ABC Sports Execs: "Bring us more chicks."

Note: This is fiction. Just for the record.

In the wake of ratings excitement caused by racer Danica Patrick and golfer Michelle Wie, ABC executives are reportedly on the hunt for "more chicks."

"All I know is Danica wins the pole and ratings for an IRL race on ESPN rocket up," said a corporate executive. "And we got people who used to think 'golf' was a body of water now tuning in to watch Michelle Wie play the big boys. You don't need to hit me over the head twice."

Patrick (5-foot, 100 pounds) created a buzz by qualifying in the first position for the race outside Kansas City on July 3 and was widely credited for drawing a 1.1 rating for the telecast. The rating, the highest ever for an IRL race on ESPN, reportedly caused ABC/ESPN programming officials to "strip naked and dance jubilantly on desks for upwards of 30 minutes." One shocked observer reported the participants danced to a looped track of the Quad City DJ's 1996 hit, "C'mon 'N Ride it (the Train)."

Lyrics refresher:

So pack your bags, come on, get ready, say what?
We're coming through your town
Move your arm up and down
And make that choo choo sound, like this

Ride that choo choo, woo woo... (repeat eight times)

ABC, reportedly "tired as hell" of getting its butt kicked in the sports rating wars and still smarting from the loss of Monday Night Football, has latched on the ratings potential of having slim women taking it to the boys in male-dominated sports.

Danica's success came just in the nick of time. "We weren't sure how much longer we could milk a fourth-place at Indy," the network exec said. "Thank God Danica put her car on the pole. We should get at least five more weeks out of that. And when she wins, well, I think we'll eventually find (ESPN and ABC Sports president) Alex Wallau half hammered from a five-day party in Jamaica and still drinking rum right out of the bottle."

Waiflike 15-year-old Michelle Wie likewise helped drive interest in televised golf to a fevered pitch with her attempt to become the first female in 60 years to make a cut on the men's PGA Tour at the John Deere Classic in Slivis, Ill. Wie missed the cut by two strokes on Friday, however.

"That really stung," said an ABC insider. "First time I've ever seen the guys down in ad sales cry like small children. It was shocking, yet understandable."

Never one to miss a horse worth beating, ABC officials are apparently on the prowl for women to get into other male-dominated sports. Negotiations are underway for US soccer superstar Mia Hamm to kick for the New York Giants this season -- but only during ESPN-televised games. There are also rumors that ABC has identified a 4-foot-11-inch female bowler "who could kick some Pro Bowler Association booty." There were also online rumors that NBC was preparing Serena Williams to enter in the men's tournament at Wimbledon in 2006.

"Never work," said one unconcerned ABC official of the NBC plan. "Serena is too big. Too muscular and a bit man-ish. Now if they could find someone more waiflike to take down three-peat champion Roger Federer, then we'd be talking. Think Bjornette Borg."

In other news, officials at the Milwaukee Mile said they were planning increased security for the July 24 IRL race there. The move came in response to rumors that Ashley Judd, wife of defending champion Dario Franchitti, was "really pissed about all the press Danica's honkin' engagement ring is getting." Officials stressed the extra measures were "merely a precaution against ring-instigated violence."

© 2005 Bill Zahren