E.R.s Report a Rash off Unification Report Fatigue Syndrome

Note to the highly gullible: Everything below is made up.

Emergency rooms around the United States report a dramatic rise in people complaining of being "f*cking sick of hearing about open-wheel reunification."

"Just the other day we saw a man who could stop shrieking 'Any day now! Any day now!' " said Dr. Abe Lentelsith of Indianapolis General Medical Center. "We finally figured out he was talking about the proposed reunification of the Indy Racing league and the Bridgestone Presents the Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford (BPCCWSPBF). Very tragic, really. Eventually we just had to knock his ass out."

Elsewhere, Des Moines, Iowa, police reported that several office workers had to be restrained after their supervisor talked about "unity" among team members.

"I guess just the word 'unity' just set these people off," said Sgt. Chester Armbrister of the Des Moines Police Department. "Next thing we knew they were throwing chairs and screaming things like 'Katherine and Danica will never be on the same track together so just shut the f*ck up about it, OK?' Eventually we had to stun gun the poor bastards."

Medical professionals theorize that a steady drip of reports that the IRL and BPCCWSPBF were nearing a merger has created "Unification Report Fatigue Syndrome" (URFS) among the hardest-core fans.

"It's a bit like crying wolf and Chicken Little running around claiming the sky is falling. After about the 541th time, the rage starts to build up and manifests itself in these cases of URFS, some of which can be serious," said Dr. Norman Schnizoven of the University of Nevada School of Medicine. "It would help if the IRL and BPCCWSPF would, as we say in the medical community, 'shit or get off the pot.' "

Schnizoven pointed out that the good news is "a strong 85% of the population have no idea what 'open-wheel racing' even is, so we're really dealing with a relatively tiny patient population."

In other news, fans of IRL Rookie of the Year Sensation Danica Patrick (5' 1", 100 pounds) have started collecting signatures on a letter to the makers of the Dallara racing chassis. The letter reportedly asks Dallara to "stop being so mean to Danica" and ends with "no matter what, Danica's chassis is always going to be hotter than Dallara's, and you can't take that away from her."