Non-Penske Toyota Owners Don Helmets, Prepare for Annual 500-mile "Bitch-Slapping"

Note to the gullable: This is satire. A parody. Made up. Fiction. A joke. Didn't really happen.

Owners of Toyota-powered cars entered in the Indy 500 will be sporting heavy-duty helmets on race day in preparation for what's expected to be "a severe and sustained bitch-slapping."

The only exception will be owner Roger Penske, whose engineers and mechanics have managed to put at least some life into their Toyota engines.

As for the rest of the teams, the May 29 Indy 500 looks to be yet another long IRL race with no shot at winning.

"Well, after you get bitch-slapped so many times, you just naturally start taking precautions," said one crew chief who sported a formidable helmet. Experts expect Honda-powered cars to (in a shocking development) to dominate the race.

"If you ain't driving a Honda, you're driving for 10th" said one smug Honda-powered team owner. "Getting a non-Penske Toyota up front is like trying to get a pig to fly."

Among the most consistent bitch-slappees is Chip Ganassi, owner of the once-proud and 2003 IRL points champion Target Chip Ganassi Racing team. Powered by Toyota this year, Chippy's three-car squad has only managed five top-ten finishes and zero top five finishes.

Indy legend AJ Foyt's teams have also been getting repeatedly smacked around by the Honda cars. Foyt responded by calling the Toyota engines "crap" and throwing sundry Craftsman wrenches across the garage. Crews had to restrain Foyt as he charged one of his cars with a sledge hammer screaming, "I'll show that car what bitch-slapping is all about."

Confidential sources said the Toyota teams found some comfort in the fact that IMS owner Tony George, who now also owns Toyota-powered Vision Racing, will also received a major bitch-slapping on Sunday. Vision Racing's lone Toyota-powered entry has finished no higher than 16th this year.

Also on the bright side, all the teams that were saddled with one of the biggest pigs in IRL history, the 2003 Chevrolet engine, amused themselves by sending out "Welcome to our world" notes to all the Toyota teams. The notes featured fine calligraphy and rubber pig noses for the team members to wear.

Chevrolet is pulling out of the IRL at the end of this year. "I mean, how stupid do you have to be to show up every week to get bitch-slapped?" said one senior Chevy official. "By bailing at the end of this season, we're simply ending the circle of violence."

Fans and team officials blamed the truckloads of money Honda has poured into R&D as the main culprit of creating the heavily tilted playing field.

Honda estimates it puts "a million, hajillion, fo-fillion dollars" into developing engines that consistently go five miles per hour faster than the fastest non-Penske Toyota.

Penske, who said "Screw Toyota, we're tweaking our own engines" has been largely able to fight off the bitch-slapping and consistently finish in the top five. Insiders agree that's more of a "diss" than a "bitch-slap."

In other news, IRL media darling Danica Patrick confirmed that if her team tries to put her in a pig Toyota, "I am so outta here. I mean, who do they think I am, Sarah Fisher?" said Patrick. To back up her claim, she showed reporters NASCAR vice chairman Brian France's home number programmed into her cell phone.

© 2005 Bill Zahren