Government Probes Holmes/Cruise "Situation"

Note to the gullible: this is all fiction. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are a couple, but that's about where the truth ends.

National Security experts were summoned to an emergency meeting at the White House recently to study the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes situation for possible Al Qaeda links.

"We're just a little concerned that it's too perfect," said one National Security Council insider. "And both (Secretary of Defense) Don (Rumsfeld) and (Secretary of State) Condi (Rice) thought Katie was laughing just a little too hardily on the cover of Us Weekly. Condi especially said 'I think she's under some external influence.' "

Government officials note the 17 year difference in age between Tom Cruise who is 43 and Katie Holmes who is 26. And the fact that Katie has had a crush on Tom ever since his role in Risky Business when Katie was 4 years old.

"You gotta admit, that's a little twisted," said a senior security expert.

Administration officials were initially willing to let the tabloids investigate the authenticity of the Cruise/Holmes relationship, until one fateful day when Rice was in the checkout lane of her local Piggly Wiggly.

"One of my security guys came back from fetching me some sea salt in aisle five and said, matter-of-factly, 'I wonder if Cruise really thinks Katie is the First Daughter?' " recalled Rice. "Well, I called Don (Rumsfeld) on the spot and we decided that, plus his whole Scientology thing, was enough for us to make some inquiries."

Holmes played the president's daughter, Samantha Mackenzie, in the 2004 movie First Daughter. Michael Keaton played the president.

"George Bush does look a little bit like Michael Keaton, especially from the left side, so we got a little nervous," said one Secret Service official. Officials have also doubled the guard around Bush's real daughters, Jenna and Barbara, "just as a precaution."

Holmes' own gushing comments on the relationship have only fueled speculation that something sinister is afoot. "I feel like he's made my life. He's amazing. He's kind, he's generous, he's smart, he's Tom Cruise," Holmes gushed to the Boston Herald. "He's the most artistic man I've ever met; he's a joy;, he makes me laugh like I've never laughed. He's the most wonderful being.''

There has also been swirling rumors that the whole deal is just a stunt to get publicity for Holmes' latest movie, Batman Begins and Cruise's flick, War of the Worlds, which both open this summer.

An online movement to "rescue Katie" (which many suspect is also a publicity stunt) has sprung up at FreeKatie.net. The site declares, "McLaughlin Cameron Designs invites you to join the movement to liberate Katie, a young, gifted, actress held captive by forces we may never understand. Even one summer of captivity is too long for one so bright!"

President Bush had no comment, other than "I'm a big fan of Michael Keaton. He's a handsome guy."

© 2005 Bill Zahren