IRL Appoints Vice President of Spontaneity

Note for the humor-challenged: The following is all made up and presented for chortling purposes only.

The Indy Racing League today unveiled a new strategy "to inject some drama and raw emotion" into the IRL starting in 2006.

At the center of the plan is the appointment of Gunter Yugoff as Vice President of Spontaneity.

"My purpose is to add some fire, some honest emotion, some -- how you say -- color into the IRL," said Yugoff, who holds a Ph.D. in spontaneity from the University of Bulgaria and comes to the IRL from a successful private spontaneity coaching practice.

"When my sports clients come to me, they say, 'We have to step up. We have to take our games to the next level. We have to make plays.' Blah, blah, blah," said Yugoff. " I say to them, 'Please. You can stop talking now because the audience, they are already sleeping.' "

IRL officials said they had become alarmed at how bland the competitors were sounding in their interviews, whether track-side or elsewhere. The only notable exception in 2005 was the Panther Racing team. Yugoff gave Panther's Doug Boles high marks for yelling "WE GOT SCREWED" into a mic held by Jamie Little during the Richmond race. He also lauded Panther co-owner Mike Griffin for calling Danica Patrick's car "the Princessmobile" after an incident at Watkins Glen.

"At last some honesty. This is the kind of raw emotion we want," said Yugoff. "At least these men, they're being candid with the viewers. If you think it's a princess mobile, say so. Have some fun with it. Blow it out a little."

Yugoff suggested that teams who are always reporting their cars are "loose" could "blouse it up a little" by saying "loose as a goose" or, even better, "my car is as loose as the league's interpretation of blocking." He also called for teams to use terms like "freak show" and "goat rodeo" when possible.

IRL officials pointed to the lack of camera time given to colorful IRL characters such as Eddie Cheever and AJ Foyt in 2005 as one of the factors leading to the downward spiral in spontaneity.

With Cheever (who regularly dropped words like "insanity" and "idiot") averaging about ten seconds of air time every five IRL races and Foyt becoming more and more unintelligible every day, the league decided to get the three teams who were actually winning a little help at moving beyond cliches.

"The teams that are winning and therefore getting a ton of air time just didn't step up," said Chett Marselmeyer, the IRL's associate vice president for business development, who immediately drew a scowl from Yugoff. "Er, that is to say, um, they have all the color and panache of a rotting carp."

Yugoff said he doesn't want profanity, which he called "a spontaneity crutch."

"How tough is it to drop the f-bomb? Not tough at all. What I want is honest, yet well articulated, emotion, especially anger. We never see the anger," said Yugoff. "If your engine frags on the back stretch, I say get out and kick it. Tell me video of Jimmy Kite beating his pig-slow Toyota engine with a sledge hammer wouldn't make SportsCenter. Someone is blocking you on track, maybe say 'his car has a butt bigger than my mother-in-law's" or 'he's harder to get around than a fat guy at a buffet.' Blow a half-shaft in the pits? Chuck your helmet. You know, vent a little. Helio and others being bubbly an effervescent can only get you so far on the spontaneity meter."

Yugoff praised ABC/ESPN announcer Todd Harris for injecting "some humor, whether intentional or not," into the broadcasts. "Todd, really 'turns the trick' in the booth," Yugoff said.

Yugoff said the fans will love the honest emotions. "In NASCAR, they throw the helmets at the cars and get on SportsCenter for a week," said Yugoff. "If it wasn't for Danica today, the IRL would be tucked into the sign off on SportsCenter: 'I'm Stuart Scott. Someone won an IRL race today, we'll be right back to do this all again. Take care everybody.' That's going to change. In the IRL, we will throw a few verbal helmets. It will be more fun than lapping a stock car. "

In other news, the IRL announced that Vice President Dick "Bust a Cap" Cheney has taken the unprecedented step of inviting rookie sensation Danica Patrick (5-foot, 100 pounds) to his undisclosed location "to get away from the incessant fans and media horde after the season." Patrick replied "I'm already packed, Mr. Vice President."

Notes from the Watkins Glen Indy Grand Prix (2005)

Notes from the ABC broadcast of the Watkins Glen Indy Grand Prix on 9/25/05

Female Rookie Sensation Roundup: Erin "No relation to Betty" Crocker started 9th and finished 35 in the Busch race at Dover on Sept. 24. Some ya-ya got under her left rear and spun her. Erin was pissed post-race. You don't want to piss off those dirt trackers. Rookie Sensation Sarah Fisher started 10th, raced up to 7th, then got a flat tire and went several laps down, finishing 12th at Roseburg, Oregon on 9/17. Sarah and Rookie Sensation Allison Duncan both tested in Childress Busch Cars on the week of the 17th.

Welcome to Watkins Glen. ABC is in the enviable position of running a road race (notoriously popular with American sports fans) up against the NFL during the heart of the NFL coverage hours. Good luck with that. Anything over a 0.5 TV rating is a victory.

Open with the historic footage montage complete with Emerson Fittipaldi and his Elvis hair, sideburns and glasses. Striking.

Todd Harris says "rookie Danica Patrick." No "rookie sensation." Is she no longer sensational? Todd reminds us that Danica is still looking for that first win. Could it be today?

Video of Wheldon winning at Chicagoland. Dr. Jerry Punch, M.D., has the hard job of trying to inject some drama into Wheldon's quest for a championship. He has to make one lap, pretty much, and it's a done deal. Not much drama there.

Jamie Little (get her in a car!) with Helio, the pole sitter. Helio has been snakebit on road courses. Video of Quatro taking him out and then Briscoe going through the dirt to take out America's heartthrob (Danica) and Helio. Cold.

Jamie wins for best pit reporter makeup. Beat out Jack the Root (who is MIA at The Glen). Jamie is always "picture perfect" to borrow from Todd. What's with the hand gestures, Jamie? She's flinging those hands around when she talks. Crazy!

Interview with Dixon who says the major problem today will be passing. Huge, animated exclamation points come off the top of my head. Passing difficult on a road course? REALLY? I'm in shock for several seconds.

Talking to the Target guys gives ABC a chance to throw in some video of Briscoe crashing at Chicagoland. Three replays of it. Briscoe is out of the hospital. In a taped interview he says he feels lucky not to be dead.

ABC lineup promo! The first of many. Desperate Housewives is on tonight. I'll be reminded repeatedly. Hey, I wonder if Terri Hatcher can drive an Indy Car?

Todd and Scott Goodyear in the booth which is out in the wind. Major hair control products have been deployed. Windy as heck. Talk about how exciting the qualifying format was without telling us what the format was. Whatever it was, it was exciting. Scott says the course is fun to drive because of the 11 turns and the rolling terrain, etc.

"The wind may be blowing but the driver's are excited." -- Todd. Just a warmup for his race start line, which I eagerly anticipate every week.

Jamie voice over during dramatic shots of Danica's car. Says she could win rookie of the year today unless Quasi Rookie Sensation Tomas Enge finishes way, way, way ahead of her. Briscoe was Danica's main rival until he put it into the fence in Chicagoland. Jamie says, "Keep your eye on number 16, Danica Patrick." Like we have an option with ABC running the cameras.

Danica starts 16th.

Let's light this candle. Green flag. Green flag.

Todd -- "The temperatures are cool but the racing will be hot. It's go time at the Glen as open-wheel racing invades the Empire State."

Cure the turn-one circus music. Dario goes WAY wide on turn 1 but nobody rolls it. Wheldon has Nose Cam this time. Dario had it on the last road race.

Goodyear says fuel strategy may be key. Shocker number 2. If you can't pass on the track, then you gotta pass in the pits, I guess.

Danica Honda ad. I've heard a lot about it. Pretty good. Not FHM-ish by any stretch. Danica is good in front of the camera. Seems very natural. I can see why sponsors love her (aside from the babe-ness, she's great on camera,which not everyone can pull off).

I was so busy concentrating on the Danica commercial I missed Tomas Scheckter going into the gravel trap on the side-by-side. Left front suspension blows, he's way off the course. Not sure why this is a full-course yellow, though.

Later I read that the Panther people were cheesed that the IRL didn't tow the car in to let them determine if they could fix it up. Yahoo story quote:

"If it was the 'Princessmobile,' the IRL would make sure that car would be in the garage getting fixed right now," Panther Racing co-owner Mike Griffin snapped. "I'd like to know how many wreckers the IRL has at this course."

Holy favoritism accusations! You can almost hear Doug Boles in the background of that quote screaming "WE GOT SCREWED!" Griffin must not have gotten the IRL memo that Danica should be referred to as "her highness." Kidding. I think maybe Panther should get over it. Just me talking, though.

During the yellow, I think Enge went ass around but got back in line. The camera guys seemed to be on it, but Todd was doing some get-well-soon shout outs and missed it. Oblivious.

Danica is 10th in the Princessmobile.

Goodyear says "the 27 (car) of Tony Kanaan." Tony is 11. Dario is 27. Don't lock up on us now, Scott.

Lap 10 -- Helio, Kanaan, Dixon, Carpentier, Franchitti, Pantano, Enge, Vitor, Wheldon, Hornish.

ABC is packing this thing with commercials. One commercial every two green laps, I swear. We're going into another commercial. Let's try to keep track. I'll probably miss a few, but this is lap 14. (Danica is 12th, reporting some excess drag because of her tiara.)

Dixon Shift Cam! First view. Shifting, shifting. Todd calls it Shift Cam. Striking. Todd says: "Dario is T-H-E mad." What the heck does that mean? Anyone? Maybe I'm just "D-U-M-B" because I have no idea. (Note: later message board posters claimed Todd said "T-H-E man." If so, I stand corrected, but it's still a little goofy.)

Onboad with Danica. Danica gets so much onboard she's been able to sell the space on top of her helmet to an advertiser. That's all you need to hear. She pitted but didn't get tires. She must get good tire wear, because this is her main strategy. Pit but not get tires. Griffin claims she gets the extra-special Princess Tires (kidding).

Lap 18, we go side by side (four whole laps since the last commercial!)

Dixon passes Kanaan! Actual TELEVISED PASS! I am jolted out of my slumber. TK had been warned for possibly blocking right before the pass. Imagine my surprise.

Lap 20 -- Helio, Dixon, Kanaan, Dario, Carpentier, Pantano, Wheldon, Enge, Hornish, Meira.

Danica 14th. Reports that her glass slippers are getting a little hot inside the car. (Joking!)

Pitting. Dixon runs over his own air hose. No penalty. Danica in and takes new tires! Todd takes this moment to remind us that Danica is a rookie and that the 23-year-old rookie has done well. Todd can check "manage expectations" off his list.

Buddy Rice. What the? His left front wing is gone. Replay shows him darting the fence on the pit out. Bad.

Danica's car is dead on the course! Holy Rahal Rupture. They're dropping like flies. Looks like Danica accidentally hit the kill switch or something. Later she confirmed that she did hit it by accident. Love the honesty. "Hey, I screwed up." You'd be amazed at how athletes and people in general can't bring themselves to say that. Shout out to Her Highness for that.

Danica gets a tow and restarts it. Danica Cam! Great close-up of Danica's knuckles on the steering wheel.

Jamie with Buddy. Buddy admits he was pushing too hard coming out of the pits and got squirrelly. Shout out to Buddy for being straight up about screwing up.

Lap 31 -- DIXON PASSES FOR THE LEAD. Holy sheeeee-it. A pass for the lead on a road course. I sit bolt upright in my chair here and about spray Bud Select all over the TV.

Vitor Meira is dead in the pits now. Some kind of electrical thing. (Speaking of Bud Select) Bobby Rahal is drinking early today.

Lap 31 -- Dixon, Helio, Kanaan, Wheldon, Carpentier, Enge, Hornish, Matsuura, Sharp, Jeff Bucknum.

Lap 33. Dixon hasn't won since Richmond in 2003. 40 races.

Video montage tribute to Wheldon since we have passed the half-way point of the race and he's officially the points champion. Crazy old photos of Dan with some poofy hair. Interviews of Wheldon's father, Clive. Nice little package.

Lap 38 we go side by side!

Glenys Dixon (Scott's mom) gets air! Parent Cam is activated. Where's Bev Patrick? Lurking, lurking. Is that her in the back with the rainbow fright wig? KIDDING. I like Danica, I swear.

Lap 40 -- Dixon, Helio, Kanaan, Dario, Carpentier, Enge, Hornish Jr., Sharp, Pantano, Wheldon.

Pitting. Dixon in. 10.4. Todd: "Dixon turns the trick at 10.4." Fastest trick ever turned! You can't even say "Hey, what's your sign?" in 10.4. I guess when you have a race to finish, you have to turn those tricks really fast.

Kanaan Wing Cam. ABC is really digging the Wing Cam.

Todd declares Patrick Carpentier a "Frenchman." I thought he was French Canadian. I could be wrong.

Dixon moving back to the front after pitting. Dario and Dixon touch. Wow. What if Dario had taken him out? Chip and Mike Andretti might have rumbled.

Wing came again. Commercials. Lap 48.

Dixon passes Kanaan for the lead AGAIN. Helio is fading fast.

Glenys gets major air. Todd says Dixon has a horse named after him. Todd -- "If I had a horse named after me it would be a donkey." Goodyear -- "Stuck in the mud somewhere." Love the in-booth banter!

Lap 50 -- Dixon, TK, Dario, Carpentier, Helio, Pantano, Hornish, Wheldon, Enge, Sharp.

Danica 17th.

Jamie with Chip. Chip says we need to make sure Dixon gets to the end before we party. Would end a long dry spell. Jamie asks if Dixon will be back next year. "Where did that come from?" Chip asks. Tells Jamie Dixon is under a "long-term contract." Scott adds that when drivers are winning, it's a long term contract, but when they are tearing up cars and losing it's suddenly a short-term contract.

Barron goes nose-first into a barrier. Caution. Commercial on lap 51. MOM CAM. Jamie is dispatched to talk to Glenys. Glenys says she's nervous for the restart. She could take Dixon getting passed under green, but getting caught on the restart may kill her. She says it would be a huge win for Dixon, especially on a road course.

5 to go. Green-green-green-green. Dixon may gave jumped early. Andretti Green may have something to complain about. Not sure. Speculation in the booth but no replay. Goodyear said he would have done the same thing and been on it big time.

Sam and Danica almost touch. Sam probably not happy since Danica is a couple laps down and Hornish is racing for a top five.

Glenys Cam! Danica has clinched the rookie of the year title.

Enge and Helio get together before the chicane. Yellow, yellow.

Dixon's drought is over. He's going to win at the Glen. Todd keeps saying something about Dixon should take his wreath down to some pub or something. Not sure what that's about.

Dixon getting out of his car, but rather than the reaction and seeing him hug the team, we go to full-screen commercials because it has been five whole laps since the last commercial break.

Jamie with Dixon. Her hand gestures about knock him out. Dixon give shout outs to the team. Gets a hug from Chippy.

Punch calls Dan "The Great Britain."

Danica glad to have rookie of the year. Wanted to have good steady learning curve during the season. Happy with her progress. Maybe still win at California.

Dario interview. Doesn't yell at his crew. Seems fine with third. Maybe he's been drinking. (kidding!)

Lap 60 -- Dixon, TK, Dario, Pantano, Wheldon, Matsuura (started 12th!), Hornish, Herta, Sharp, Carpentier. Danica finishes 16th (two laps down).

Todd leaves us with "A Kiwi is King at the Glen."

Pressdog goes Behind the Pit Wall at the IRL Race at Chicagoland

Attention fellow Indy Racing League freaks: Thanks to my friend, Lou Ann Baker, PR Czarina for Dreyer and Reinbold Racing, pressdog went "behind the pit wall" during the IRL race at Chicagoland Sept. 10 and 11 and tackled the key issues. (Gratuitous traffic-driving mention: I talk about DANICA.) Get the complete story on the mother site, www.pressdog.com.

NASCAR Agrees to "Look Into" On-track Gunfire

Note: This is all made up. There was really no gunfire. For humor purposes only.

NASCAR officials said they would "take a serious look at" reports that drivers exchanged gunfire on the track during the Sylvania 300 in Loudon, N.H. on Sept. 18.

"The discharge of firearms inside the city limits without a permit is a pretty big deal," said one NASCAR official, who said the drivers involved may get called to the NASCAR trailer for a "stern talking to" if it proves to be true.

Observers say drivers exchanged fire on three to five occasions, once under yellow. "I saw one driver popping off with a nine (millimeter pistol) with his right hand and another driver went high. I was a little worried about a stray round taking out a fan. That would have seriously screwed our TV window. The other driver returned fire with a .357 magnum, and I was like, 'That's old-school, right there.' I kind of wondered how he would reload while driving, though."

Fans just see the crackle of gunfire as a natural evolution from the intentional crashing, helmet throwing, oval-based brawl that NASCAR has become. "Shit, they do every other thing, might as well start popping off rounds at each other," said one tailgater who arrived at the track four days early. "I don't have a big problem with it, as long as they settle it on the track and Junior doesn't catch a stray round."

Other fans reported seeing one pit crew setting up a mortar on the top of their hauler at about lap 183. "I yelled up there and asked what they were doing and they said, 'just a precaution.' "

The drivers allegedly involved in the on-track firefight brushed off concern. "Just one of them racing deals," said one driver. "I don't think NASCAR needs to get involved if a couple of guys want to exchange a few shots. They don't seem to care if we try to kill each other with our cars, so why should this be a big deal?"

NASCAR officials differed, however, saying that having a driver shot dead on the track by a fellow driver might damper the sport's appeal to sponsors. "On the other hand, it would give us a bunch of laps to work in some more commercials, so you have to weigh all the factors," said an unidentified NASCAR official.

In other news, the Indy Racing League's Dan Wheldon, who simply has to start the next race to win the points championship, is reportedly considering driving the first lap of the race with his knees. "It makes it easier for him to wave to the crowd as he goes around, explained a Wheldon spokesman.

©2005 Bill Zahren

Notes from the 2005 Peak Antifreeze Indy 300 (Chicagoland)

Notes from the ABC broadcast of the Chicagoland race on 9/11/05

Female Rookie Sensation Roundup -- Busch Rookie Sensation Erin "Country" Crocker crashed in qualifying, started dead last (43rd), crashed in the race and finished 39th in her first Bush race ever on Sept. 9 at Richmond. Not all bad news, though, because Erin's mom, Betty Crocker, announced she will sponsor Erin for the entire 2006 Busch schedule. (Betty Crocker the corporation, not the person. Try to keep up. I have no idea what Erin's real mom's name is.)

Toyota Atlantic Rookie Sensation Katherine "Show Some" Legge finished third in the league points behind Charles Zwolsman (first) and Tony Kasements (2nd). Legge won the BBS Rising Star Award.

NASCAR West Series Rookie Sensation Sarah Fisher started sixth, was up to third in three laps and then blew a crank shaft on lap 29 and finished 22nd on Sept. 9 at California Speedway.

Finally, Infiniti Pro Series Rookie Sensation Sue McCune started on the pole at Chicagoland and crashed on lap 6 when she got tangled with Jay Drake on 9/11.

Welcome to Chicagoland. ABC intro montage shows Buddy going up and over on his lid and an epic .0099-second margin of victory finish.

Todd says Danica now lives in Roscoe, Ill. I thought she lived in Phoenix but grew up in Roscoe. My mistake, apparently. Danica's dad's 360-dance is now part of the ABC video montage library. He must be proud.

ABC hints that Rookie Sensations Patrick and Briscoe don't like each other. Memories of Danica calling Briscoe a "stupid idiot" after the crash last race (8/25). Danica was on the pole for Chicagoland until Briscoe qualified faster late in the session. BUT WAIT A SECOND. Chip is a cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater, apparently, because the Target posse got busted for an illegal rear wing. Shades of Panther! In fact, Panther and Target's haulers were side-by-side in the pit. Hmmmmmmm. Did I see some yellow paint under the Target red?

Danica says she wasn't pissed that Briscoe knocked himself out with he crazy move at Infineon last week. Later she tweaks Ryan with "Fast cars are fast cars and we had the fast legal car." Wooooooe. Chip and Rahal may GO!

Jerry Punch, M.D. with Kanaan. The now obligatory video of Kanaan going five wide at Kentucky on the restarts and swerving through traffic. Punch is looking forward to Kanaan swerving up to the front from mid-pack at the start.

National anthem sung by a a sailor. Coast Guard chopper fly over. I wanted him to fly a lap. Tailgate flags get air. Sept. 11 montage.

Danica Peak Ad. Shut up. Way hotter than her FHM mag shots, in my opinion. Those had too much of a 12-year-old vibe to them. Whoever shot the Peak ad should get a raise. Danica in the ad: "Out here I can take on anything. I'm tough enough to take on anything and fast enough to get away with it. When you Peak, you win." Sha. Mega shout outs to my fellow copywriter on that ad. You cannot deny Danica's babe factor.

We got a parachute guy down on the infield. One of the pre-race parchute guys who came in with a huge IRL flag dangling from his leg crashed hard. Video of him being loaded into the ambulance. I saw him come on in while at the track. Looked like a down-draft hit the guy and he smacked down on his butt on the infield. Nasty. Went right into a fetal ball. Many tense moments. I think maybe he got knocked out or something. But, he's waving from the stretcher, so we're feeling good. Turns out no broken bones.

Todd Harris and Scott Goodyear in their opening bit together. You see Goodyear ONCE for about two minutes during most broadcasts and that's it. He probably strips down to shorts and a T-shirt after that. Todd says Danica is a native of Wisconsin who now lives in Illinois. Phoenix? Anyone?

Danica in the car. Scott says Honda is gong to win. Shocking prediction from Scott. He says maybe Vitor will win. Todd agrees. Somewhere Bobby Rahal is going, "Who is this 'Vitor' they keep talking about?"

Chris Schenkel is dead. The guy who did all the bowling. ABC does a tribute. I dug Chris.

Danny Wheldon's parents (Sue and Clive) get air. They jetted over for England for the race. First race they've seen since Indy and that one turned out pretty well for Dan. They ask Sue something and she says, and I quote in it's entirety, "Definitely. Definitely." Dad Clive has a bit more to say, but they aren't chatty. I'm sure we'll get to Danica's mom soon. The Parent Cam has been activated, after all.

They show Wheldon and Kanaan in an interview from a year ago wherein Wheldon says Kanaan is his family and then Kanaan kisses him on the cheek. Sha. Kanaan predicts Wheldon will win a championship. Todd calls Kanaan "Nose-tradamus." Get it? I give Todd a shout out for it. Made me chuckle.

Buddy Lazier has his car tricked out in the American Red Cross and toll-free number (1-800-HELP NOW) to help Hurricane Katrina victims. All cars have a little Red Cross decal on them. Shout out to the IRL and Panther and Pennzoil for giving the Red Cross the space.

Dancia Cam! First shot today. There she is. Danica. That's her head right there, with the helmet on it.

Let's light this candle. Green flag. Green flag.

Todd: "In the Windy City Michael Jordan may be The Man but today at Chicagoland Speedway the lone female leads the running of the bulls to the line."

OK, if Danica is a female (and she is or she's a really good actor) then under Todd's metaphor she'd be a, well, a cow (because all bulls are male, Hoss). Actually she may be a heifer (female cow who has never given birth) but I don't know Danica well enough to know if she's ever given birth. No report of said birth, anyway.

Danica watch: Starts on the pole, drops to fourth by lap two, stays there until lap 10, then down to fifth, and then down to 11th by lap 20. Nothing to get too panicked about.

Dario gives Brian Barnhart angina early by going five wide.

Leto is on the radio telling Danica to get settled in and get into a groove. Danica hangs in at fourth for a bunch of laps. In-car cam of Danica with Herta high.

Kanaan passed four cars in one lap. They love his restarts on ABC. Look for them to show the tape of this one at the next race. I think all AGR cars should start at the tail of the field as a rule just to make it entertaining as they drive up through the pack. Kanaan pulls up to Danica to say hi.

Danica holding pretty well in 4th. Todd: "Could this be the day (that Danica wins it), Scott?" Todd better warm up the Mother Theresa references just in case. Kanaan passes Danica on lap 10. Bev Patrick gets air going into the commercial.

Cialis loves the IRL. As part of the Cialis commercial, men are instructed to see a doctor immediately if an erection lasts more than four hours. Most men who are Cialis age would call their friends and the media if they had an erection that lasted four hours.

Scheckter leads.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. WOOOOEEE Nellllly, Briscoe is airborne up over Alex Barron and into the catch fence. We got fire. His car busts in two as it hits the fence underside first (thank God). Barron sees fire and is out of his car almost before it stops. He's outta there, man. I thought he was part of the safety crew he was out of there so fast. Shout out to Alex for bailing in a hurry. Pull the pins and get out, Alex. Check this awesome photo of Briscoe's car busting up by the AP and published in the Indy Star on 9/12.

Kosuke got collected too. We got chunks of Briscoe's car everywhere. Tires back there. Smoldering engine over there. Rear wing over there. It's like the scarecrow after the flying monkeys worked him over. Safety crews swarming on the cockpit of Briscoe's car. Kosuke and Barron are out and OK. Both cars are scrap. Replays show Barron and Briscoe went tire to tire and Briscoe got launched and busted up the second he hit the fence. Barron says he didn't know jack until Briscoe hit him in the rear. Much speculating who's fault it was. Tough call to make. Briscoe must not have an onboard camera because that would have been nasty video indeed.

Jamie Little (get her in a car!) with Eddie Cheever. Cheever says Briscoe went over the back of Alex. Alex was up high and got clipped. "Those are the accidents that should never happen in the IRL" Eddie declares.

Briscoe gets ambulanced out of there. His Toyota looks like a caribou that got ripped apart by a pack of hungry lions. Plus there is now a hole in part of the catch fence so we gotta fix that. IRL crews are on it, baby. They're all over it. Full deployment.

Pits are open. In they come for gas and out.

Jamie is fully deployed and reports Briscoe got a blow to the head. Scary. When IRL drivers wake up screaming and bathed in their own urine, they've just had a nightmare wherein huge chunks of shrapnel are coming at their heads at 210 mph. 'Cause their aint no ducking in an Indy Car.

Red flag, red flag. We're stopping on pit road and turning them off until the mess is cleaned up and the fence is fixed.

Danica Cam. There she is with her visor up and her little fan blowing on her face.

John Anderson, Wheldon's team manager, tells Punch things got a little "nodgy' (or maybe it was "dodgy") with the car. British stuff, I dig it. Maybe he'll call Punch a "little pissah!" like he called Wheldon right after Wheldon won the Indy 500.

Robbie "Incredi" Buhl gets air. Robbie, former driver, current driver of a mean pace car and part-owner of Dreyer and Reinbold. Talking about a hospital in New Orleans the team supports through its most-excellent Racing for Kids charity. DRR is raising money to help them. 1-877-277-7552, baby.

Todd takes advantage of Robbie's former driver-ness to get some analysis of the crash. Robbie points out that the spotter is up there providing info to the driver but the spotter isn't the person driving the car. In fact, Robbie is spotting for DRR driver Roger Yasukawa, so he's gotta get back up on the roof.

Much video of Chip Ganassi on a scooter. Chip seems to be smiling and giving the OK sign, so I guess that means Briscoe is going to be OK.

More Danica cam. Let's go to Jamie who asks Bev, as a mom, what it's like to see the crash. Bev says she puts it out of her mind as much as she can. "Some days I kind of wish she was a singer." Gives a shout out to the IRL safety program. Relentless, Jamie works the gender angle asking if a MOM feels differently about a DAUGHTER in the car. Because if it was a FATHER with a DAUGHTER or SON in the car, we'd pretty much not care, I guess. Mom's care more about their daughters, I guess. We fathers would be pissed that the kid ruined a perfectly good race car, apparently.

Danica Cam again! We're on our way to challenging the record of Danica Cam shots set when the camera was first introduced.

Punch with a nice segment using the cut-away car. Says the cars snap together and come apart like Legos. Shows the breaking points for the car that let it absorb energy. Big bullet dodged that the accident happened way back in the pack and not mid or front of the pack, because what goes up into the fence has to come down, and hopefully not on another car.

Chip tells Jamie Briscoe is going to be OK considering how crazy it looked. Chip says seeing something like that puts the fear of God into ya. Gives the IRL posse a major and deserved shout out for their safety gear/response.

We're going green again after a 16-minute red flag. Todd busts out his second "picture-perfect day" reference to celebrate. Do I smell a "turn the trick" coming?

Let's re-light this candle. We're green green green.

Lap 45. Sharp in the pack. The way to scare an IRL driver is have his or her spotter say: "You got Sharp in front of you."

Todd declares that Danica "has a certain knack for being in there at the end of the race." Except for the races where she's been lapped or in 14th, which is probably at least half the races. That "knack" is called a "Rahal Honda engine." Dude, seriously, Danica is a rookie driver. Treat her like the other rookie driver.

Lap 50: Wheldon, Scheckter, Nose-tradamous, Hornish, Sharp, Helio, Danica, Herta, Quasi-rookie sensation Tomas Enge, Dario.

In-car camera shows Danica going up the track and making Herta piss his pants. Goodyear declares everyone who is driving is "certifiable insane" and I tend to agree, especially after seeing Briscoe's car turned into carbon-fiber confetti.

Helio goes down into Scheckter who goes down into Danica and she's on the apron at about 210 mph. Danica passes Sir Blocksalot (Sharp). Todd says Danica is doing a great job.

Danica Cam!

Dario goes four wide. Barnhart starts hurling into a wastebasket in Race Control.

Lap 75 -- Wheldon, Scheckter, Kanaan, Helio, Dario, Hornish, Enge, Danica, Herta, Jacques Lazier. Target Car in the top 10!

Pitting. Helio in. Danica in. Wheldon in for a 9.8-seconder, Hornish in. Enge comes in for an 11.5-second stop.

Lap 86, Hornish sticks the nose of is car under the ass of Helio's.

Yellow, yellow, yellow. Lap 98. Debris. Safety crew is on it.

Holy Sheeee-it, Wheldon gets nailed for going 65 in a 60 (pit speed limit violation). Gotta go to the tail of the pack. Brian "Iron Hand of Justice" Branhart is cracking down! Wheldon does a drive-through pit stop to top off at lap 101.

Green-green-green. Lap 104: Herta (stayed out) Kanaan, Helio, Hornish (pushing, pushing), Buddy Rice (!), Dario, Scheckter, Enge, Danica, Sharp.

Wheldon takes about a lap go gain five spots. Don't get too impressed. AGR Honda rocket vs. Toyota back markers. Don't take that bet even with heavy odds.

Dixon's car is wounded. Limping in at about 34 mph. Got fuel issues, I guess. Chip may be down to one car in the race very soon.

Todd calls the ABC "side-by-side" commercial cam the greatest invention since sliced bread. Todd needs to get out, maybe visit a hospital with the DRR posse.

Wheldon is 7th on lap 128-ish and probably driving with one hand around the back of the field.

Goodyear points out that IRL cars go 215 mph and NASCAR cup cars go 188. NASCAR is just TOO SLOW. I think Goodyear is popping on NASCAR. Wheldon is now fourth. IRL official contemplate sending him to the back of the pack again just to give people some excitement (OK, I made that up.)

Video of Scheckter shifting about 43 times per lap -- up and down, up and down -- to say with Herta.

Lap 137. Enge blows a suspension but stays out of the wall. Boles gives him many shout outs for saving the hardware. Later some good telestrator work from Goodyear shows us the busted part on the rear of the car.

Wheldon is now second. Todd: "Look up greed in the dictionary because Dan Wheldon wants it all." No way Todd writes his own stuff. This is primo material.

Lap 150 -- Wheldon, Kanaan, Scheckter, Dario, Sam, Jacques Lazier (!), Danica, Carpentier, Helio, Quatro(!).

Danica up to fourth. Much excitement in the booth. "She's on her way back!" Todd declares "Danica is coming through at 217 miles per hour." ABC dispatches small paper bags to the booth in case Todd starts to hyperventilate. If he passes out, the IRL safety crew will be there before he hits the floor.

Pitting. Danica. Buddy Lazier gets into Danica's back end (careful!). Tire rubbing. Buddy Rice pitting. As he pulls out, someone, his team manager or someone, says, as near as I can make out from the tape, "This is why I get paid. Make this out-lap count!" At first I thought it was Rice, but then I thought it was his radio guy. Semi-bizarre statement of the race.

Dancia gets fuel only. Jamie tells us that Danica hasn't gotten new tires since lap 98. (Like, 80 laps ago.) Key info! Jamie is adding value! The rest of the field must be feeling good that Danica is on 80-lap-old tires.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Jacques Lazier makes it 3-for-3 on the day for Chip. He's dead meat on the pit entrance.

Booth guys speculate Danica may be able to work with Buddy to track down the leaders. (They are in fourth and fifth). Much giddiness.

Hyper-critical restart. Danica has been working on restarts. Recall the debacle at Indy where her restart ended Sheckter and Enge's day at the Indy 500. Lap 187 restart order: Wheldon, Helio, Buddy, Danica, Scheckter, Kanaan, Sammy, Sharp, Carpentier, Herta.

Green-green-green. Danica jumped the start! She blew under Buddy and almost got into Helio (in second) before the green came out. Way obvious she had passed Buddy before the green. Todd: "The green flag is out but Danica said 'I already know that that's why I'm moving to the front of the pack!' "

Starter lets them go. No wave off. Danica is being told to let two cars go through, but we got a mess. Danica swerves down and just about darts Kanaan. He's down on the apron. Buddy is seriously screwed. He had to get on the binders in reaction to Danica's jump and ended up back in 10th. Lost seven places due to the circus-like restart. Shades of a NASCAR restart with less than 20 to go (wherein they would go six-wide into turn 1). Danica later appologized for fubarring anyone behind her with her jump. I give her props for that. Hey, she tried to time it in a Kanaan-ish fashion and blew it. It happens.

Goodyear is second-guessing the strategy not to change tires, especially when Danica's last stop was 7 seconds. Add a couple more seconds and get some tires, maybe. Not sure how that keeps her from jumping the restart, though.

Booth guys think Danica jumping the start is "aggressive." Todd likes the move. Later Kanaan calls Danica an "idiot" for the "aggressive move" that Todd liked, much like Danica called Briscoe a "stupid idiot" at Infineon for crashing them out. Let's ask Buddy about it who's, um, 10th now what he thought about the move.

Danica settles into sixth with 10 to go. Sam trying to push Helio. He's almost getting out on the nose of his car and pushing on the back wing of Helio's car. Helio moving around a little like he's trying to "defend his position" (block) Sam. I read somewhere after the race that Sam had no radio to tell the team he was trying to push, not pass.

ABC goes side-by-side for what seems like five laps showing Wheldon's father's reaction. Dramatic, but you can't see crap on the track when you do the side-by-side stuff. Nothing against Clive Wheldon, but I'm kind of interested in what's going on on the track. Maybe a little inset picture of Clive within the big picture of the actual race would be better than two little pictures.

Turn 4. Hornish nearly rams Helio from behind. It's close at the line but not enough. Captain Hairdo (Wheldon) wins! Tenth win for AGR. Shocking finish order is AGR, Penske Toyotas, Scheckter sneaking into fourth with a Chevrolet. First non-Penske Toyota is Carpentier in 9th, then the next one is Jacques Lazier in 16th.

Lap 200 -- Wheldon, Helio, Hornish, Scheckter, Kanaan, Danica, Vitor, Sharp, Carpentier, Buddy Lazier. Buddy Rice ends up 13th. Quatro finishes 11th, one place in front of Dario. That's gonna sting. My homey Roger Yasukawa is 15th.

Right here I'm wondering if the racing bootie was on the other foot if Helio would push Sam to try and push him in front of Wheldon at the line. Kind of doubt it.

Many donuts and then Wheldon stalls it and has to get towed in. Jamie interviews Clive who is on fire.

©2005 Bill Zahren