Indy Teams Begin Quietly Recruiting Jockeys, League Officials Fear Binge Dieting

Please note: this is all made up. Fiction. For entertainment purposes only. Work with me here.

Evidence is mounting that more and more Indy Racing League drivers may be engaging in dangerous dieting practices in the wake of a 100-pound racer's success.

Also, sources say IRL teams have quietly put out feelers for "jockey-sized people" who can drive.

Although the official league sources declined to comment, insiders say IRL officials are alarmed by the growing reports of empty cases of Trim Spa diet suppliment discovered outside team garages.

The issue of weight first surfaced last week when NASCAR driver Robbie Gordon claimed the weight of demuniative phenom, Danica Patrick, gave her an advantage. Patrick's oft-reported weight is a scant 100 pounds, compared to Gordon's 200-ish-pound girth.

Gordon said the theory is simple, the more weight the car has to carry, the lower its top speed and the more fuel it uses per mile. And, since Indy Car rules specify the minimum weight of the car without the driver, it opens the door door for rail-thin drivers to have an advantage, all things being equal.

“It makes a big difference,” Dan Wheldon, who finished three spots in front Danica Patrick at the Indy 500, told MSNBC.com Monday. “If it didn’t in qualifying, you wouldn’t worry about the fuel. We try to make it basically run out during qualifying, and that’s what a difference of six or seven pounds makes. I definitely think it’s an advantage and I’m pretty sure in due time you’ll have a rule change on that.”

In an ominous admission, Wheldon also told MSNBC.com the rules have forced the IRL drivers to be as light as possible." A lot of us have changed our training regimen for that,” he said. “I’m not lifting as much weight as I used to, and I’m running like a son of a gun.”

Officials now fear Indy drivers will run like sons of a gun to GNC to load up on questionable diet aids. They also fear IRL drivers will start behaving like high school wrestlers in a Lifetime made-for-TV movie -- going without food the day before the race or whatever it takes to cut weight.

"About the last thing you need are a bunch of drivers loaded up on laxatives so they can be two or three pounds lighter on race day," said one insider. "And, if these guys and gals all stop drinking beer, well, there goes the league as far as I'm concerned. Hell, I think AJ once drove the 500 with an open beer in his hand."

Elsewhere, rumors swirlled that leading IRL teams had put ads in horseracing trade pubs for jockeys who "wanted to get their careers on the fast track and ride something that will never shit on them." The ads, apparently, were not placed by Toyota-powered teams.

Most non-Penske Toyota teams, however, said they weren't concerned with the weight rule since Casper the Friendly Ghost, who is technically weightless, couldn't put there cars in victory circle.

In other news, Vitor Meira, who finished second in the Indy 500 and two places in front of teammate Danica Patrick, was considering changing his name to "Vitoria." Also, "The guy who finished in front of Danica" became the sixth most searched phrase on Google.

© 2005 Bill Zahren