Anti-violence groups warn against televising Indy 500 practices

Note to the slow among you: this is all made up. Fictional.

Leaders of anti-violence groups today issued a terse warning against televising any of the Indy 500 practice sessions.

"Given the level of ass-kicking the Penske Twins are putting on the field, it's safe to say any televising of practice would bring immediate FCC scrutiny," said Chester McClinkengard of the Coalition to Stop Televised Violence.

The reaction came Thursday after Penske drivers Sam Hornish, Jr. and Helio Castroneves once again topped the speed charts during Indy practice. Hornish has been the fastest driver in every practice session so far.

On Thursday, Hornish posted a top speed of 224.951 mph while Castroneves posted a top speed of 224.437 mph. The closest competitor to Hornish and Castroneves was Dan Wheldon at 222.616 mph, more than two miles per hour slower than Hornish.

"What can you say? It's a major bitchslapping," said Jason DeMarcini of the Commission Against Televised Humiliation. "That is definitely nothing I want my kids to see on TV when they come home from school."

Castroneves and Hornish declined to comment on their performance. Penske insiders reported that he team was determined to "kick some major attenuator" in retailiation for two years of slap down while they were stuck with Toyota engines (known around the garages as "TRD Boat Anchors.")

In other news, rumors circulated that former ABC race announcer Todd Harris was escorted from the Indianapolis Motor Speedway for screaming "PENSKE PERFECT" repeatedly at a drink stand just behind the pagoda.