Allmendinger Rejoins Champ Car, Vows to Finish Second Sunday

Note to everyone: Thisis totally made up. For humor purposes only.

The Bridgestone Presents Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford (BPCCWSPF) today announced its only American driver will return with his sights firmly set on second place.

The news came after Forsythe Racing hired American AJ Allmendinger. Allmendinger, the only American in all of BPCCWSPF had been canned by team RuSport a week earlier in favor of Brazilian Christiano "What's" da Matta.

A few days later, Forsythe canned Mexican Mario Dominguez and hired Allmendinger. League officials denied there was a ping-pong-ball-driven lotto machine involved in the selection of who would be hired and fired in the BPCCWSPF. No word if Mario's number would come up in the lotto so he gets someone else's ride. "We can neither confirm nor deny the existence of any lotto machine," said a league official, "but if there is one, you can be assured the results are being monitored for fairness by the accounting firm of Earnst and Young."

Allmendinger said he was glad to be back in the BPCCWSPF and looking forward to the ultimate prize, finishing second to Sebastien Bourdais. "I'm thrilled to be with Forsythe and more committed than ever to going for second place," said Allmendinger. "I mean, it's clear that nobody can actually beat Sebastien unless he drives it into a wall or has more than one tire come off, so to me it seems like second is the ultimate prize."

For his part, Frenchman Bourdais seemed unphased by the announcement. However Bourdais' engineer, Craig Hampson, sounded a cautionary note. "I don't know, with an American back in the field, it might be tough for Sebastien to finish in the top five. He's barely squeaked out victories in all four races so far. We've been very fortunate so far."

When Bourdais asked if he could win the rest of the BPCCWSPF races he responded, "by how many seconds in each race?" In a related development, BPCCWSPF announced its new marketing campaign around the theme "Tune in, Bourdais might actually lose."

In other news, the Rusty Wallace Foundation announced today that it would start a programs of grants to disadvantaged IRL teams so they can get much needed wind-tunnel testing. "Teams shouldn't have to decided between eating and wind-tunnel testing," Wallace said as he fought back tears.