Kanaan Walks Track Naked, Media Rushes to get Patrick's Reaction

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

Tony Kanaan, the 2005 Indy 500 pole winner, walked the track naked today, an event only captured on film as he walked in back of the thousands of cameras focused on Danica Patrick.

"Danica, Danica, Danica," Kanaan said, sounding a lot like fictional Jan Brady who lived in the shadow of her older, more popular sister, Marcia. "I won the pole! I'm the fastest."

After Kanaan's tirade failed to attract the attention of anyone other than the Indy News Shopper reporter, he stripped off his firesuit and started circling the historic track in the buff.

Kanaan's timing was unfortunate, however, since he picked the exact time IRL superstar Danica Patrick chose to eat some nachos. The resulting media frenzy around Danica's lunch consumption left Kanaan to circle the track virtually unnoticed.

If Kanaan hadn't walked in back of Danica at one point, thereby wandering into the shot, the entire event might have gone unnoticed. Fortunately, a nacho Danica's was biting obscured the most offensive part of Kanaan's walk.

After word of the speedway streak leaked, the media camped out outside the Rahal Letterman trailer trying to get Danica's reaction to Kanaan's nakedness. Danica had no comment on the incident. Kanaan reported only a slight sunburn as a result of his trek.

In related news, IRL points leader Dan Weldon was pondering wearing a Jan Brady jumbo afro wig during the race in a desperate attempt to steal at lease a few seconds of air time away from Patrick.

© 2005 Bill Zahren