IRL, Champ Car Enter Suicide Pact "For the Good of the Sport"

Note to the gullible: this is all made up.

Leaders of the Indy Racing League and Champ Car World Series today confirmed they have entered into a suicide pact "for the good of open-wheel racing in the U.S."

Once-secret documents reveal that IRL headman, Tony George, has an agreement with Champ Car owners Gerald Forsythe, Kevin Kalkhoven and Paul Gentilozzi "to choke each other to death and never let go."

The agreement continues: "The aforesaid will continue to try and drive the rival series into the ground and subsequently pee on its grave even if it kills us both, out of sheer love and respect for American open-wheel racing."

"We owe it to the sport to have one series, not two, and we're going to reward our long-time fans by giving them that one series, even if it kills us both," said one of the parties to the pact.

The existence of the mutual-annihilation pact was a blow to open-wheel fans who have called for unity in the rival series. Fans point out there is less and less difference between the two racing series from a fan perspective, especially with the introduction of road races in the IRL.

"All we're saying is, um, one big, combined series with 40 cars is better than two with 20 trying to choke each other to death at all times," said one fan.

Partisans on both sides, however, hailed the Champ Car/IRL pledge of mutual doom. "No way we want anything to do with Tony George," said one Champ Car enthusiast. "He's the spawn of the devil." Champ Car fans point to their series alleged huge crowds at various venues as proof that they are on the rise.

The IRL partisans responded, "I'm sorry, were you saying something, I had a Champ Car race on and was asleep inside four minutes. Tell the three stooges (Forsythe, Kalkhoven and Gentilozzi) to stay the F away from our series." IRL fans point to television ratings which have climbed over 1.0 for the first time in for-f-ing ever thanks mainly to their rookie sensation, Danica Patrick (5-foot-1, 100 pounds).

"We're winning. We have those other idiots on their way down," both side's fans said in unison.

In other news, NASCAR is rumored to be working on a new car design that has a roof but no fenders in an effort to take over the "open-wheel" market itself. NASCAR officials reportedly got the idea when disintegrating left front tires at the Brickyard 400 blew the fenders off several cars. Industry observers gave it a 60% chance of success.