IRL Officials Announce "Bad Bearing Bingo" Initiative

Note: This is all made up. Fiction. You'd be surprised how many people think this stuff is true.

The Indy Racing League today unveiled a new "Bad Bearing Bingo" initiative that they hope will put more mystery and excitement into league races for the rest of the season.

"Let's face it," said one IRL official. "AGR was pretty much giving everyone a bitch-slapping every time out. They won seven of the first 11 races. Race story lines were like, 'Does a Penske car have a prayer of preventing yet another ARG win?' That's great if you're an AGR fan, but if you're a fan of someone else -- aside from Danica (5-1, 100 pounds), of course -- it's just not that fun to watch your driver battle for seventh."

Inspired by the exciting Kentucky race in which three AGR cars went out with mechanical problems -- two with wheel bearing issues -- IRL engineers have perfected a wheel bearing that can slowly go bad but not cause a crash.

"It's a godsend to try and get some more competition into the league," said an IRL engineer who held up the new wheel bearing. "This little honey can go bad -- fry to a crisp -- and not cause the driver to lose control of the car. We call it Slow Burn Technology."

The league announced that the bad bearing -- which looks identical to good bearings -- will be mixed into a batch of 16. Each of the four AGR crew chiefs will then select four bearings for his car from that batch, thereby assuring that one car gets the Bad Bearing. When that bearing slowly goes bad, at least one AGR car will be thinned from the field.

"We think with only three AGR cars 'protecting' each other maybe someone else besides Sam Hornish and Helio will have a chance in hell to win," said a league official. "It worked out pretty well at Kentucky, you gotta admit." After two AGR cars went out with bad bearings and a third blew its gearbox, Scott Sharp scored his first win in two years at Kentucky.

League insiders quickly dubbed the new program the "Unlucky Dog" rule in a veiled jab at NASCAR's "Lucky Dog" rule, which allows the first car one lap down get back on the lead lap during cautions. ABC announced it would go along with the fun spirit of the initiative and instruct its booth announcers to say "Uh-oh, looks like we got a bad bingo in the back stretch" or something similarly quippy.

The AGR team, however, was unphased. "We'll still win the championship and probably finish 1, 2, 3 and 4 in the points. Plus we're not so sure a Honda with a bad bearing still can't beat a flawless Toyota," said an AGR team official during a press conference. Before the conference AGR leaders said "first time we hear 'Danica' this conference is over."

The league expects to have Bad Bearing Bingo in effect in time for the race at Pike's Peak on Aug. 21.

In other news, Rahal Letterman driver Vitor Meira announced a sponsorship deal with bridesmaids.com.

©2005 Bill Zahren