Back Markers Unveil Crash-Related Marketing Strategy

Note to the overly trusting: this is all made up.

Indy Racing League perennial back markers are rumored to be working on a marketing plan that calls for intentional, strategic crashes among other unorthodox moves.

"We were sitting around the other day talking about how we could drive around with 'Screw Yourselves' on our sidepods and get maybe four seconds of air time," said the owner of one regular bottom-10 finisher, "and someone said 'the only time we get any air time is when we're in the wall.' That kind of started getting us out of the box, exposure-wise."

Bottom-10 teams took a look at the three prongs of ABC/ESPN's television coverage policy: 1) the top 5, 2) Danica and surrounding cars and 3) crashes. They figured points two and three were their best shot.

That set off a frenzy of testing at tracks around the league to determine the best way to do enough damage to the car to bring out the yellow, get maximum air time but not be too expensive to repair. IRL driver Jimmy Kite has apparently become quite adept at getting into the wall but only scuffing the tires and maybe bending the suspension a little and then turning the car sideways for maximum televised sidepod visibility. The resulting video gives his sponsor, Ethanol, maybe ten times the coverage they'd get if he remained in the race.

"It's really about cost-benefit," said one crew chief. "You want to do enough to get the yellow and some air time but not total the thing. Paying for a new $250,000 car kind of wipes out any marketing gains you get from the accident. Fortunately, carbon fiber is relatively cheap to replace."

The teams have also reportedly told their drivers "not to be in a hurry to put out their steering wheel and get out of the car."

"Since TV commentators will focus on the car until the driver puts out the steering wheel ... well, all we're saying is don't be in a rush to throw it out there."

Teams have also been creating a strategy for the "nuclear option' wherein one of them get together with rookie sensation Danica Patrick (5-foot, 100 pounds). The strategy is risky, though, and will only be used when the rewards justify the death threats the driver who takes out Danica would get.

"Maybe if a sponsor is having a great big sale or something," said one driver. "But until then, I'm not going to risk being shot by a sniper from the top of the control tower for crashing into Danica."

Short of that is a strategy to go side-by-side with Danica for as long as possible. Knowing the cameras will be on her car, the back markers hope for some spill over coverage if they can manage to stay beside Danica for several laps.

The ultimate move would be what the markers are calling "the diamond" in which cars surround Patrick, forming a diamond with her in the middle. The move is only viable on tracks such as Texas Motor Speedway that allow for three-wide racing.

"We tried it the other day in practice and Anthony Foyt managed to even hold up a little sign that said '2-for-1 sale' while driving along the side of the diamond. That was some awesome driving."

In other news, Danica Patrick enginer Ray Leto, who averages five minutes on camera every race because of constant Danica Updates, is reportedly close to signing an endorsement deal. The pact would require him to wear a cap bearing the logo of erectile dysfunction drug Cialis during all appearances, preferably with ABC/ESPN pit reporter Jamie Little.


©2005 Bill Zahren