NASCAR Agrees to "Look Into" On-track Gunfire

Note: This is all made up. There was really no gunfire. For humor purposes only.

NASCAR officials said they would "take a serious look at" reports that drivers exchanged gunfire on the track during the Sylvania 300 in Loudon, N.H. on Sept. 18.

"The discharge of firearms inside the city limits without a permit is a pretty big deal," said one NASCAR official, who said the drivers involved may get called to the NASCAR trailer for a "stern talking to" if it proves to be true.

Observers say drivers exchanged fire on three to five occasions, once under yellow. "I saw one driver popping off with a nine (millimeter pistol) with his right hand and another driver went high. I was a little worried about a stray round taking out a fan. That would have seriously screwed our TV window. The other driver returned fire with a .357 magnum, and I was like, 'That's old-school, right there.' I kind of wondered how he would reload while driving, though."

Fans just see the crackle of gunfire as a natural evolution from the intentional crashing, helmet throwing, oval-based brawl that NASCAR has become. "Shit, they do every other thing, might as well start popping off rounds at each other," said one tailgater who arrived at the track four days early. "I don't have a big problem with it, as long as they settle it on the track and Junior doesn't catch a stray round."

Other fans reported seeing one pit crew setting up a mortar on the top of their hauler at about lap 183. "I yelled up there and asked what they were doing and they said, 'just a precaution.' "

The drivers allegedly involved in the on-track firefight brushed off concern. "Just one of them racing deals," said one driver. "I don't think NASCAR needs to get involved if a couple of guys want to exchange a few shots. They don't seem to care if we try to kill each other with our cars, so why should this be a big deal?"

NASCAR officials differed, however, saying that having a driver shot dead on the track by a fellow driver might damper the sport's appeal to sponsors. "On the other hand, it would give us a bunch of laps to work in some more commercials, so you have to weigh all the factors," said an unidentified NASCAR official.

In other news, the Indy Racing League's Dan Wheldon, who simply has to start the next race to win the points championship, is reportedly considering driving the first lap of the race with his knees. "It makes it easier for him to wave to the crowd as he goes around, explained a Wheldon spokesman.

©2005 Bill Zahren