Clergy See Fearful Signs in Reunification Talks

Note to the slow: virtually everything below is made up.

Clergy persons around the world registered alarm today that recent events in the Indy Racing League might actually be "signs that the apocalypse is upon us."

Religious leaders pointed to recent merger talks between IRL headman Tony George and ChampCar World Series leader Kevin Kalkhoven and the hiring of KISS rock star Gene Simmons to lead IRL marketing efforts as "breaking the final seal that will loose the devil on earth."

Saying "open-wheel racing needs to be unified," George confirmed recently he was talking to Kalkhoven about mending the open-wheel split that dates back to 1996.

The news greatly distressed racing bloggers and message board posters who view reunification as dramatically reducing what they have to bitch about. The religious community also saw reunification talks as an ominous sign.

"We're certainly alarmed," said the most Rev. Peter Iscobar of Fairfield, N.H. "I've always said the day Kevin and Tony sit down and talk about ways to save open-wheel racing is the day the four horsemen of the apocalypse dismount in my front yard."

Iscobar said with both George and Kalkhoven admitting talks are going on "I'd say life on earth is about over."

Kalkhoven and George were once thought to be signatories to a "mutual assured destruction" agreement, a sort of suicide pact that had them both rejecting any merger even if it killed open-wheel racing entirely.

But with car counts in both series making like an Acapulco cliff diver and Kalkhoven and George allegedly writing huge checks just to keep races going, there may have been an epiphany. Rumors have also swirled that the IRL's television "partner," ABC/ESPN, may actually expect to attract TV audiences that number above 4,503.

Other black-helicopter enthusiasts have taken the elevation of British driver Katherine "Show Some" Legge from Atlantics to the ChampCar series as an escalation in the "babe arms race." Kalkhoven has famously promised not to ask Legge to dawn a thong and drape herself over a car hood to get attention for herself and ChampCar.

But, the theory goes, Kalkhoven may have threatened to "turn up the hoochie momma" factor if George refused to negotiate. The threat of Legge stealing some of the babe appeal now cornered by IRL Rookie of the Year Sensation Danica Patrick may have gotten George to the table.

Meanwhile, the leaders of NASCAR allowed that they are following reunification talks closely. "God help us if open-wheel stops eating its own young," said one NASCAR insider. "And, besides, I'm frightened of Gene Simmons. It's the tongue."

Elsewhere, Bush Administration officials said they are "still considering" calling up the KISS Army for deployment in Iraq.

Gene Simmons, Man or Myth?

pressdog represents on Gene Simmons and the state of the IRL circa March 2006:

Gene Simmons. A fine guy, I'm sure, and he may be doing some good stuff for the IRL. Time will tell. He is definitely getting out of the carbon-fiber box the IRL has been in for about 5 years. I give him major props for trying something new, and more props for getting the league to go along. Given he made a medium-quality band into a household name, the guy knows marketing.

Having said that, how tough is it to be a wild man, "out-on-the-edge," "tough-client-love" guy when you're a trillionaire? Gene has zero to lose by telling the IRL its "logo sucks" and coming up with crazy stuff for them to try. Absolutely no fear of offending the client there. What are they going to do? Fire him? Not like he'd be on welfare if that happened. So, I envy his ability to just say "here's what you should do, and if you don't, you're making a huge, stupid mistake" to the IRL. Wonder if any of the roughly six VPs of marketing the IRL has gone through in the last three years met similar success when they took the tough-love approach to the boss.

It's amazing how companies (in this case the IRL) become amenable to "out-of-the-box" ideas when it gets down to fly-or-die time. For years the IRL has been struggling to find a voice, any voice, that appeals to anyone who isn't already a fan. Freaks like me are watching no matter what. But the IRL is mired in a bunch of dusty traditions and have been listening to the race freaks for too long.

They've been focusing on "quality of racing, horse power, blah blah blah" which nobody who isn't already watching really cares about. Nothing emotional at all. No personality-focused marketing at all since the personalities in the IRL change every five weeks, it seems. Finally, when they're start fearing for their corporate lives, the IRL is letting Gene do something new and go for the emotion. ("I AM INDY") They've finally reached "nothing to lose" stage. Oddly, companies who get to that stage (and thereby try totally new things) often have a marketing resergence. Go figure.

Finally, if you can hear an Indy Car start up, in person, and likewise hear it blow by you at 220 mph and not get goosebumps and/or want to howl like an insane wolf, you have zero testosterone in your body. NONE. Either that or you're technically a corpse.The first time I heard an Indy Car start I nearly dropped my water. I had tightness in the chest. I swear.

So, I hope Gene and Company grab the IRL by the you-know-whats and give it a shake. It's an affront to the racing gods that NASCAR gets more fans than the IRL. It enrages me, frankly.

pressdog Howls for Paul Dana

No race notes for the Toyota Indy 300 at Homestead today out of respect and mourning for Paul Dana who died in a warm-up crash. Rest in Peace, Paul.