Fisher Fans Create Run on Danica Patrick Voodoo Dolls

Note to people who are kind of slow: Everything below is fiction. Made up. Not real. For entertainment only.

Driven into a jealous rage by the success of IRL sensation Danica Patrick, fans of former IRL driver Sarah Fisher have created a boom market for authentic Danica Patrick voodoo dolls, according to the American Voodoo Retailer Association.

Fisher spent six years in the IRL driving cars that had virtually no chance of winning (with the notable exception of 2002 Infiniti-powered ride). In 2005, after failing to find a sponsor for the 2005 IRL campaign, Fisher took a job driving in NASCAR's developmental leagues.

On May 29, Patrick stunned the world by overcoming the handicap of having one of the fastest cars on the track to finish fourth in the Indy 500. The race result, along with the outpouring of rock-star press, has apparently driven Fisher fans to voodoo.

"Sheeeee-it," said one Sarah fan who was shopping for severed chicken feet, "Sarah puts that car on the pole. She wins the race driving one handed while drinking a diet Coke and eating a hot dog. Judas priest. Like this is fair."

After further reflection, the fan amended his bold statement. "Sarah doesn't really have much experience driving cars that aren't trailing a boat anchor, so it may have taken her a few laps to get used to having some actual power."

Other fans didn't take it as well.

"She's the she-devil, Danica Patrick is," screamed one frothing female Fisher fan. "The very spawn of Satan, drapped over a car hood with her butt crack showing. She's stolen Sarah's glory. Give it back lest ye be accursed forever. I'm going to .. gak ..." The woman couldn't finish her sentence after a tranq dart lodged in her neck and rendered her immediately unconscious.

Other fans at least felt small vindication in Patrick's success. "Gee, there's a huge shocker, a woman in a decent car who leads Indy attracts major media. WOW, who'd a thunk it? HELLOOOOOOO. I'm glad the light bulbs finally came on, for chrissakes."

For her part, Sarah Fisher disappointed fans when she declined to join them in wallowing in the seething resentment.

In a statement posted on her Web site, www.sarahfisher.com, Fisher predicted Patrick will be the first woman to win an IRL race. "It takes a lot of patience, practice and perfection to do as well as she did. Even if she has a great team, she still was the one driving the car. There had to have been so much pressure on her this month (May) and she ended it on a great note."

Meanwhile, fans of Sarah Fisher and other female NASCAR racers like Erin Crocker hoped to see them actually on a track, any track, "Sometime before we're all collecting Social-Frickin'-Security. Geeze, these NASCAR feeder series race, what, once every six months?"

In other news, the management of Texas Motor Speedway where the Indy Racing League races Saturday night unveiled plans to paint a giant copy of one of Danica Patrick's famous FHM photos on the infield grass mainly because, well, "Danica is hot."

© 2005 Bill Zahren