Champ Car Loses Allmendinger, Renames Itself ZAL

Note to the gullable -- everything below is made up

In a daring move to increase popularity in the U.S., the Champ Car World Series today announced the departure of the only American driver on the circuit and renamed itself the Zero Americans League.

"We really believe this is the key to making Champ Car into an American success," said Zippy Tzerdoff, Director of Marketing for Champ Car. "If this pans out, we might go to the next step, which is to encourage teams to fire all English speakers. That move would naturally not include Rookie Sensation Katherine Legge who is from England and, technically, speaks English."

Tzerdoff's comments came after the Champ Car team RuSport fired American A.J. Allmendinger and replaced him with Brazilian Christiano da Matta. Champ Car officials declined to say if the move was in direct response to the general unpopularity of the United States on the geo-political scene.

"I figured maybe it was because everyone was pissed off at us because of Iraq, etc.," said Felix Johnson, professor of political science at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. "But then I googled 'Champ Car' and when it came back 'racing' I went back to my lunch. I mean, I have a life after all and it's not like we're talking about NASCAR."

Champ Car officials said, on the bright side, that U.S. television ratings can't get much worse so now might be the right time to try an Ameircan-free format.

In a related move, the league changed its name from "Bridgestone Presents the Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford" (BPCCWSPF) to "Bridgestone Presents the Zero American Lague Powered by Cosworth" (BPZALPC). The resulting reduction of one initial is expected to cut print production costs dramatically and appeal to the growing segment of Americans who want to watch a sport that is 100% American-free.

In other news, the Indy Racing League moved to quell concerns that running 19 cars on the Texas Motor Speedway Saturday night would create "congestion on the track that's ripe for disaster." "We've been assured that TMS can handle at least 20, if not 25 cars safely, so there's no need to fear that 19 will be a problem," an IRL spokesman said. The spokesman also blamed driver Eddie Cheever Jr. for the difficulty. To which Cheever responded, "I won the Indy 500, you know."