pressdog's Year-End Representation

Ah, 2006. A colorful year for both the Indy Racing League and the Champ Car World Series. Although they remain technically separate series, pressdog joins ESPN in sort of ignoring that technicality and presenting the one, the unified, Year End Representation:

Best Finishes -- The last-lap, turn-four pass of Marco Andretti by the freakishly charging Sam Hornish in the Indy 500. A real "No (rhymes with "trucking") Way!" moment. Over in Champ Car, give the nod to Sebastien Bourdais (rumor: "Bourdais" is French for "bitchslapper") chasing down Justin "World's Tallest Open-Wheel Driver" Wilson in the season finale in Mexico City.

Even though Wilson and Bourdais were about a day ahead of the rest of the field, the last 10 laps were about as exciting as you'll get on a street/road course as Bourdais slowly reeled in Wilson and hip-checked his way by on a final-lap pass. Adding to the excellentness was Wilson driving with a broken wrist, and his refusal to whine, cry to the refs and talk smack about Bourdais' final pass in the post-race interview. That's courage and class. Bourdais got the checkers, but Wilson was the winner.

Biggest Crashes -- Katherine Legge at The Kink at Road America. Dude, when you lose a rear wing, going about 180, that ain't good. Your car tends to drift a smidge. In Legge's case the car went butt first into the barrier at about 188, then belly-first into the catch-fence, end-over-end until all that was left was the cockpit and Katherine saying "get me out of this (bad word) car." Later she pops out of the medical center like she's stepping out for a ciggy. Couple bruises. No big deal. Commentators Derek Daly and Rick Benjamin were incredulous, as was everyone watching.

Ironically, CCWS probably wants her to take the fence again since walking way from the frightening crash got Katherine on about a billion major network morning shows and -- all by itself -- quadrupled Champ Car's press coverage for the year.

Biggest Ado About Nothing -- Marco and Eddie Cheever at Watkins Glen. It's, like, 53 degrees on the track and wet so the tires are basically discs of ice. Marco is taking a bunch of chances and gets whacked by Cheever who was coming out of the pits on ultra-icy tires. Marco gives Eddie a fist shake. Come on, Marco. Like you wanted to GO right there with Cheever. Dad and Grandpa jump to his emotional rescue. Cheever, they say, should be shot by a sniper for this outrage. Simmer-frigging-down.

Here's the thing, maybe Marco should have waited a bit to pass Cheever. No doubt he would have gotten around him within a lap. Going for it on that point on the track was a smidge reckless. I'd love to see the Young Future F1 Driver (Marco) racing against Paul "Outta My Way" Tracy.

Best Off-Track Action -- Gotta be Tracy vs. Tagliani at San Jose. The Slap Down in Silicon Valley. After Tracy suffered brain lock and drove over Tag's front end, Tag found Tracy in the pit and started with the shoving. Pretty soon we had a scuffle. Tagliani kept his helmet on, though. Tracy should have worked the body, I guess. Look for the Unification Fight -- Tracy vs. Cheever (or Marco).

For some odd reason, right as the major haymakers started in the pits, Champ Car cut away from the fight to show a routine pit stop. WTF? The director must be a pacifist or something. Even as it was, the fight caused a hundred-fold increase of air time for Champ Car on SportsCenter. Now if Katherine Legge could crash, not get hurt and start a brawl with Tracy in the pits Champ Car would be in coverage nirvana.

Best Glimmer of Hope -- Ryan Briscoe for giving Dreyer and Reinbold Racing (or Reyer and Deinbold as the IRL calls them) a thrill by driving to third place at Watkins Glen. DRR. Third. Dude, seriously. Team co-owners Dennis Reinbold and Robbie "Incredi" Buhl and the DRR posse probably did shots of Patron into the night.

Worst Race -- That would be Snore-noma for the IRL. Number of clean passes: zero. Number of cars taken out by Vitor Miera and Scott "The Iceman" Dixon during the race, about seven. Parade city. Then, at the end, when there was some drama about whether Young Marco would make it to the end on fuel, Bryan Herta spun bringing out the yellow and the last glimmer of interest in this race was snuffed. There's two hours none of us will get back. Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z.

Over in Champ Car, the worst race was easily Milwaukee. Worst oval race I have ever watched in my entire life, and I have watched a lot of oval races. Bourdais LAPPED THE FIELD. Any time the leader (Bourdais, try to act shocked) can pit on a one-mile oval and come out of the pits still in the lead, that's a serious bitchslapping.

Add to that Champ Car's phantom "debris yellows" to clean the track of marbles and the fact that it was a timed oval race and you may have a cause for a class-action lawsuit by the people who were charged money to see such a farce. When a "big-league" open-wheel race makes you long for a 25-lap sprint car feature race, that's bad.

pressdog In Your Face Award: A.J. Allmendinger. Winless Allmendinger gets fired from RuSPORT after the debacle at Milwaukee, gets hired by Forsythe and wins about four straight. RuSPORT boss Carl Russo maintains his class, however, refusing to diss Humdinger and congratulating him in victory lane. \

pressdog Show Me the Money Award: Extremely close call, but we gotta go with Danica Patrick. Mid-season Danica's subtle-as-a-chain-saw father, T.J., visibly hob-knobs with some NASCAR teams. Rumors swirl that Danica is jumping ship to Fenderland. Eventually she changes IRL teams and goes to Andretti Green Racing for a ton of cash (by IRL standards. By NASCAR standards Danica got cab fare).

Not sure if Dancia seriously considered (or had offers for) NASCAR, but I am sure she wouldn't have enjoyed being mashed into the wall regularly by the good-old-boys who aren't about to be beaten by a 100-pound "little lady." Danica should get with Sarah Fisher who spent a brutal season in the NASCAR minors or Erin Crocker who got regularly ass-checked into the wall in the NASCAR minors.

Runner up is AJ Allmendinger who parlayed his five Champ Car wins into a ride with Red Bull Toyota in the NASCAR system next year. Ka-ching. See ya!

pressdog Makes Me Laugh Every Time Award: IRL or Champ Car officials claiming the league is "very competitive." BAAAA. That's a good one. Competitive if you are on a Ganassi or Penske team in the IRL or Bourdais, Justin Wilson and Forsythe in Champ Car. Rest of you guys and girls are driving for 5th. Masses of fans are praying the league will somehow address the lack of drama as to who will win next year.

Close second: The Little Baby Jesus prayer in the movie Taladega Nights. I laughed so hard I started crying.

pressdog Best Move for the Future of the Sport Award: Champ Car's development of the new Panoz DP01 chassis. A dramatically cheaper car to replace their aging Lolas, the DP01 may help to level the playing field a bit and encourage more teams to get into the league by reducing costs. If it takes less money to sponsor a competitive car, odds are you'll be more appealing to more sponsors. Duh.

pressdog Circus Music Moment of the Year Award: Lap 1, Turn 1, Champ Car World Series, Long Beach, April. Cars and carbon fiber everywhere. Four cars (nearly a quarter of the 18-car field) is toasted, including Sebastien Bourdais' chief competition. Rumor has it he drives one-handed the rest of the race and wins easily.

pressdog Worst Television Moment Award: ESPN/ABC repeats the intro video during their taped replay of the Motegi race and then doesn't air the first 17 laps of the race. Way to choke the video replay of a race. Good thing virtually nobody cares about or watches the Twin Ring snorefest each year.

pressdog Best Trackside Interview Award: Jamie Little! Get her in a CAR! Chasing down Dan Wheldon who was pissed after not winning at Texas and stalking angrily back to his trailer. Jamie grabbed Dan by the elbow to try and get him to slow down a bit and Dan ripped his arm away from Jamie like, "Don't touch me!" Jamie Little, pit warrior. Then she got assigned to work NASCAR next year. Money CJ leads the mourning for the loss of Jamie. To be fair, Danno bounced back pretty well and had some fun with the heated arm rip away the rest of the season.

pressdog Best Announcer Verbal Eclamation: Derek Daly: "Grandma's on the whiskey!" caused by AJ Allmendinger doing something fabulous during the San Jose race in July 30. For some reason Derek, advised that AJ's grandma was at the race, illustrated the race by telling us at various points what Grandma would think of AJ's driving. When he passed Cristiano da Matta Derek declared Grandma was on the whiskey. I've use that line often in my daily life since then.

Here's to a fabulous 2007. Unification? Maybe. Maybe not. Can't we all get along? Here's to tons of sponsors and millions more fans tuning in to see American open-wheel racing of whatever flavor.

Thanks for reading the blog. My contract (with myself) was renewed for 2007, so come on back and visit. Also take a look at my IRL homeys' sites, So Damn Indy and My Name is IRL. Pressdog gets his own URL in 2007, and the whole deal is moving to www.pressdog.com. The protoblog is up there now, so rush over and eyeball it.

I plan to attend the IRL races in Kansas, Iowa and Chicago and the Champ Car race at Road America. Watch for Expanded Coverage. Me and Derek Daly? Parting? Hold on to your hollyhocks! pressdog is in the whiskey.

Johnson and Tracy to Form Golf Cart Stunt Team

Note: Most of this is made up, except the parts about Joie Chitwood.

NASCAR points champion Jimmie Johnson and Champ Car World Series veteran Paul Tracy will soon form a touring troupe that features stunt driving with golf carts, according to several sources.

The revelation came days after Johnson admitted he was ``horsing around'' on top of a moving golf cart when he fell off and broke his left wrist. Johnson's injury comes on the heels of Tracy's mysterious injury in Las Vegas on Nov. 4 which was initially reported as golf-cart related (later the story changed to ATV stunt driving). In early November, sources told pressdog that Tracy's accident was part of his preparations to jump the Snake River in a modified golf cart.

It now appears that Tracy and Johnson are preparing to launch a Joie Chitwood-style thrill show that would tour the lucrative county fair circuit throughout the United States and Canada. Chitwood, who died in 1988, drove in seven Indy 500s between 1940 and 1950, finishing as high as fifth. (Chitwood is shown at right in his 1950 Indy 500 entry.) Chitwood drove to fame as the operator of the Joie Chitwood Thrill Show, a stunt driving show that toured the U.S. for some 40 years.

Chitwood was the grandfather of Indianapolis Motor Speedway COO Joie Chitwood III (shown at left).

Witnesses to Johnson's accident injury said the 2006 NASCAR champion was sprawled out on top of the cart in a James Bond chase-scene-like fashion and was thrown several feet when the driver hit a berm. Rumors that the accident was caused by Johnson's cart driver bump drafting another cart could not be confirmed.

"I've learned that Johnson and Tracy are secretly preparing to form a golf cart thrill show," said one insider. "The person driving the cart was, in fact, Paul Tracy. He disguised himself as NASCAR fan by chewing tobacco, drinking Miller Lite and saying 'shake -- and bake, baby' a random times."

The insider said Johnson and Tracy feel there's an unmet demand for golf cart-based thrill driving, especially in the upper Midwestern U.S. and in various regions of Tracy's native Canada. The two are expected to go public with the PT Johnson Flying Golf Cart Circus in early 2007.

In other news, a rumor that EZ GO golf cart company is set to offer Johnson $5.4 million in sponsorship money for 2007 could not be confirmed.

Andretti Indy Run Appeals to "Older White Guy's With More Money than Sense"

Um, yep, much of this is made up.
Michael Andretti's desire to return to the Indy 500 is part of a marketing strategy designed to appeal to "middle-aged white guys with bails of cash," according to league insiders.

Others insisted that a thinning field of legitimate Indy 500 contenders were "starting to shift the odds in Michael's favor."

The speculation came days after the Indianapolis Star actually reported that Andretti (left) would like to return to the Indianapolis 500 for his 16th try.

After leading on lap 197 of the 2005 running before eventual race winner Sam Hornish Jr. blew by him en route to a dramatic final-lap pass for the win, Andretti once again has the bug.

League officials are eager to find a sponsor for Andretti, who turned 44 in 2006. "We think his running will appeal to all those 40-somethings out there with way more cash than sense," said one insider. "You know, guys who dream up stuff like 'Extreme Golf' play high-stakes fantasy football and will spend $9,844 on fishing boats mainly because they look really cool at Cabela's. The whole Clinging to Youth market is really an untapped gold mine as far as we're concerned."

Others contend with the dwindling IRL car count makes Andretti's chances to end his 0-15 streak at Indy better than ever.

"Couple things," said a league insider. "First, someone has to win. Second, who are we kidding? A solid 12 cars -- assuming we get to a full grid of 33 -- have zero chance to win the 500, even if God himself was driving. They'll be out by lap 50 with 'handling' problems. Plus, of the 20 or so with a remote shot, 10 of those will need a miracle to win. So that means Mike has to beat about eight, maybe nine cars to win it. If he comes back again in 2008 he may be top five by just showing up."

The insider said with four Andretti Green Racing teammates out there blocking for him, and if Sam Hornish and Dan Wheldon hit the wall or blow up, it might be Danica, Michael Andretti and Michael's son, Marco, fighting for the win.

AGR is expected to account for about 20% of the entire Indy Racing League field in 2007 by fielding cars for Marco, Danica, Tony Kanaan and Dario Franchitti. AGR said it still had to find a sponsor for Michael's Indy 500 effort, but they weren't concerned. "We'll put a couple of interns on it and let them call back the eight or so sponsors we didn't get around to calling back last week. Shouldn't be that big of a deal. Danica may have to pose with a few more products, but I'm sure we can figure it out. "

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The Iceman Proposeth

It's all TRUE. I swear.
Alerted by the ever-vigalent Jeff at My Name is IRL, Scott "The Iceman" Dixon cracks many smiles as he proposes to his Welsh girlfriend. The bride-to-be gets the all-important public thumbs up from Dixon's mum. Video here.

pressdog raises a pint of New Zealand's Steinlager and gives a howl of congratulations for the Iceman.

(Photo: Dana Garrett, Indy Racing League)

Jeff Olson Represents on Iowa-ness

Fellow Iowan Jeff Olson, now of Indy and RACER Mag, posted a most excellent Q&A on our beloved corn state. Jeff mentions the most excellent Iowa Speedway (right). His article is so good I wish I had written it. Damn you, Jeff Olson! It's just too good.

Check it: The IRL's Field of Dreams.

Grief Counselors Dispatched to Rahal Letterman Racing

Um, yeah, this is all made up.

A team of grief counselors descended on Rahal Letterman Racing in Hilliard, Ohio, Friday to help a team struggling to cope with the departure of Danica Patrick.

"It's just a very difficult time right now," said one teary PR operative. "It's like the phone service is on the blink or something. The phones just went dead at midnight Nov. 30."

As of Friday, IRL ultra-mega-superstar Danica Patrick left Rahal Letterman Racing and went to work for Andretti Green Racing. Late in the 2006 IRL season Andretti Green won a bidding war for Danica (pictured at right with her new AGR ride).

"It's strange," said an RLR insider, "In some places in the buidling you can still smell her perfume. Then suddenly comes the crashing realization -- Danica won't be here any more."

Grief counselors encouraged Rahal Letterman workers to share their feelings and memories of Danica with teammates, friends and loved ones. "Talking about it is always good therapy," said one counselor.

Rahal Letterman operatives also busied themselves with promoting their existing drivers. There was some confusion early Friday, however, when RLR driver Jeff Simmons was briefly mistaken for diet and exercise guru Richard Simmons (left) by some members of the company.

An e-mail sent out by one confused staffer asked "How are we supposed to market this little guy who wears short-shorts and glitter-encrusted tank tops all the time?" The e-mail was later recalled after an extensive study of photos of Jeff Simmons and Richard Simmons showed they were not the same person, and possibly not even biologically related.

"This was a lot easier when we had Danica to fixate on," sighed an RLR mechanic. "With her leaving and our other driver, Bobby (actually Buddy Rice), driving a Champ Car, it's been pretty confusing around here. And with this all coming during the holidays, it just make it hard."

Rahal insiders expected their ship to be righted in time for the 2007 season. "At least Danica is staying in the IRL," said a tire changer. "That way we can watch the ring of media around her from a distance and remember all the good times."
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