Notes from the 2006 Bombardier LearJet 500 from Texas Motor Speedway

Notes taken during the ESPN broadcast of the Bombardier LearJet 500 from Texas Motor Speedway on 6/10/06.

pressdog's beer of the race is Molson Candian. Beauty beer, eh?

Intro with the appropriately western music and the Complete Waste Eddie Cheever montage. It's the "Showdown at Sundown."

Welcome to Ft. Worth, TX where it's about a hundred degrees out. We're here to see if Penske and Ganassi will continue to slap the rest of the drivers around. Let's go down to our Jerry Punch, M.D., who is in the driver's parade vehicle with Scott Dixon. Punch -- what's the key for today, Scotty? Scott -- Stay cautious. Don't do anything stupid. Stay out of trouble. Stay away from Cheever (sorry, made that Cheever part up).

Over to Jack Arute with Sammy Hornish who is also in a parade vehicle. Jack -- how real is the Penske Ganassi rivalry? Hornish (not biting today, Jack) -- We want to beat everyone, not just Chippy. Not happy if he's last and we're second to last.

Let's check the Bitch Slap-o-Meter. Yep, Penske and Chippy drivers have the top four places in points with AGR's Tony Kanaan is coming up fifth. Dario? Herta? Not so much. Dramatically fewer celebratory donuts on the tracks this year with AGR getting it handed to them every race.

Rusty Wallace -- Penske and Ganassi are on it. Wind tunnels, baby. That's the key.

Marty Ried -- Scott Goodyear, can anyone break this cycle of violence?

Scotty Goodyear -- Can't count out AGR. Rahal Letterman has new Dallaras so maybe they can finish better than 9th now.

Enough of this, let's get back to the Marco vs. Eddie death match! Replays of the contact back at Watkins Glen. Super slow mo actually shows puffs of gun powder rising from Eddie's car as he fires a pistol at Marco! Dramatic new Zapruder-like evidence! It's time for the "Road Rage" montage. Michael Andretti "the guy is a waste." Eddie -- "Since '92 there's been this long-standing argument between them and me." Marco -- "It was one of two things and they're both scary. Either he did it on purpose or he didn't know I was there. What happens if he doesn't see me in Texas?"

Jamie Little (get her in a car!) with Marco -- Marco says he hasn't changed his opinion since the incident. Jamie (God love her!) asks -- Do you take any responsibility or was it all Eddie? Awesome question, Jamie! Marco -- "Do I even have to comment?" Of course Marco takes no blame. Sha. Seriously. He'd been driving a very conservative race up to that point, taking no risks with his car at all! It was all Eddie. I suspect Jamie will be fired even for asking. Silly girl. Jamie gets the Pressdog Asking Questions People Want to Know Award for this race.

Down to Punch with Danica for her take on how evil Eddie really is. Danica says she was doing OK in the race. Running all right given the general playing of circus music caused by cars sliding here and there. Gave Eddie some room on the restart. All of a sudden I'm going around. Didn't seem like something I could do all by myself. (A pop at Eddie who said Danica did it "all by herself.")

The Root drew the short straw and he has to interview Satan (Cheever). Don't let him touch you, Jack! Eddie says he's looking forward to getting back to racing. "Very regrettable but I'm glad that's over and let's get on with the next race." On the plus side for Cheever (who I really don't think is Satan) this whole incident has gotten him maybe 203% more camera time than he would have gotten if he didn't collect some Andrettis given Eddie's habit of running 15th in about every race lately.

But we're not done. Let's go to some video from practice at Texas showing Helio getting "cut off" by Eddie in the sense that Eddie moved over causing Helio to only have about 24 feet of room on the inside. Holy Pinch Down! Video of Helio swerving at Cheever in the pits and then getting out and barking at the IRL ref. Simmer down.

Rusty -- I think Helio overreacted. He was frustrated. Helio had a lot of room. I don't think that was Eddie's fault. Goodyear -- Later Helio looked at the tape and realized he was being insane (I'm paraphrasing) and admitted the overreaction.

Now let's go to our regular feature called "Why NASCARs are so slow compared to the IRL hot rods." This time we're using track records at TMS to show that NASCARs are slow. Track record for an Indy car: 225.979. Track record for a NASCAR: 194.224. I tell ya what, one of those is a hot rod and one of them isn't.

Patrick Dempsey gives us the gender-neutral "Drivers Start Your Engines!"

It's 94 degrees out in Texas and a brisk 104 degrees on the track. Danica has a new Dallara chasis. RLR hasn't had it long enough to trick it out, but they have had it long enough to mount DANICA CAM on it. Thank God. There's Danica's helmet (the camera is mounted by the steering wheel looking back at Danica).

Warm up laps. Let's go to Rusty who is going to see if Tomas Scheckter (amazingly has survived several warm up laps without crashing) has his ears on, come back. Tomas can hear us loud and clear. Rusty asks if Tomas' car is good enough to win again (he won at TMS last year). Tomas says the key is to "get ahead of these red-and-white cars in front of us." At first I was going to make fun of Tomas saying the key to winning is getting in front of all the other cars, but now I realize he's referring to the red-and-white cars which means Penske (orange, red, close enough) and the Chipmobiles, so I'll give Tom a shout out for his clever verbiage there. I retract my initial chortle.

Jack the Root says the key are these (holds up a box of Krispy Kreme donuts). No, not real donuts (tosses the package in a nice effect) but donuts on the side pods. The winner will have some on his or her car.

Jerry reminds us that it is, in fact, hot at the track. Reminder number 6 does the trick (alert poster below suggested I should have said "turns the trick!") and I suddenly realize "Wow, it must be hot there."

Starting lineup: Sam Hornish, Dan Wheldon, Helio Castroneves, Scott Dixon, Tomas Scheckter, Tony Kanaan, Scott Sharp, Dario Franchitti, Rookie Sensation Marco Andretti, Kosuke Matsuura, Ed Carpenter, Vitor Miera, Buddy Rice, Former Rookie Sensation Danica Patrick, Jeff "No Relation to Gene" Simmons, Eddie Cheever Jr., Buddy Lazier, Bryan Herta, Felipe Giaffone. Herta changed two engines after qualifying and gets to go to the back.

Let's light this candle. Green-green-green.

Sammy leads briefly and then it's Mr. White Shades (Wheldon) moving into the lead.

Lap 15 -- Reminder that Rice and Danica are running "stock block" Dallaras after dropping their Panoz like they were hawwwwt. We have a 100% Dallara field now.

Jack says both Tomas and Ed Carpenter were advised to get after it right out of the gate.

Lap 25 -- Whedon, Hornish, Helio, Matsuura, Dixon, Kanaan, Scheckter, Ed Carpenter, Vitor, Rice.

Lap 28 -- Jerry says Kosuke likes the 1.5-mile tracks. Most comfortable at 1.5 miles.

Down to Jamie who says White Shades is using a black helmet today. Better luck with the black helmet.

Lap 35 -- we go to the studio for a 30-30 update in which we see Michelle Wie drain a monstrous putt.

Lap 40 -- Jack -- Marco reports that is having difficulty. He's out of adjustments and the car is a major handling pig. Both him and Danica are "backing up."

Lap 50 -- Felipe Giafone is 12th. The first 50 laps fly by under green (number of yellows in the first 50 laps of a NASCAR race at TMS is an estimated seven) with the front four (Wheldon, Hornish, Castroneves and Dixon in some variation of that order) in a line and freight training away from everyone else. It's got all the drama of watching four cars go down the interstate with exactly the same cruise control setting.

Lap 57 -- Wheldon is 1.5 seconds in front of Helio.

Pitting. Helio says he has understeer. Gets air pressure change. Wheldon in 9.5 seconds. Crew gets zero credit for a sub-10 full pit stop.

Yellow yellow yellow --- Buddy Lazier is coasting in. Out of fuel? Much speculation.

Sam is going 14 mph to save fuel. Kanaan has his nose (watch it) right under Sam's tail (hey -- simmer down). Booth guys say Penske is concerned. Sam could run out of gas. Except, you know, if you're going to run out of gas on yellow you can actually pit. Thank you to whoever looked up the rule and flashed it to the booth people before they had a total hissy fit.

Rusty gives Penske one of 32 shout outs during the race, this one for his math skills.

Lap 63. Booth guys say attendance today is 90,000, which is great for an IRL race, but TMS is such a barn that 90,000 looks about a third full. Marco on the radio. Front end pushing and he's loose. I suspect Cheever messed with his wings. We got ZERO air time for Michael this week. None. Nada.

Lazier's exit was apparently an electrical problem, not due to fuel.

Confusion over Sam Hornish's position on the track. Scoring says P2. Marty says it reminds him of the Great Bitchslap Incident of 1997 when AJ smacked Arie in the winner's circle area after a similar scoring snafu.

We are green green green.

Lap 72 -- Yellow yellow yellow. Buddy Rice is toast. We got smoke rolling off the back of his engine. Fragged Honda. That's something you don't' see every day. Rahal immediately blames the poor showing on the Panoz chassis company.

Root in the RLR pit with the Honda engineer who looks like he'd rather be most any where else, including reclining in a dental chair. Jack says when Buddy's engine blew the oil pressure indicators went to zero. Honda engine gave up the ghost. It's actually kind of nice to see an engine blow now and then. Reminds me of the old school Indy when stuff was always rupturing into flames.

Buddy with Jack -- been fast here each year but yet to win. Had a top 10 car, maybe a little better. Dallara should be competitive.

Rusty -- Penske is smart. "The fella down there with the gray hair and the receding hair line has got a computer in his head."

Scheckter -- "We're loose, loose, loose baby." Weight jacker is broken.

Vitor got a nice donut on his blank side pod from Kosuke. At first the booth heads said it was Marco, but I knew that wasn't right, because Eddie Cheever wasn't involved. Although, that would give ABC/ESPN their lead in for Richmond. "Marco vs. Vitor -- the Brazilian in the Bull Ring." But, you now, it was Kosuke who got him with the right rear. But what as stunning, perfect donut. Striking.

Lap 80 -- Wheldon, Hornish, Helio, Kanaan, Dixon, Scheckter, Ed, Herta, Felipe (!), Sharp.

Lap 88 -- Jamie reminds us that Vitor is 0-52 in IRL starts.

Lap 92 -- We go to commercial with some video of Scott Goodyear winning twice at Texas. Maybe making up for that nasty graphic in the Indy 500 that showed Goodyear led at lap 195 twice and lost both races. Owie.

Jamie reports that Dan Wheldon has no push and the car is great and the team is happy.

It's possible I dozed off right in here. Again, imagine the big four going town the interstate, a few feet apart, all with their cruise controls set at 71 mph.

Lap 122 -- Rusty is remarking about the Penske and Chip wind-tunnel testing. He says "If I were the rest of these teams I'd be investing some time and money in wind-tunnel" testing. The whole draw back with that strategy is that the other teams don't have any time or money. They rummage through dumpsters to find returnable cans to buy lunch, so, ah, telling them to "investing time and money in wind tunnel" testing would make them all laugh so hard they spew Budweiser out of their various nostrils. Don't plan on Rusty letting go of this one any time soon, though.

Lap 125 -- Wheldon, Hornish, Helio, Dixon (try to act shocked) Kanaan, Sharp, Kosuke, Vitor, Scheckter, Felipe.

Lap 134 -- Leaders are cycling through the pits so DANICA IS FOURTH. Somebody wake up the queen, she's charging forward!

Right here Marty says "Tony Kanaan rounds out the top five. That sounds familiar?" He was talking about points but I chortled out loud.

Marty wisely looks forward to the final pit stops. Someone knows where this race is going to be decided (hint -- not on the track).

Lap 175 -- Wheldon, Helio, Dixon, Hornish (shocking, I know) Kanaan, Sharp, Vitor, Ed, Kosuke, Scheckter.

Lap 182 -- Rusty puts in another plug for teams to use their phantom money for wind tunnel testing.

The Big 4 are now 11 SECONDS in front of the rest of the field. Sad. IRL officials may be considering a caution for "debris."

Final pit stops. Helio in. Fuel only. Out. Fine.

Wheldon in. Changing tires. Chippy decides to put on new tires. Right rear has issues. Two-second delay. Marty calls it: COULD BE THE RACE. Everyone else seems oblivious.

Hornish in. No tires, just fuel. STALLS IT. Pit crew applies the starter. He's out and under way. He's history for this race though. Later found out that he didn't stall it but rather the car ran out of gas coming down pit lane. Holy One Lap Late, Roger.

Lap 195 -- Helio, Dixon, Wheldon, Vitor, Sharp, Hornish, Kanaan, Matsuura, Ed, Scheckter.

Helio in control. He's loosening his belts for the fence climb with two laps to go.

Video of Chip who looks like someone just told him he just unknowingly ate a turd sandwich.

Helio wins. Radio: "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOOOOOOUT!" Helio needs to lighten up a little. Loosen up. Get excited once in a while.

Lap 200 -- Helio, Dixon, Wheldon, Hornish (gets Sharp at the line for fourth), Sharp, Vitor, Tony, Kosuke, Ed, Tomas, Herta. Danica 12th (one lap down). Marco 14th (one lap down) and Eddie 17th (three laps down).

Let's go to Jamie who is chasing Dan Wheldon. Reminds me of one of those 60 Minutes ambush interviews in a parking lot complete with glaring lighting. Dan can't get away from the track fast enough because he's pissed. Won't even stop to talk to Jamie. Right here it looks like Dan pulls his arm forcefully away from Jamie who was grabbing him by the elbow. Kind of like a "Don't touch me, OK?" movement. Difficult to say for sure. Dan says they "gifted another one to Penske." Gotta keep working. Gotta keep walking as well, apparently. He must have to go to the restroom or something.

Goodyear loves the spirit. When Wheldon wins, the spirit allows him to stop an talk to Jamie for four hours but when he loses, the spirit says head for the trailer.

Down to Jamie who has cut off Sam. "We're on the walking tour down here," says Jamie. Oh, she's on her game tonight. Sam at least stops to talk to her. Says he ran out of fuel coming down pit lane. "Win as a team, lose as a team." Instruments said there was .7 gallon left in the tank. Had them right where we wanted them, but "Kind of a bad day but what are you going to do about it?" Apparently not pout in Sam's case. Sammy gives a shout out to Helio for winning it. Sam got Sharp at the line for fourth.

Helio climbs the fence. Gives his pit crew shout outs for winning it in the pits. Dixon is still on pit row with Jamie who must run her ass off after the race is over. Dixon is OK with second. After having to drive a pig Toyota all last year life is good for Dixon. He's got his Blackberry out seconds after the race.

With all the green flag laps, we got time to interview 12th place! (Screw places 5 through 11.) 12th place just happens to be Danica. !!! Danica is the only driver who has completed 100% of the laps. First time in the Dallara, how'd it go. Danica -- Cautious on the restarts. I like to finish. Got caught out there a few times.

Next race: Richmond. .75-mile bull Ring. June 24. 8 p.m. eastern. ESPN 2. Traditionally the most circus music of any IRL race.