AGR Claims IRL "Loves Danica More than Us"

Note to the humorless: this is all made up.

Andretti Green Racing today filed a formal protest with the Indy Racing League alledging, among other things, that the league "loves Danica more."

The protest stemmed from an autograph session before the July 24 race at Milwaukee in which a separate line was created for those waiting to see rookie sensation Danica Patrick (5-foot-1, 100 pounds). Apparently having two lines, one for "Danica" and one for "Everyone Else" caused AGR to order its drivers to boycott and have a private session later.

"I mean, Christ almighty, you don't have to stick our faces in it," said one AGR driver. "Sure, everyone shows up to see Danica, but the league didn't have to make us feel like total wankers. If that's how it's going to be, we'll take our Sharpies and go home then."

A league insider reported that Dan Wheldon e-mailed Tony George a photo of him with the Borg Warner Trophy with the simple message, "Kiss my bum." Other rumors said Wheldon was willing to talk to officials with NASCAR and Formula One "as long as nobody says nothing to me about Danica."

AGR co-owner Kim Green also protested that Patrick's engineer, Ray Leto, was getting way, way too much air time from ABC/ESPN. "Rushing down to the pit box to talk to Ray Leto every time Patrick moves from 9th to 8th is simply unwarranted," said the complaint. "It clearly shows that the IRL and its broadcast partner have lost that loving feeling. That's time they could be talking to myself or Michael about just how damn great we are."

AGR claimed that if the league would "simply erect 10 to 14 huge billboard that say 'Dan Wheldon is the greatest ever' tracks will sell out immediately and fans will see that they should be attracted to Wheldon as opposed to Patrick."

League officials defended the action saying they couldn't control the fact that a trillion fans wanted to get Danica's autograph and not the AGR drivers. "It wasn't really fair to the 50 or so people who wanted to get an AGR driver's autograph to make them stand in line with 300 people waiting for Danica." The league also said if the AGR drivers wanted to take Danica's place in jumping through a series of media hoops and do "every screwy thing that pops into our mind to promote the league" every week then they might have "room to bitch."

AGR seemed unmoved, however, saying it expected extra Christmas presents, a series of Candygrams and perhaps "a lovely, candlelit dinner" before they would be convinced the IRL still considered them special.

"We see how they look at Danica and, frankly, it hurts," said one driver.

In other news, NASA shuttle commander Eileen Collins sent an e-mail to ABC/ESPN announcer Todd Harris saying, "When Danica goes from zero to 12,000 mph in 8 minutes and orbits the earth for 15 days, you let me know."

©2005 Bill Zahren

Pressdog chokes on the race notes for Milwaukee

Sorry. No notes this time. I set the VCR to tape it, but I set it wrong. Because I'm an idiot.

Back Markers Unveil Crash-Related Marketing Strategy

Note to the overly trusting: this is all made up.

Indy Racing League perennial back markers are rumored to be working on a marketing plan that calls for intentional, strategic crashes among other unorthodox moves.

"We were sitting around the other day talking about how we could drive around with 'Screw Yourselves' on our sidepods and get maybe four seconds of air time," said the owner of one regular bottom-10 finisher, "and someone said 'the only time we get any air time is when we're in the wall.' That kind of started getting us out of the box, exposure-wise."

Bottom-10 teams took a look at the three prongs of ABC/ESPN's television coverage policy: 1) the top 5, 2) Danica and surrounding cars and 3) crashes. They figured points two and three were their best shot.

That set off a frenzy of testing at tracks around the league to determine the best way to do enough damage to the car to bring out the yellow, get maximum air time but not be too expensive to repair. IRL driver Jimmy Kite has apparently become quite adept at getting into the wall but only scuffing the tires and maybe bending the suspension a little and then turning the car sideways for maximum televised sidepod visibility. The resulting video gives his sponsor, Ethanol, maybe ten times the coverage they'd get if he remained in the race.

"It's really about cost-benefit," said one crew chief. "You want to do enough to get the yellow and some air time but not total the thing. Paying for a new $250,000 car kind of wipes out any marketing gains you get from the accident. Fortunately, carbon fiber is relatively cheap to replace."

The teams have also reportedly told their drivers "not to be in a hurry to put out their steering wheel and get out of the car."

"Since TV commentators will focus on the car until the driver puts out the steering wheel ... well, all we're saying is don't be in a rush to throw it out there."

Teams have also been creating a strategy for the "nuclear option' wherein one of them get together with rookie sensation Danica Patrick (5-foot, 100 pounds). The strategy is risky, though, and will only be used when the rewards justify the death threats the driver who takes out Danica would get.

"Maybe if a sponsor is having a great big sale or something," said one driver. "But until then, I'm not going to risk being shot by a sniper from the top of the control tower for crashing into Danica."

Short of that is a strategy to go side-by-side with Danica for as long as possible. Knowing the cameras will be on her car, the back markers hope for some spill over coverage if they can manage to stay beside Danica for several laps.

The ultimate move would be what the markers are calling "the diamond" in which cars surround Patrick, forming a diamond with her in the middle. The move is only viable on tracks such as Texas Motor Speedway that allow for three-wide racing.

"We tried it the other day in practice and Anthony Foyt managed to even hold up a little sign that said '2-for-1 sale' while driving along the side of the diamond. That was some awesome driving."

In other news, Danica Patrick enginer Ray Leto, who averages five minutes on camera every race because of constant Danica Updates, is reportedly close to signing an endorsement deal. The pact would require him to wear a cap bearing the logo of erectile dysfunction drug Cialis during all appearances, preferably with ABC/ESPN pit reporter Jamie Little.


©2005 Bill Zahren

Notes from the 2005 Firestone 200 in Nashville

Notes taken during the ESPN broadcast of the race in Nashville on 7/16/05

S-a-tur-day-NIGHT, S-a-tur-day-NIGHT. Saturday late afternoon, actually.

Before we fire up the race coverage, let's note that Toyota Atlantic Rookie Sensation Katherine Legge got black flagged for blocking during her race in Toronto on Saturday. Got a drive-through penalty and finished sixth. I'm here to tell ya Danica could put it sideways on the front straight to prevent a pass and Brian wouldn't see a thing.

Late Breaking News added 7/17: Katherine Legge wins again.

Elsewhere around the Female Rookie Sensation League, ARCA-REMAX rookie sensation Erin "World of Outlaws" Crocker got second in the ARCA-REMAX race at Kentucky on 7/8, rookie sensation Allison Duncan won a late model race in Stockton, CA and Sarah Fisher is testing Richard Childress in a Busch car for at Gateway in St. Louis on July 19.

So we've been around the chick racer horn, let's get back to the one that ESPN loves the most -- Sarah Fisher.

Kidding. It's Danica-mania, bay-beeeee.

Private bet made to myself at 2:11 p.m. 7/16: Someone, probably Todd Harris, will make a reference to "Hurricane Danica" during the broadcast today because of the havoc Hurricane Dennis has played on the area.

Welcome to Nashville. Eighth word of the entire broadcast is "Danica."

Someone (perhaps Dr. Punchy) says engine parity is apparently evident since there are two Chevys in the top three and a Toyota up there too. Right. Keep saying it and it might be true.

First shot from Dancia Cam (in-cockpit camera looking back at Danica's head). Yep, there she is. In her helmet. Stirring shot. My viewing experience is enhaned.

Punchy: "Tonight Nashville Superspeedway can also be the place that changes the face of racing for many many years to come if indeed Danica Patrick can pull off the win."

Jamie Little (put her in a car!) talking about Vitor and Buddy. Says this year Buddy "has done nothing." Hard to argue. Vitor gone zero for four years on winning. Jamie says he's always a bridesmaid.

Welsh: Scheckter averaging finish is third since Indy. He's enfuego and keeping it out of the wall. Buddy Lazier in the car tonight. Buddy and Scheckter have led a total of 2500 laps.

Green Flag. Green Flag.

Three wide into turn one. Danica is fifth after two laps. Scheckter says "see ya." Danica is down to 8th. Hornish moving up.

Buddy Lazier is holding his position in the top 5. Goodyear says Lazier is very fit. The booth guys usually point out who is fit. Alex Barron is also very fit. Maybe the IRL should create a beefcake calendar. All the Very Fit people in there in Speedos. Danica too, of course. Sell millions. That's a free idea from me to the IRL.

Hornish up to 7th.

Franchitti leads. Let's go to Punchy. Punchy shows what's left of a fried wheel bearing Franchitti roasted in the last practice. Bullet dodged.

Welsh reports Ray Leto says Danica is just settling in. Don't panic. Just getting the feel for it. Lost those six positions but no worries. Rookie sensation Tomas Enge is now behind Danica.

In-car with Kite. No cars in front of him. Looks like a qualifying run. Probably going about 185 mph.

Todd: Danica really has been the strongest driver for Rahal Letterman.

Aside from that whole second-place at Indy from Vitor. Oh and his third place last week. Someone check the points. Vitor higher than Danica? Ah, yeah. He is. Points, schmoints. Danica is hotter!

Video of Kanaan driving around people high on the start like he's on the the interstate. Goodyear says the lack of marbles let him do that. Back to Danica. Harris: "She's showing a lot of patience." Takes a lot of patience to go from second to eighth in five laps. Other female drivers, not that I'd name names, get dissed for putting it into reverse.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Enge in the wall. Car crumpled. In the middle of the track like a carcass. He's slow to get out. Checking out the head. Much grimacing.

Let's go to the replay. Maybe the dreaded "dirty air." Hard to tell. Nice video of an IRL official diving for cover on the outside of the turn. Goodyear: "The IRL official on the outside of the turn knowing what's going to happen, the car coming at him at 200 miles per hour, the IRL official does the smart thing -- runs." Going to need a little underwear clean up out there.

Jamie with Boles. Not sure what happened. Jamie says its the fifth DNF in eight races.

Goodyear says hitting the wall is like "having a thousand chiropractor treatments all at once." Major shout out to Scott for that analogy. Scott is adding value. My viewing experience is (seriously) enhanced.

Pit stops. Danica gets an iso box on TV because she's in 9th or so. ESPN loves 8th and 9th, when Number 16 is in there. Franchitti 7.5; Scheckter 8.5; Danica 9.9. Much chatroom talk last time with allegations that Patrick's father screamed at the R-L pit crew about crap pit stops during the last race. Look for more stories this time. Danica pits in 8th and comes out 12th.

ESPY promo and right back to Danica Cam. Yep, there she is. Danica in her car. That's her helmet. I recognize it anywhere.

Vince with Ray Leto. The only way Leto could get more air time is if he'd put on a blazer and sit in the booth with Scott and Todd. ESPN may owe him some money he's on air so much. Leto may get his own side endorsement deal to wear some company's cap during his 21 on-camera comments.

Over to Kim Green. Complains about Scheckter going below the white line (kidding). Talks about the extreme speed in the pits. Green also may have to move up to the booth so we can have constant commentary from him.

Brian Herta is leading. Herta (AG Stepchild) stayed out. He thought maybe it would be nice to lead a race and this was his shot. Nothing to lose.

Todd Harris: "On board with Tomas Scheckter there is Pam Thompson. Now the name Pam Thompson is a program they have where you can have fan support ... there you see Alex Barron coming in for a stop and go." Pam Thompson is what again? Never finishes the sentence because we are green-green-green. Booth guys need to work on finishing thoughs or coming back to them later. I still wonder who the hell Pam Thompson is.

Herta dropping like a Danica. Sorry. Cheap shot. He's fading fast. Gotta be something in the tires. Gotta be. Danica is like 15th.

Rice accused of blocking Dixon, twice. Major news here is the announcing team says "Dixon" in a non-accident setting for the first time in 2005.

Jamie. Report on Enge. The dreaded lower back pain. Having some X-rays. The IRL is rugged on lower backs.

Briscoe gets air. Goodyear is impressed with him. He may actually finish this race.

Danica is 12th or so. Discussion of the pressure on Danica, the expectations (um, maybe like those put on her by ESPN/ABC). Danica just needs experience before she can win. But keep tuning in. When she's in the back she needs experience. When she's in the front, "could this be the day?"

Firestone commercial says four Firestones propelled Danica "into immortality."

Danica is 10th after 73. Herta is toast. Wheel issues. Way off the pace. Coming in. Booth guys wonder why. Herta is talking about it on his radio but we can't hear over the chattering booth guys.

Danica posts the third fastest lap of the race! Todd has a renewed spirit for life. He now has something to go on living for. Video of Danica blowing by Wheldon. Wheldon got some "dirty air" and had to get out of the throttle. Expect Todd to start peeing any second. Goodyear is helping Todd find his glycerine tablets (for heart attack) in the booth.

Todd: "She may be small in stature but here comes the Danica Express." I been waiting for it. I wonder if he has these things numbered on a sheet somewhere and crosses them off as he uses it. At some point the writers have to come up with some more.

Danica back into the top 10 where she belongs. Danica is showing lots of patience.

Scott accuses Helio of blocking. Say it ain't so! Barnhart don't see a thing.

Pit stops. Kanaan 11.3. Dario 11.3. Danica in 11th on lap 109.

ESPN checks the back of the field, perhaps to compensate for the four hours of coverage they've given the 11th place car. Guess who. Even Quatro gets mentioned. Goodyear mentions rumor that Quatro will try a Busch car. AJ Sr. says "anything with a *&*$#@#@ engine in it would be nice."

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Manning and Kanaan get together. Something broke on Kanaan's right front suspension. Wicked snap and he's into Manning twice and then into the wall. Manning's side pod looks like the remains of a gutted whale.

Kim Green, who is seriously challenging Ray Leto for air time now, says Kanaan hit some debris. The AG cars have the durability of Yugos today.

Danger Mouse is out of the car, looks cheesed. Quickly fixes his hair. Dario has a right rear puncture. Waiting to come in

Back to Danica Cam at lap 123. Yep, there she still is. That's her helmet all right. Danica didn't pit. Of course this means DANICA IS LEADING THE RACE. DANICA IS LEADING THE RACE. She's in P1. Shades of Indy when she stayed out to LEAD THE RACE. This is very Sally Ride-ish moment. I'll remember where I was when Danica led at Nashville by not pitting for the rest of my life.

Todd has popped back into the Danica Hype Mode again. "Does Danica Patrick pick up her fist victory at Nashville?" Will she win after all the Andretti Green cars crash out? Will she beat Jimmy Kite in a sprint to the finish? For God's sake stay tuned!

Green-green-green. Franchitti around Danica in one lap.

Yellow-yellow-yellow for debris. ESPN crews are heaving AA batteries onto the track and praying for rain. No, wait, Briscoe has a flat tire. That's what brought out the flag. A Red Bull car got into him.

Rice pits. He's in 12th. Stick a fork in Buddy this year so far. Uh-oh. Snapped a half shaft. Shut er down, Buddy. Post DNF interview with Buddy. He's not happy. Not even having Jamie interview him can make him happy. Been a long season for Buddy since he got injured at Indy practice.

Restart. Danica is holding off two of the best out there. In this one-line track they're having trouble passing a car that's in the one line. Todd "Danica is showing no mercy" to Hornish. He's being brutal on him. Rugged. Right up until he passed her.

First video of Paul Hospenthal. Sorry, guys, Danica is engaged. Mention of the wedding date. I think they should all be dressed in pit fire suits like they used to back in the day. Back when the bling-encrusted racing wives would run stops watches, etc.

Someone wonders out loud who drives to the grocery store in that family. Todd: "I'd let her, are you kidding me?" I have an idea Paul would let Danica do a lot of stuff. He says Danica has "patience beyond her years."

Looks like rain. Many ESPN interns start doing IndyCar rain dances in the truck. They rush to the side of the track with squirtguns to try and get Brian Barnhart to believe it's raining. Vitor behind Danica. Team orders, anyone? Danica has led NINE LAPS UNDER CAUTION. Amazing. I'll remember where I was when she led forever.

Tomas blows up. Yellow-yellow-yellow. Danica's mom cheers the yellow. YEAH! Scheckter blew up! How lucky. If only he had put it into the wall and scattered debris for a longer caution! Todd jumps in and explains she's happy and not wishing anyone ill.

Pits. Danica in in third, out in 10th. Pit crew rushes to tell Jamie they gave Danica four fresh tires, that's why it was a longer stop than the leaders. On a track where it's hard to pass, you need fresh tires.

"Will this be the night that Danica Patrick sets history?" Todd is fully off his meds now.

Alex Barron does not pit and takes the lead. ALEX BARRON LEADS. Oddly there is less frothing for Alex staying out to get the lead on a pit strategy than there was for the Rookie Sensation.

Todd: "Unfortunately, Danica is 10th." Not unfortunate for everyone in first through ninth. Damn those slow pit stops! If only she had a team worthy of her. We're onboard with Danica. See some tape of Quatro about giving Danica a donut on the side pod. Rookie Sensation Carpentier is also up front.

Barron and Vitor get together. Yellow yellow yellow. I think Vitor took him out on purpose to give Danica a better shot. (Kidding!)

Danica up to 8th. Eddie Cheever gets air. He's doing a rain dance. He's praying for rain on the sideline.

Jamie reports Enge had lower back pain and is on his way to the hospital for more tests.

During yellow Kosuke clips a track safety truck. No video of it, though.

Jamie reminds us quickly Carpentier is not really a rookie. Raced in another series. Pay no attention to the (R) behind his name, I guess. Carpentier radioing in to say it's really really slick on the track. Major slickness. Slick as snot. Scott Sharp (Sir Blocks-A-Lot) is third. Spotters eat Rolaids like candy.

Green-green-green-green. Dario around Carpentier in three laps. There's a shocker. A Honda pasing a non-Penske Toyota. Sam comes around Carpentier as well. Shocker number 2, a Penske Toyota passing a non-Penske Toyota. Carpentier will settle for bronze. Dario wins. Does donuts solo on the track. The other three AGRs don't have cars to do donuts with. I expect Wheldon to go out and just spin himself around in circles on the track. Sam is second. Sharp fourth. Helio fifth.

Dixon sixth! Best finish of the season for him. Previous best was somewhere in the teens if I'm not mistaken. No mention on air. Dixon got his mention of the night when Buddy Rice blocked him earlier. Rookie Sensation Ryan Briscoe is eighth.

Few post-race interviews. Video of the fireworks. Dario has the Jackie Stewart accent in full effect. ESPN has places to be. No mention of Danica getting ANOTHER top-10 finish. No mention of Hurricane Danica. Thanks for making me lose that bet, Todd. He did say "turn the trick" again this week. Todd, baby, we talked about that. That means a prostitute having sex for money, OK?

©2005 Bill Zahren

ABC Sports Execs: "Bring us more chicks."

Note: This is fiction. Just for the record.

In the wake of ratings excitement caused by racer Danica Patrick and golfer Michelle Wie, ABC executives are reportedly on the hunt for "more chicks."

"All I know is Danica wins the pole and ratings for an IRL race on ESPN rocket up," said a corporate executive. "And we got people who used to think 'golf' was a body of water now tuning in to watch Michelle Wie play the big boys. You don't need to hit me over the head twice."

Patrick (5-foot, 100 pounds) created a buzz by qualifying in the first position for the race outside Kansas City on July 3 and was widely credited for drawing a 1.1 rating for the telecast. The rating, the highest ever for an IRL race on ESPN, reportedly caused ABC/ESPN programming officials to "strip naked and dance jubilantly on desks for upwards of 30 minutes." One shocked observer reported the participants danced to a looped track of the Quad City DJ's 1996 hit, "C'mon 'N Ride it (the Train)."

Lyrics refresher:

So pack your bags, come on, get ready, say what?
We're coming through your town
Move your arm up and down
And make that choo choo sound, like this

Ride that choo choo, woo woo... (repeat eight times)

ABC, reportedly "tired as hell" of getting its butt kicked in the sports rating wars and still smarting from the loss of Monday Night Football, has latched on the ratings potential of having slim women taking it to the boys in male-dominated sports.

Danica's success came just in the nick of time. "We weren't sure how much longer we could milk a fourth-place at Indy," the network exec said. "Thank God Danica put her car on the pole. We should get at least five more weeks out of that. And when she wins, well, I think we'll eventually find (ESPN and ABC Sports president) Alex Wallau half hammered from a five-day party in Jamaica and still drinking rum right out of the bottle."

Waiflike 15-year-old Michelle Wie likewise helped drive interest in televised golf to a fevered pitch with her attempt to become the first female in 60 years to make a cut on the men's PGA Tour at the John Deere Classic in Slivis, Ill. Wie missed the cut by two strokes on Friday, however.

"That really stung," said an ABC insider. "First time I've ever seen the guys down in ad sales cry like small children. It was shocking, yet understandable."

Never one to miss a horse worth beating, ABC officials are apparently on the prowl for women to get into other male-dominated sports. Negotiations are underway for US soccer superstar Mia Hamm to kick for the New York Giants this season -- but only during ESPN-televised games. There are also rumors that ABC has identified a 4-foot-11-inch female bowler "who could kick some Pro Bowler Association booty." There were also online rumors that NBC was preparing Serena Williams to enter in the men's tournament at Wimbledon in 2006.

"Never work," said one unconcerned ABC official of the NBC plan. "Serena is too big. Too muscular and a bit man-ish. Now if they could find someone more waiflike to take down three-peat champion Roger Federer, then we'd be talking. Think Bjornette Borg."

In other news, officials at the Milwaukee Mile said they were planning increased security for the July 24 IRL race there. The move came in response to rumors that Ashley Judd, wife of defending champion Dario Franchitti, was "really pissed about all the press Danica's honkin' engagement ring is getting." Officials stressed the extra measures were "merely a precaution against ring-instigated violence."

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Corporate Officials Doze in Skybox as Honda Wins Again

Note: I made this all up. Didn't actually happen. It's for humor purposes only.

A skybox waitress reportedly found all Honda officials fast asleep with 20 laps to go at the Argent 300 at Kansas Speedway on July 3.

Insiders blame the lack of suspense over who would win the race for putting the Honda team asleep. The slumbering Honda execs were a stark contrast to the scene a few skyboxes down where Toyota officials were on the edge of their seats and screaming into cell phones with excitement at a possible seventh-place finish by a non-Penske Toyota-powered car.

Honda eventually finished with seven cars in the top 10, including a first-through-fourth sweep. Target Chip Ganassi Toyota driver Darren Manning managed to secure the prestigious seventh-place finish ahead of a Penske Toyota driven by Helio Castroneves. Manning was carried from his car by jubilant Toyota officials.

"I don't know why we all dozed off," said one Honda official. "Maybe it was because we knew a Honda car was going to win, it was only a matter of which one and if we'd sweep the top 10. Plus, when it was clear (rookie sensation) Danica (Patrick, 5 foot, 100 pounds) wasn't going to win, we kind of lost interest. Personally, I was reading a book and just closed my eyes for a second."

The highest non-Honda in the race was Tomas Scheckter's Chevy Cosworth in fifth. (Chevy has announced it will pull out at the end of the 2005 season. Chevy officials reportedly taped the July 3 race and will watch it later.)

"Our goal right now is to sweep the top 10," a Honda official said. "Even though there are only nine Honda cars in the race, we think we've been so dominate we can get the top 10 places."

Tired of the continuous bitch-slapping from Honda on all horsepower tracks, Toyota has announced it will leave the Indy Racing League at the end of the 2006 season. In reaction, Honda said it wouldn't stay in the league if there were no one to bitch-slap. Honda wants other name-brand manufactures to humiliate and abuse or they'll leave the IRL as well.

"All we're asking is throw us a Ford, maybe a Dodge," said one Honda insider. "Just a couple would be fine. Is that too much to ask? Maybe just glue a blue oval over Scheckter's Chevy emblem or something."

IRL leader Tony George is expected to come out with an engine specification plan for 2007 sometime yet this century. "We're working on it," said Tony who was rumored to be days away from making Michelin the official tire supplier of the IRL. "We've had some interest from Yugo and we also got a nice flyer from Ray's Engine Works in Fort Wayne saying he might be interested in supplying engines."

A dissident faction of the IRL led by AJ Foyt has advocated going old school and letting teams "use any engine we can wedge into the damn frame." Foyt said he has a line on a 454-cubic-inch Chrysler engine he thinks might do the trick. "That som-bitch will pull the wheels of an Indy Car right off the ground," said Foyt. "We'll kick some Honda ass with that engine."

League enthusiast blame a Honda-Toyota research and development spending war for driving the cost of competing in the IRL to insane heights which makes it impossible to compete without Honda or Toyota corporate sponsorship. The result has been a few, well-funded super teams dominating the racing.

"A single-car team without a ton of Honda financing has about as much chance to win on the majority of IRL tracks as I have of becoming pope," said one team owner, "and I'm not even Catholic." League officials expect to rule on the "engine situation" sometime before 2009.

In other news, Kansas Speedway officials have reacted to a controversy about racing below the white line on their track apron by announcing they'd replace the apron with a moat in early 2006.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Notes from the 2005 Argent Mortgage Indy 300 (Kansas)

Notes taken during the ESPN broadcast of the Argent Mortgage Indy 300 from Kansas Speedway on 7/3/05.

In case you missed the opening, I can summarize: Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica Patrick, Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica Patrick.

OK, kidding a little. It wasn't as All-Danica All the Time as I thought it would be. Todd Harris opens the show with "Win a pole you're famous for a day; win a race you're famous for life." Then, he pulls out the big guns, "Not since Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz have we seen such a whirlwind surrounding the fortunes of a daring young woman in Kansas."

The ESPN writers are clearly taking it up yet another notch. Danica in her X-men shades. Danica should sell those on her site. Very distinctive. She represents on the keys to victory: This is a momentum track. Need to get through traffic quickly. All about momentum.

Somewhere in there I remember seeing Jamie Little (put her in a car!) in between Danica's mom and Danica's fiance (she inserted the obligatory "Sorry, guys, she's engaged.") Reminded me of the Cingular bars. Think about it. My tape cut out though and I was distracted, so I'm not sure what they said. I think Jamie asked the fiance if Danica was nervous this morning.

Dan Wheldon starting 13th. Not happy with the 13th.

Over to Jamie and Doug Boles. Replay of Boles' "WE GOT SCREWED" reaction at Richmond last week to Enge getting blacked. Scheckter with a helmet-on interview. Back to Boles. Jamie says he "hotly disputed" the Richmond blacking. Boles said he had a sit-down with Brian and understand his position. Wonders why the black wasn't flying a little more often for others.

Ganassi Richmond Recap. Three cars. $360,000 in damages. Lots of red scrap metal. In-car, helmet on interview with Manning. Darren says he "knew we were in for a bit of telling off." Chippy wasn't pleased.

Punchy throws it back to Goodyear and Todd Harris and says "I know you'll keep an eye on them." I'm sure Todd will, if they're in the top five, anywhere near Danica or in the wall, that is.

First mention of "Danica Patrick, Rookie Sensation." She's the pole sitter. Video of Wheldon about dragging his fuel tank down pit row last year.

Eddie Cheever interview! Clearly the ESPN guys are trying to spread the spotlight around and not just focus on the daring young woman in Kansas. Jamie: (I'm paraphrasing) Big track, can Red Bull stay on the lead lap? Eddie: Superspeedway. Different deal than Richmond. Both guys are happy with their cars. Eddie observes we "got 20 guys chasing one girl." Eddie has Danica Fever as well.
98 degrees on pit row. Dr. Punchy (or Todd, I'm fuzzy on which it was) says it's about to get "warner."

Green-Green-Green. Rice passes Danica. Ruh-roe, Danica is fading fast. She's back to 3rd, 4th, 5th in the first three laps. Scheckter almost dusts Rice. Much groaning. Now Rice is fading as well. Rahal in Reverse. Not sure why. We're deploying the pit reporters.

Onboard with Danica. Something on Danica's pit radio about fourth gear not working right. Use 5th. We got gear issues. Danica 10th now. Many frowny faces in the ESPN control center. Jamie has been deployed to Danica's pit.

Buddy has tire problems. Tire pressure. He's a little cheesed at Scheckter getting close enough to shake hands.

Danica is now 11th. Commercial. The first of many times I hear the Argent commercial. The voice-over talent is a friend of mine. I swear to God. Her name is Jennifer. She can make grown men pee just by speaking French to them. But, I digress.

Dario and Scheckter side by side. Scheckter leads. Lap 18, Danica is up to 9th. I look for Todd to get excited.

Jimmy Kite is now going four miles per hour slower than everyone. Attention please, will all non-Penske Toyota's please move to the back of the pack? Attention, all Toyotas. Please move to the rear of the race. Thank you.

Rookie Sensation Tomas Enge, fresh from the "screwing" last week, is now 7th after starting 12th.

Wait a second, ABC runs down the top 10 by showing each car and saying something about it. Moving right down the line. The TOP 10! Might be the first time ABC/ESPN has mentioned an 8th-place, non-Danica car this season, maybe ever. I dig it a lot.

Helio passes Danica. Danica passes Helio back. Scheckter laps Kite on lap 40. Jimmy is going around 176 mph now, I swear. He may be thinking about parking it and getting his Craftsman truck out. The truck may go faster.

Todd: Danica is 9th, can she move up? Find out after this commercial break.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Roger Yasukawa butt-first into the wall. Looked to be by himself. The Dreaded Dirty Air got him. Whoever had Roger in the First Out pool wins a black flag autographed by Brian Barnhart. (Kidding, of course). It's been a long road for DRR since Sarah Fisher became the first woman to win a pole in the IRL (Kentucky 2002) driving a DRR Infiniti car. Sarah lead the first 26 laps. Finished 8th. Not that I'd bring it up.

Second time I hear the Argent ad with my personal friend, Jennifer, talking. They should let her do it in French. It would touch off a monsterous surge in Argent mortgage demand.

I thought I glimpsed Danica about drive up Helio's butt. No mention of it. Dennis Reinbold interview. Jamie: What happened? Lost the back end. Had to switch engines before the race because their engine was sounding bizarre. I suspect DRR gets the factory-second Hondas. I have no confirmation on this. As Jamie throws it back to the booth, she mentions that DRR has had 6 DNFs in 8 starts. Cold.

Reports that Herta is overheating. The car, that is. Andretti says it's fine now. Other reports that he's hacked that he's the trailing AG car once again. Andretti says he's not sure why. I gotta go with Herta on this one. He must get the leftovers or something. Third at Indy, but Danny was first. Sheee-it.

Let's go to Scott Remke of Rahal Letterman to find out why the RL cars have deployed the boat anchor. Scott says we were out in front until we got pushed into the grass (I knew someone cheated!). Working on it. Tweaking the car.

We got Danica pit video. Todd sets it up by saying in advance that it wasn't Danica's fault. Let's go to the video. Danica fish-tails out of the pit box. An IRL official about craps his pants as he dances out of the way. She almost pulled a Scheckter and flipped it around into the pit wall. Traction control was off and so the burnout got dicey. Apparently it wasn't Danica's fault since the her engineer failed to remind her the traction control was off.

Right here (lap 63) Todd Harris said something about "turn the same trick" at Kansas. Todd, buddy, can we retire the whole "turn the trick" stuff? It's slang for a prostitute "conducting business," OK? Just stop saying it. As a favor to me.

Lap 65, Danica is 10th. Dixon (possibly Manning) behind Sharp, who is weaving like a prize fighter. Sharp isn't afraid to run multiple lines out there.

Scheckter has Hornish behind him, outside high. Shades of Texas. Todd pronounces it a "formation as tight as the Blue Angles."

Lap 78. Danica 9th. Rookie Sensation Tomas Enge is 5th. Lap 85, Danica 10th. Fuel conservation talk. Scheckter is not interested in saving fuel. I wouldn't be shocked if Scheckter ripped the fuel knob off and threw it out of the cockpit.

Lap 92. Patrick 10th. Rookie Sensation Tomas Enge is 4th. Now 3rd. The race is on a torrid pace. Half done in about 40 minutes. People in the beer line at Kansas Speedway are like, "WTF?" This ain't no NASCAR race, baby.

Todd declares that Danica is a comfortable 9th. Got 100 laps to go. It's doable (so don't touch that dial).

Sharp and Danica about touch. ESPN poll: Will Danica win? 54% say yes. Indy mention. Keep hope alive.

Hornish is loose. Loose as a goose. Nobody drives a bad car better than Hornish, but it's clear Penske don't got it today.

We're onboard with Danica. Sets a new record for the most air time for a ninth-place car. Stick a fork in Helio. He's done. 10th is his neighborhood for this one. Toyota can't make it happen on the big tracks.

Dr. Punchy says maybe the "Bow Tie Boys (Chevy) can get a win on America's birthday."

Pitting. I wonder right here if the guy with the water gun who sprays the fueling hole as the car takes off practices. They should have a contest. Toss a target up in the air and see which water gun guy can hit it. I bet those guys could give you a drink as you ran past the pit. BAM.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Briscoe in the grass. Something happened on pit out. Bad news he's done. Good news is the car is not in the wall. Chippy with Jamie: "This kid is going to be a good race driver if I can ever get him to the end of a race." Says maybe the clutch blew or something.

Scheckter stops. Helio in and has a long stop. Commercial. Third time I hear Jennifer.

Green-green-green. Commercial. Scheckter passes TK during the side-by-side.

75 to go. Scheckter has a moment. A "Depends Moment" as Goodyear calls it. Got majorly wiggly on the track. Much soiled underwear in the 4 car.

Danica is 14th. Kosuke goes by Danica. Danica is pronounced "not comfortable." Manning makes no room for The Hot One. Kosuke is spraying something out the back. Like a crop duster out there. Looks like one of the trucks that sprays for mosquitoes, leaving a fine mist behind him. It could just be smoke.

Booth announcers are all up on Kosuke for not pulling off. Barnhart deploys the yellow. Barnes yells "WE GOT SCREWED!" (Made that up).

Danica is 15th. Lap 138. Interview John Ward. Says Kosuke got on the apron, thought he got power back, got out on the track, figured out she was going, got off the track again. Seems reasonable to me. Simmer down up there, Todd and Scott. At least they interviewed Kosuke's people, rather than just pronouncing him a punk and moving on (which they did to Roger Yasukawa last race when him and Manning got sideways).

Scheckter goes below the line. All tires below the line. Mike Andretti goes ape shit. Let's get a report on what up with Danica. Ray Leto says they gave her bad pit stops. Everyone is so evenly matched that it's hard to get around people. Harris seconds the "bad pit stop" thing. Danica: victim.

Fifth time I hear my friend Jennifer. Mike Andretti feels that Scheckter went below the white line. Mike didn't see Tony Kanaan coming down on Scheckter to force him down there. During a re-start Tony definitely chopped down on Scheckter. OK, it's real possible Tony didn't see him down there since they both went around a Red Bull car. But still, no reason to get freaked. Maybe Scheckter should have held his position and caused them both go end-over-end down the track. Andretti would have been OK with that, apparently.

35 to go. Sharp in lead pack. Many spotters experience angina.

Todd gets excited that Danica has a teammate in front of her (Vitor. Remember Vitor? Best RL driver this year. Second at Indy. Ringing any bells?)

Todd to Goodyear: "Why has the car come back to her?" This is an excellent question. This is maybe Todd's best question of the season. This is a question I, the viewer, would like to know. Too bad Goodyear never answers. Got distracted by something. So, you know, I guess Danica found a gear or something. Who knows?

Danica 8th. Danica 5th! Todd Harris starts to get excited. Danica will pit sometime in the early 190s. Danica 4th!

Danica is 3rd. Todd: "Danica Patrick is making some noise!" She made a perfect move just there. "Talk about composure for a 23-year-old!" "Can she work the magic in the pits?" Danica does her own pit stops now, apparently. Out. 9th. Costly pit stops cited. I guess the pit stops caused her to go from first to 9th in a hurry at the start of the race. 9th is it for her.

Wheldon and Kanaan got the two-wide thing going all the way to the end. Goodyear makes the right call, "Vitor is out of luck." No way either AGR car backs off, so it's the apron or marbles for Vitor. He goes down on the apron and gets third.

Let's go to the AGR pit. Kim Green, first thing he says, is "I'm disappointed in two other drivers who went below the white line quite often. To me, that's a penalty." Guy just got first and second and he's bawling about the white line. Come on, Kim.

Danica out of the car. Disappointment. Interview Tony. Says "the bigger nose won." Line of the race.

Jamie has Danica: Hard fought. Start on the pole with the target on your back. Dancia: "On the start, nothing I coulda done. It was foot to the floor." 4th an 5th gears were a little screwy. "I was flat on the power and there's nothing more as a driver you can do than that." Lost a lot of time in the pits. Dropped back. Would have been nice to finish up front. Jamie goes right back to the old standby: "Look at how beautiful this girl is after 200 laps!"

I wasn't going to say it, but I just gotta. Danica is having trouble with the racing part of it.

Scheckter interview. White line controversy. Scheckter not impressed with AGR's complaints. Says maybe some people shouldn't push people down below the white line. Wasn't going to lift when Tony came down on him on the restart, so he went onto the apron. White line controversy rages.

Vitor (the forgotten RL guy) says he dove down on the apron because it was his only shot. Wouldn't have counted, of course.

Sharp interview. 4 top 7 finishes. Sharp is looking happy. The days in the Pig Kelley Car are long gone, apparently. Jamie talks to Dan. He says he loves Tony to bits. Loves him more than anyone, with the possible exception of Tony's wife.

Shocking ending: AGR 1 & 2. Hondas top 4.

Tomas "White Line" Scheckter sticks Chevy in there for fourth. Big shout out to Danger Mouse for being the top Toyota in 7th ahead of Helio and Sam. No mention from the booth. Top Toyota should get some kind of mini trophy. Dixon is 18th. Not so good. Red Bulls 13th and 14th. Herta 15th.

© 2005 Bill Zahren