing," Harris said.

Even F-1 boss Ecclestone, under intense criticism from fans who shelled out major coin to watch a 6-car parade, seemed to lose his grip over Patrick's decision not to drive.

In a call to Patrick and again in a later interview, Ecclestone appeared to be speaking in tongues. Among the comments Ecclestone actually made (I'm not making this part up) was that "Women should be all dressed in white like all other domestic appliances.''

"I just didn't make sense of it,'' Patrick actually said during an IRL teleconference actually reported by the AP. "I was surprised, I guess, somebody would say that to me."

In response, Rahal-Letterman co-owner David Letterman announced "Ecclestone will never sit his billionaire ass on my guest couch, I can assure you." Patrick said she was used to being compared to something hot, like a microwave, but not anything on the refrigerator order.

In other news, reports that female NASCAR drivers Erin Crocker and Allison Duncan threw popcorn at the back of Patrick's head during the "Herbie: Fully Loaded" premiere could not be confirmed.