Discovery of Krispy Kreme Box Concerns IRL

Note to the low IQ -- everything below is made up

Indy Racing League officials said Wednesday they are treating the discovery of an empty Krispy Kreme doughnut box near Danica Patrick's motor home "as an issue of grave concern."

"Frankly, this has sent a ripple of terror throughout the Indy Racing League," said Bernie Jameson, director of security for the IRL. "The implications of finding a dozen-doughnut box -- empty -- within a square mile of Danica makes us all want to tweak up our resumes."

Jameson explained that with Danica (5-1, 100 pounds) running in the middle of the field these days, "protecting her hotness becomes even more important."

"It's obvious that Danica is only a few dozen Krispy Kremes away from being less hot than she is right now, and we just can't have that," said Mary Alfanso, marketing manager for the IRL. "If Danica were to pack on 25 pounds -- ballooning up to, say, 125 pounds total -- she's suddenly less hot and less hot equals less publicity which equals less job security for a lot of us."

IRL officials said the firestorm of media coverage stirred up when Danica's father and manager, TJ Patrick, mentioned he wanted Danica to drive in NASCAR was a "wake-up call for us all."

"They passed out air-sick bags and Dramamine to everyone at IRL headquarters," said Alfanso. "That wasn't because we were in danger of losing someone who is 12th in points and 141 points behind the leader. That was because we were in danger of losing the league-leading hotty."

League officials said they have tactfully raised the question of the empty Krispy Kreme box with Danica's people and been assured that it was not hers. "They assured us she remains on the wheatgrass and organic produce, so we're relieved. There is a lot riding on Danica's abs." League officials have also executed an agreement in which Danica promises to consult with league leaders on any contemplated grooming or wardrobe changes in return for some handsome compensation.

In other news, TJ Patrick touched off a firestorm of media when he visited the Churchill Downs horse track and talked openly about Danica's desire to become a jockey.