IRL Probing Scuffle between Danica Patrick and Saddam Hussein

Disclaimer: Everything below is made up as part of a sorry attempt to get a laugh.

Indy Racing League today revealed that it's "looking into" a confrontation between rookie sensation of the year Danica Patrick and former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

The league said the probe centers on a dustup that happened during the first day of Saddam's long-awaited trial in Baghdad on Oct. 18.

During a break in the proceedings, the AP reported that Saddam got into a scuffle with his guards as he sought to walk out into a hallway. The AP originally reported that pushing and shoving broke out when the guards tried to grab Saddam's arms to escort him out of the room. Saddam angrily shook off the guards.

The IRL today revealed that Patrick (5-1, 100 pounds) was actually in the middle of the fray.

"It came to our attention that Danica was in the courtroom to confront Saddam about not using his head and getting a lot of people killed with the way he was running the country," said an IRL insider. "Danica felt that clearly Saddam let his regime drift high and cause many deaths. When she confronted him, things just got out of hand."

"This little American woman, she slapped me," said Saddam. "It's not bad enough she drives a car and poses without many clothes on, but to come here and poke me in the head and say, 'use this' is too much."

Saddam admitted to being an admirer of Danica's photos during his long jail confinement. When he originally saw Danica, he thought she was there to observe the trial, or perhaps scout a location for an IRL race in Iraq in 2006. "I read they have some openings on the schedule, so I thought perhaps she was making a day of it. In fact, I had my Sharpie out because I thought maybe she wanted me to sign something for her." The dictator was apparently taken aback when Danica "got all up in my grill."

Danica, who got into a similar altercation with Jaques Lazier after crashing during a race in California on Oct. 16, said the incident was overblown. "So, Saddam is saying he got beat up by a girl now?" she said. "It's no wonder he goes from jail cell to jail cell all the time."

A league insider said any sort of meaningful fine or sanction against Patrick was unlikely. "Punish Danica? I mean, who are we kidding here?"

In other news, the league is reportedly put out feelers to former IRL driver Sarah Fisher to see if she'd be willing to go a few rounds with Danica after the 2006 race at Texas Motor Speedway. "Nothing holds a crowd like two chicks battling it out inside a chain-link cage" said one promoter. The league was apparently playing a tape of Danica saying Fisher "has trouble with the racing part of it" over and over to try and enrage Sarah. No word yet on if the effort was succeeding.

Notes from the Toyota Indy 500 at California Speedway (2005)

Female Rookie Sensation Roundup: Rookie Sensation Sarah Fisher started 17th, raced as high as third, and finished 7th at Mesa Marin Raceway in Bakersfield, CA on 10/15. Rookie Sensation Katherine Legge will test an F1 car for the Minardi team at Vallelunga at the end of November.

Welcome to California Speedway at Fontana, CA where the crowd seems to be at least as large as that drawn by a college women's soccer match.

World's Strongest Man contest is the lead in to the show. Video of guys pulling trucks remind me of Toyota engines, for some reason.

Open with an Indianapolis Motor Speedway video salute. Panther's Doug Bole's "WE GOT SCREWED" is now in the ABC/ESPN opening montage. Love it! As is Briscoe's crash from Chicagoland.

Todd Harris: "We are livin' large in so cal here on Firestone race day!"

Wheldon recap. 6 wins. That's a record. First time since 1995 that Indy 500 winner and IRL points winner are the same person.

Todd and Scott Goodyear in the booth. Discussing time of uncertainty for 2006. Danica -- zero victories? Can she get it done today? Don't touch that dial. Todd says Danica has done 704 media appearances so far this year and done them all with grace and style.

Vince Welsh reports from Danica car-side that it takes an average of 33 starts for an Indy Car driver to win. Danica has 17 so far. Expectations managed!

Recurring bit featuring Danica and Wheldon in director's chairs outside a track somewhere. Danica is wearing some of the most enormous sunglasses ever produced. They ask each other questions like:

Wheldon: Leather or lace
Danica: Leather.
Danica: Redkin or Avada?
Wheldon: Avada.
Danica: Paris or Angelina?
Wheldon: Paris.

My viewing is enhanced!

On to more weighty issues: Jamie Little (get her in a car!) with skateboard crazyman Tony Hawk. Tony must be really tall for a skateboarder because he's taller than the 6-footer, Jamie. Tony says the IRL is real loud and super fun! Marvels at the speed. Even Jamie's pony tail is perky.

Penske gets air for the first (and only) time. Talking about how he helped build the track in 1997 and has never had an Indy Car winner there. It's too bad about 923 people have showed up for this race to watch the Toyotas get yet another smack down.

Punch, M.D. -- Honda will be the IRL sugar daddy through the 2009 season, even if it means supplying the entire field with engines. In return, the league will be known as the "Honda Racing League (HRL) featuring Danica Patrick." (OK, I made the HRL stuff up).

Punch with Rahal. Mentions that Rahal has won at least one race in every year since 1998. Bobby doesn't seem wildly optimistic. Stuck more downforce in for Danica earlier today.

Todd: Bobby paces "like a nervous cat."

Hawk: "Drivers, start your ENGINES!" You can almost hear the "dude!" on the end of it.

Danica Cam! Todd says tune into ESPN 360 to see the entire race from Danica's onboard cameras. Todd does not tell us how to do that. Is that a Web site? (I'm assuming.) I'd love to tune in, Todd, if you tell me what to do. None of my business, apparently.

Let's light this candle.

Green flag. Green flag.

Todd -- "We are doing it Southern California style so grab yourself a fish taco and settle in because the surf is flat and the Indy Racing Series has invaded so-cal. It's go time for the Toyota Indy 400."

A few laps later: "It's like there is one blue light special plate left and they're all racing for it." (?)

Kanaan and Danica have a Hornish sandwich. Todd (clearly on a roll now) "Miss Patrick says 'excuse me I'm coming on through I got a race to win.' "

Goodyear talks about engine parity. Um, yeah, unless you're driving a TRD. Then, ah, not so much.

Kanaan Kam! Camera mounted on mirror of Tony's car or something. They love Kanaan Kam!

Lap 10 -- Scheckter, Hornish, Franchitti, Kanaan, Wheldon, Meira, Danica, Quasi Rookie Sensation Tomas Enge, Helio, Herta.

Video of Wheldon cranking the wheel sprint-car-ish. Goodyear reports Danica has extra downforce which makes her fast in the corners but dogs her out in the straights.

Lap 12. Wheldon back to 12th. His car is as loose as the IRL's definition of "blocking."

Lap 20. Mentions that the third Chevy in the race is Quatro's (AJ Foyt IV). Goodyear says Panther has been offered Honda engines for next year. Have to decide between Honda and Toyota (that's a tough choice).

Quatro bushes the wall. Leaves some tire marks but no damage to car. Quatro in during side-by-side while the booth boys are interviewing John Elway who was the honorary green flag person.

Lap 25 -- Scheckter, Hornish, Kanaan, Franchitti, Wheldon, Enge, Meira, Sharp, Danica, Jacques Lazier, Helio

Yellow-yellow-yellow. We got Quatro in the wall. Inconvenient for the booth boys since they were interviewing John Elway. Quatro tosses parts of the car out while waiting for the safety guys. Video of AJ Foyt pointing to the laptop computer. Animated discussions with a woman. He doesn't fling the computer, though.

Todd says the safety team "is not going to err on any side."

Jamie deployed. Says Quatro has knee issues. Groggy when the safety posse got to him. She's on it like stink on a pig.

Holy Goat Rodeo! We got people down in the pit. One of my DRR homeys is down in the pit. Got run over by Roger Yasukawa. Left rear changer was helping put on the engine cover and got tweaked as Roger pulled out.

ESPN launches the Quatro Tribute video package since this is AJ IV's last race in the IRL (probably ever). He's going to NASCAR and once you go fenders, you never go back it seems. Quatro won some stuff until he got to the IRL. Since then, not so much.

Jamie with AJ -- Jamie's mic is shorting out but she's trying to make some in-interview adjustments until she can get a yellow and get it swapped out. AJ says Quatro "got moved back four spots and then what's his name was blocking him, the 26 car (Wheldon! Blocking? No way!). It just jumped out from under him."

Todd tells us to go to ESPN 360 to check out wall-to-wall Danica Cam. Again, Todd doesn't tell us HOW to go to ESPN 360. Is that a Web site? Throw me a friggin' bone, Todd.

Danica Cam! She's 12th!

After mongo 13-lap caution which took longer because they took Quatro off on a backboard, we're green-green-green. Dario blows by Scheckter who had a crap restart. Sharp into 5th.

Lap 50 -- Kanaan, Wheldon, Hornish, Scheckter, Sharp, Vitor, Wheldon, Enge, Helio, Her Highness.

Herta slowing on the back stretch. Cars going on either side of him. Dramatic lifting. Video shows Herta visorless. Not a good thing at 215 mph to have no visor. Much discussion of how rough that would be. Todd is totally freaked out about the prospect of going 215 without a visor. Now we're yellow-yellow-yellow because of the Herta situation.

Pits are open. Herta in to get a new visor. Pit Goat Rodeo II: Dixon in and runs over his fueler. Looked like the fueler couldn't get the nozzle in, had to come out and go back in again, but the pit boss waved Dixon out. We got a fueler down!

Green-green-green.

Goodyear tells us that all four of the amigos (AGR drivers) will be back in 2006. Why wouldn't they? "Um, would you like to come back and win constantly?" "Yes, please."

About here during the live broadcast I went out and mowed my lawn, because we got about 50 laps of nothingness during which Scott and Todd talk about who's in the hospital. When I came back to the tape this morning, I saw that I missed get-well-soons to John Barnes, who had surgery to remove a tumor on this adrenal gland. I know someone who had that very surgery. I swear. The incision is a beee-yotch! About three feet of incision to heal. Also Al Unser Sr. gets a get-well shout out. Hospitalized for an inflamed pancreas. It's like a MASH unit around here.

Lap 75 -- Scheckter, Tony Kanaan, Dario, Wheldon, Sharp, Enge, Vitor, Helio, Rice, Sam.

During this time, we get may minutes of stirring video from the back of Scheckter's car which shows either Tony Kanann or Dario Franchitti. Gripping.

Todd and Scott return to the "win the last race for Chevy" story line. Send them out with a bang in the final race before Chevy bails out of Indy Car.

Buddy Rice gets air. He's in 8th. ESPN going down the field here. Buddy is looking for the nightmare season to be over.

We get to Danica in 10th, and Todd announces that Danica is playing her game. Sitting in 10th until she finishes 16th. No, seriously, Todd says she's sitting poised in 10th. Todd: "You might be saying, 'Oh, Danica is not going to be around for the finish. I might as well click over and watch some big grown men beat up on each other.' " BUT DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL. She's sitting in 10th like a viper, ready to strike! Last 50 laps, "that's when the Rookie of the Year excels."

Todd: "Grand Coolie (how do you spell that?) Damn, she's fast." (Todd is clearly cleaning out the Toddism closet on this, the last race of the year.)

Jamie -- Scheckter's contract is up and he's racing for his job. You can tell.

Pitting. Goat Rodeo III: A Kanaan crew guy makes a dive to get a wheel gun out of the way and almost gets run over by Dario who is coming out of the pit behind Kanaan's. Scott: "He'll need a few big gulps after that."

Holy Speed Trap. We got pit speed violations everywhere. Enge gets a drive through penalty.

EMERGENCY FLASH: As we cycle through the pit stops, DANICA LEADS. DANICA LEADS on lap 89. You can almost hear the paper bag inflating and deflating as Harris tries to control his hyperventilation.

Buddy Rice and Sam get a drive through penalty for pit speed as well. Lazier and Kosuke too. Crazy. Danica back down to 7th as the pit cycling continues. Todd wonders out loud if she can make a run in the last 50. Don't touch that dial. Say no to the "big grown men beating up on each other."

Scheckter is trying to lap Rice. Rice isn't going quietly. Side by side and meanwhile the AGR posse closes up behind.

Lap 100 -- Scheckter, Dario, Wheldon, Kanaan, Meira, Sharp, Patrick, Helio, Dixon(!), J. Lazier.

Lap 103 -- The rear of Scheckter's car has now gotten more air time than the non-Danica cars in positions 12-20 combined.

Lap 105 -- The first of many times Todd says that Dario Franchitti should be cast as the new James Bond. Todd's rationale: Married to a literal Bond girl (Ashley is a Bond girl? That's what "literal" means. She's ACTUALLY a bond girl! Todd has blown her cover!) Drives a car fast. Flies a chopper. Has the accent. It's perfect.

Danica is 7th! We're very excited by this. Todd urges us not to miss the World Premier of the Danica and Dan Patrick ESPN commercial. "Get the TiVo ready!"

(After the spot). Todd -- "Polish up the Oscar! Danica, without saying a word, stole the show."

Jim Kite in the Ethanol car gets air! Major air for Jimmy. He's cashing in on running beside Danica. It's a great strategy. Goodyear mentions that Ethanol had events at gas stations near the track Friday they sold ethanol enriched fuel to motorists for a scant $2.20 a gallon. Burn corn not oil, baby!

Jamie in the pits with Gary Pedigo of Panther. Pedigo says unfortunately not everyone is signed for next year because they got some issues to deal with.

Pitting. Vitor in. Can we get through this without having Goat Rodeo IV? Scheckter in. STALLS on the way in. Much scrambling to get it started.

DANICA LEADS. DANICA LEADS. Welsh does the voice over and says it might rain. Todd: "I told ya she's BACK!" Paramedics rush into the ESPN booth to administer CPR to Todd. You can hear them yelling "CLEAR" in the background as Scott tries to cover.

Lap 125 -- DANICA! (due to some pit cycling, but still), Helio, Lazier, Dixon, Matsurra, Rice, Dario, Wheldon, Sharp, Hornish.

Oh, wait, Danica pits on lap 126. Her crew gives her a blistering 11.4-second stop. She's back out in 13th or something.

Todd, in a program note similar to that great heads up he gave to TiVo the Danica/Dan Patrick commercial, says we should stay tuned for some compelling TV with Dan Wheldon and Danica asking each other questions in the director's chairs. Sampling of said questions:

Danica: Indy 500 winner or (points) champion?.
Wheldon: Indy 500 winner.
Danica: Have you ever been in love?
Wheldon: Cut.

I almost couldn't leave my seat during the compelling TV, but I had to take a dump really bad. Luckily I have it on tape to save for my children.

Lap 150 -- Dario, Kanaan, Wheldon, Sharp, Meira, Scheckter, Helio, Lazier, Danica, Dixon.

Lap 162 -- Danica pitting. Todd: "Can she get her pony up and running to the front?" Stay tuned!

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Kosuke sideways in the pits. Nobody knows what happened. Mangled left rear. No video available. Chance for Scheckter to get bunched up for the restart.

Green-green-green. Todd: "Release the hounds at Fontana!"

Lap 177 -- Dario, Kanaan, Sharp, Wheldon, Vitor, Scheckter, Lazier, Danica, Helio, Dixon.

179. Three wide. Danica tries to go under Lazier and ends up down on the apron. The white line rule is not in effect.

Goodyear says Vitor is not signed yet at Rahal. I hope it's because they are trying to pay him more money because he's easily their best driver this year, on-track performance-wise.

Danica tries to go under Wheldon and ends up down on the apron again. Danica is spending more time on the apron than a short-order cook.

Lap 183 - Ashley Cam has been activated! Todd says "No question she (Ashley) could be a Bond girl. She could be Mrs. James Bond."

Yellow, yellow, yellow. Danica is toast. Her and Lazier got together. Danica radios "I'm going to get out." She must think her car is on fire. Safety guy lifts Danica down off her car like she's a 12-year old. His hand gets under her butt a little when he lifts her down, but it looks a lot like it's very much in the line of duty, rescue-wise. Seemed like Danica kind of leaned into him to get a lift down. Pressdog rules No Foul! Didn't want to drop her and stuff. Jaques is out and gesturing. Not happy. Kicking and pissed.

Jamie has been deployed. She's with Chippy -- "He (Lazier) has been on the radio all day" complaining about "the girl" pinching him down. Comes by and pinches him down to the white line. "It's damn dangerous, is what it is." Go Chippy! Use that salty language. I'm hoping ABC/ESPN will add "It's damn dangerous, is what it is" to the Boles "WE GOT SCREWED" sound bite.

Ray Leto -- Lazier chopped Danica a couple of times earlier. Came up into her and caused the crash.

Goodyear -- "If Chip doesn't wear glasses, he ought to go get some."

Lap 190 -- Kim Sharp Cam. Sharp is third.

Word is Hornish will try to give Scheckter a push if he can. Hornish is a lap down but in the lead pack.

Green-green-green. Scheckter gets a crap start and Hornish is around him. So much for that plan.

Lap 192 -- Dario, Kanaan, Sharp, Meira, Scheckter, Wheldon, Hornish, Enge, Helio, Herta.

Ashley Cam activated again!

Lap 194 -- Kanaan is in AGR blocking formation (outside high behind Franchitti) Nobody will be passing them today.

White flag. -- Kanaan seems to lift at the line! Dario wins.

Cut to Ashley Cam. Copious weeping. Todd: "The surf is up at Laguna Beach and Dario Franchitti is riding a wave to victory lane." Interview with Ashley, but I didn't listen too closely. Sorry.

Scott wonders out loud if Kanaan lifted. Onboard video and audio says he got out of the throttle for some reason.

Dario in victory lane. Says there were no team orders.

Jamie with Jaques who says he had no where to go on the track. Says he drifted up "a little bit" but Danica gave him no room. "She ran me down to the white line. Wouldn't give me any room."

Jamie and Danica. Danica says she was on the radio all day that Lazier was all over the track. "It's no wonder he jumps around from ride to ride." Woooooooo. Pretty big talk for a rookie who has perhaps the most secure ride in the history of the IRL and not entirely due to on-track performance. That's scored as a cheap shot from Danica.

Later Lazier claimed (according to news accounts) that Danica punched him when they were in the safety car after the crash. Danica claims she poked him in the head and told him to use it. Safety car driver said he had to tell them to knock it off but wouldn't say if it was a poke or a punch. In an Indy Star report on the poking/punching Danica says through Rahal Letterman Racing's Brent Mauer, "So you're telling me that Jaques is saying he got beat up by a girl?

That's an even cheaper shot. So, Danica is saying she just wants to be treated like a race driver, unless someone claims she hit them, then she can pull out the gender thing and try to embarrass the other person. No, wait, that's lame AND cheap.

Lap 200 -- Dario, Kanaan, Meira, Sharp, Hornish, Wheldon, Scheckter, Enge, Helio, Dixon. Danica 18th.

Interview with Tony. Says he went for the overtake button and it slowed down instead. Not sure what happened. Uh-huh. OK. Whatever you say, Tone.

Broadcast ends with a tribute to Wheldon, but I couldn't watch it. AGR AGR AGR. AGR sweeps the top three in points, wins the Indy 500 and the most races of the year. Tune in next year to watch AGR win some more!