Notes from the 2006 Indianapolis 500

Notes taken during the ABC broadcast of the Indy 500 on May 28, 2006.

pressdog's beer of the race is the German St. Pauli Girl, in honor of them sponsoring Danica's mirrors.

Legends montage. Dig it. First mention of Danica is at the 2:22 mark.

Up to Brent Musburger and Rusty Wallace. Rusty says he never felt this much excitement in his life.

Brent -- Danica flashback. One year ago. Danica montage to American Woman. In-car radio of Danica saying she came pretty darn close to winning last year.

Punch with Danica -- Patience is the key. No stupid moves. Stay in the race. Race hundreds of hundreds of laps an screw up and lose it. (Indy is only 200 laps long. I think she meant "miles.") Long race, driver with the fewest mistakes wins the race.

Penske Twins montage. ABC is all about the montages. Sam and Helio. Sam says he wants to finish all 500 miles first. Helio is 2 for 5 at Indy. Helio -- Respect the place. Have patience. Always finish the race.

Target Chippy montage. Jamie with Dan Wheldon who is sporting the big white shades again. Gotta be a sponsorship deal. Chippy and Scott Dixon are there as well. Wheldon says as long as one of the Chippy Twins wins it, who cares which one it is.

We're gonig to a commercial. Stay tuned for the Andretti montage, the Unser montage, and another Danica montage.

How big is the speedway -- Yankee Stadium. Bristol Motor Speedway. Madison Square Gardon, Rose Bowl, Roman Coliseum, Churchill Downs all fit into the infield of IMS.

Musburger with Lance Armstrong. Lance is the pace car driver. Lance could probably turn some pace laps on his bike. Musburger asks Lance if he's considering racing. No, Lance says. He has three kids. He's not going to do something as psychotic as go 220 in a car any time soon. Sha. Insanity. Lance says Johnny Rutherford in the pace car has to realize that Lance is nervous and has his hands full keeping it out of the wall.

Andretti montage. Mike is trying again. Mario says Indy is huge. Many great champions never won it. Video of Mike throwing a rod in 1992 and losing the race. Andretti is 0-14 at Indy. Mario wants a 1-2 Marco Mike finish.

Let's go to Vince with Mike and Marco. Marco says he's never been so nervous in his entire life. I like the kid. He's just honest about it all. Video of Mario and Arie Luyendyk Sr. talking. AJ is not there so there is no bitchslapping.

Danica is declared "probably the most beloved driver in the field" which leads us into Danica Montage II. Danica explains she likes to look like a girl. Says her FHM photo shoot was 3.5 years ago when she had no boyfriend, wasn't married and needed a sponsor. Fair enough. Likes to be a tough race driver and be a little pretty.

Punch with Mr. Danica, Paul Hospenthal. Says he doesn't get that nervous when she races. Trusts her and the drivers. Says Danica's mom and family members get nervous enough for all of them. Shout out to Paul for a nice interview. Handled it well.

I am INDY montage. Musberger says there are 300,000 plus in the stands. Some of them are disguised as aluminum bleachers.

Indy history montage.

Foyt. Mears. Rutherford. Musburger introduces some past winners. Then intros drivers row by row. Is Wheldon wearing silver racing shoes? Or just very white? Looked sliver to me. I checked the tape. Gotta be silver.

Starting lineup: Sam Hornish Jr., Helio Castroneves, Dan Wheldon, Scott Dixon, Tony Kannan, Vitor "Dark Horse" Meira, Kosuke Matsuura, Scott "Lookin' " Sharp, Marco Andretti, Danica Patrick, Tomas Scheckter, Ed Carpenter, Michael Andretti, Buddy Rice, Townsend Bell, Bryan "World of" Herta, Dario Franchitti, Max Papis, Eddie Cheever Jr., P.J. Chesson, Felipe Giaffone, Jeff Bucknum, Larry Foyt, Jacques Lazier, Buddy Lazier, Jeff "No Relation to Gene" Simmons, Al Unser Jr., Roger Yasukawa, Airton Dare, Stephan Gregoire, Arie Luyendyk Jr., P.J. Jones, Thiago Medeiros.

W.L. Sagle of Emporia, VA gets a shout out. 59th consecutive Indy 500. Been coming since he was 17 years old in 1948. Video of him and his posse in the stands.

Little Al Montage. Famous "You just don't know what Indy means" quote from victory lane after win number 1. Little Al says he was trying to replace the Indy rush with "wine women and song." Says missing qualifying with Penske in 1995 was crushing. 1996 split came and each May roll by and work on Al. "Pretty soon I didn't have nothing inside me, nothing." July 2002 gets busted in Indianapolis for domestic abuse. Waking up in the jail was "hitting bottom."

Rusty on Al: Al is ready. Incredibly focused. Just hope his car is as good as he is.

Down to the ethanol pit. Jeff Simmons. Got the In Memory of Paul Dana sticker on the car. Jeff has dedicated the race to the memory of Paul who dreamed of racing here. Dana was instrumental in getting the league to transition from methanol to ethanol in the next year.

Flyover. Killer video from Chopper Cam.

National athem. Little Al looks farklempt. Taps. Shout out to the uncredited horn guy who blew taps. Who-aah! Jam Master Jimmy Jam Nabors sings back home again in Indiania. Mari Hulman George let's 'er rip -- "Princess and Gentlemen, start your engines." Kidding. She said "Lady and gentlemen ..." I kid Danica because she's tough and yet pretty.

Up to Marty Ried, Scotty Goodyear and Rusty Wallace in the booth. Booth peeps say Turn1, Lap 1 is key. Most dangerous in all of racing. Rusty declares this is the most excitement he's ever seen in his entire life. Rusty puts attendence at 400,000. The whole place is "amped up and ready to rock and roll." Marty jumps in and puts attendance at 300,000.

90 degrees at Indy today. 140 degrees in the cockpit. When you're up front in the three-wide during the start, the view is great, Goodyear says. In the back, not so good. Mainly you see a lot of dirt and crap. We're on board with Lance. He's all about it. Lance gets radio traffic from Brian Barnhard to hold it under 110. Easy, Lance. Barnhard might give you a stop and go penalty. We're not trying to qualify, although 110 might put it in the show some years.

Let's light this candle. Green-green-green.

Turn 1 -- Hornish leads. Danny Wheldon quick off the start.

Yellow yellow yellow -- Jeff Bucknum gets into PJ Chesson. Lap 2. Done deal. Rusty was concerned that someone would roll it. You and about 1.4 million watching, Rusty. Marty points out that the national anthem lasted longer than Bucknum's and PJ's race. That's kind of cold, Marty.

Let's get our ears on -- Rusty busts out the CB to talk to Scott Sharp. You got us buddy? Car is a little tight. Got some feedback. Viewing is enhanced.

Danica is 15th, running her race.

Lap 7. Green-green-green.

Wheldon tries on Helio. Down to Vince with PJ. PJ says Bucknum got low and spun into me. Real shame. PJ goes home with a tattoo and 33rd place.

Rice and Danica make a Bell sandwitch. T. Bell: Make a run for the border.

Lap 9. Wheldon leads. Hornish second. Rusty reminds us that Sam spun by himself in last day of practice. Got a lot of concerns about Hornish's car. Not sure how that fits, since Hornish spun in his backup.

Andretti 9 and 10. Down to Jamie. No idea what she said. Cars are too loud in the background. Sounded like she was giving her report from the pit board area.

Jerry -- Tony Kanaan is playing the waiting game. Very patient.

Jack Arute -- Helio people say he's laying low. Lying in the weeds. Staying patient.

I think we're lapping cars by Lap 12, even with the yellow.

Lap 12 -- Copter cam. Shows some of the 300,000 at the race must be at the beer tent or in the can because they look a lot like empty seats.

Lap 17. Wheldon, Hornish, Helio. Danica 14th. Hunkered down. Helio is having issues.

Kanaan goes between Sam and Gregoire.

Rusty: "He just knife-edged that hot rode through the center there." (Hot Rod reference number 1.)

Lap 25-- Wheldon, Hornish, Kanaan, Miera, Scheckter, Marco, Dixon, Mike Andretti, Helio, Kosuke.

Marco passes Scheckter. Marco puts two wheels below the white line to get around Medeiros. Had to lift a little as Mederios was swerving. Marco gives him an Andretti gesture. No bird flipped, but just a "What the hell are you doing?" hand up in the air. I think Medeiros is about 8 laps down by now.

Herta into pits. He's in 26th. No reason given for the stop. Wheldon leads Hornish by 8 seconds.

Lap 35. Helio is 15th. Major issues. Marco 4th.

Lap 36 -- Danica pits. 11.2 seconds. Marco in. Jamie is in his pit. Reminds everyone of Marco's trouble busting the half shalfs.

Lap 38 -- Kanaan leads. Kanaan and Hornish pit. No changes for Tony. 11.8 seconds.

Lap 39 -- Danica 10th. 14 on the lead lap now. Medeiros is now actually 15 laps down by lap 39. Not so good. Must be in the pits.

Lap 40 --Mederios and his Car of Many Colors are done for the day.

Dan leads by 11.4 seconds.

Danica Secret commercial wherein she blows away several males (some of whom look to be about 10 years old) in succession in a simulator game. At the end, Al Unser Sr. gets into the simulator and says, "I'll show you how it's done" and Danica says, "Let's see what you got, Al." The camera loves Danica, you gotta give her that.

Michael reports that all his lights are on on his steering wheel. It's like Christmas. His steering wheel is goofy. Doesn't know when to shift (since the RMP lights are not working). Scott says it's a glitch and he's going to be OK. No telemetry back to the pit though would be bad. Scott to Rusty -- That would make it like you guys, just calculating in fuel mileage in your head. First of several pops on NASCAR from Scotty.

Lap 50 -- Wheldon, Hornish, Kanaan, Dixon, Scheckter, Marco, Mike, Dario, Vitor, Danica.

Lap 52, lapped through 13th place. Marco gets loose! Dramatic in-car of Marco getting a little fish-tail-ish.

Lap 56. On board with Danica. Dan is 13 seconds in front of Hornish. May be steering with his knees at this point. Wheldon is putting a bitchslapping on the field. Now ahead by 13.9 seconds. Has lapped through 11th. Vitor is next then Danica.

Lap 67-ish. Yellow Yellow Yellow. Danica gets a break! She was about to be lapped. We got Scheckter ass-around into the attenuator. Tomas is out of the car but now he's taking a seat. We got debris in the grandstands.

Slow mo shows Jacques Lazier hitting debris the size of a rear wing. It's sitting dead center in the track like a dead deer and he Jacques right into it and it flies like a helicopter blade into the stands.

Pits are open. Dan, Scott Dixon, Hornish coming in. We're promised a split screen deal. Nope. Not going to happen.

Danica was about to be lapped "got a heck of a break" says Rusty.

Jamie is deployed. She said the fan that got hit appears to be OK. Getting checked out. Laughing and joking as he leaves. "You know he's enjoying his time here," Jamie says of the fan. That was before, presumably, he got darted with debris.

Lap 71. Danica 8th. Last car on the lead lap. Marco 6th. Scheckter has a knee injury.

Lap 75 -- Wheldon, Dixon, Kanaan, Hornish, Dario, Marco, Mike, Danica, Helio, Sharp.

Restart during side-by-side lap 76ish. Commercial features a series of kids in helmets saying "I want a ride." For a second I thought it was an illustration of how IRL drivers get into the Indy 500 -- going around to random people asking for cash to get a ride. But it's a Honda CRS commercial instead. My mistake.

Lap 77. Restart. Wheldon comes on the radio and says "See-ya!" (Kidding)

Lap 78. Helio short pit to get back on the lead lap. I can't hear what Jack the Root is saying because he must be standing on the track. Too much noise in the background. I did hear the end of the segment when Jack gets really close to the mic and says something dramatic like "the Firestone Firehawks LOOKED GOOD."

Down to Vince who has the recently wrecked Tomas. Tomas said the car was "soop-pah." Said he got really low trying to go through so many back markers. Passing the same people every four laps. (People who, it should be noted, are still in the race and yet Tomas isn't.) Tomas said he had a good car, presumably right up until he put it into the wall.

82 -- Andretti's are 6 and 7. Danica 7th. Getting quicker. Jerry says watch out for Danica. Booth boys are all about Danica and her brute speed lately. "The track is coming to her." She's going 217. Someone wake up the queen. Danica is rocking. The booth peeps are on fire. Todd Harris is screaming "RACING'S SALLY RIDE" from the top of the pagoda.

Wheldon is leaning it back a little now. He's less than five minutes in front of everyone. I think he's just coasting for entire corners to save fuel.

Dixon is making his ass ultra wide on lap 89 to "defend against" Hornish. "Defending his position" I think is the current euphamism for blocking.

Rusty is very impressed with Marco. Says Michael is covering his back side like a wingman.

Lap 94. Video of Wheldon lapping people. Shocker. Andrettis are 7 and 8. Jamie informs us this is the fourth father-son duo to race Indy.

Lap 100 -- Wheldon, Dixon, Hornish, Kanaan, Danica, Dario, Marco, Michael, Bell, Scott Sharp.

Helio pits. Had to due to the previous short pit. There was much concern about drebris in the radiator, but they find nothing.

Jerry says pits are telling Wheldon to go to P4 on fuel settings and smoke 'em if he's got 'em to save some ruel.

Jerry says Danica is turning leader-esque laps. The booth buys are on fire about Danica. Rusty says don't rule her out. Hold the phone, Danica just got passed by Andretti (Marco, I think). Speculation that Danica may be running out of fuel.

Lap 108. Danica in to the pit. Jerry reminds us that last year she stalled it. She's in and out in 12.5 seconds. Jerry says it's a great stop. Great stops are more like 10, Jerry.

Wheldon in. 10.1. (That's a great stop, Jerry.)

Dixon in. 9.9

Marco in. No half shalf issues this time. He's 3-for-3 on stops without busting the half shaft. Boy, bust a couple half shafts and they never let you forget it.

Wheldon takes the lead.

Lap 111. Yellow Yellow Yellow. Buddy Rice and Helio got together. Let's go to the replay. Helio goes under Rice and Rice pinches down on him and it's wall city for those two. First DNF for Helio in 6 Indys.

Musburger says Danica is showing her 500 skill just like last year. Lake last year, she's doing a slow march up the field, crashing into the top 10. Don't touch that dial. Copter Cam shows massive sections of gray around the track. Disappointing.

Lap 117. Race summary. Musburger says Danica is stalking the leaders. Little Al is moving up.

Down to Buddy. Was just trying to stay alive out there. Had been burning up the rear tire. Got checked up behind some slower cars. (Those damn back markers! Scheckter knows what we're talking about. Who lets them into this race, anyway? Oh, wait.) Turned into 4 and didn't even know he was there. Holy Sleeping Spotter!

Down to David Letterman. Jerry asks David what a Danica win would mean to life on the planet. Says the history of Danica's career is "transcendent." Winning this event would be much bigger than just winning the event. Turn everything upside down, and talk about the girl to pull it off.

Promo for NBA Finals. Everyone is on the edge of their seats for that. Video of old players people actually knew. Today, not so much. June 8. Mark your calendars.

Jamie -- Mike had a black steering wheel. No lights. Now it's back on. The reset button must have worked or something. TV plays audio from Mike telling his pit to tell Marco to stay out of the "freaking snuf (?). He's getting crap all over his tires."

Vince with Helio -- What happenend? Helio -- I didn't know. Had the momentum to pass Buddy all of a sudden just came down on me. Started pretty good. Got loose. Tried to be patient. Will root for Sam now.

Wheldon leads. Prize money in 1911 was $14,250. In 2006 it's $10 million. Winner gets $1.5 million.

Lap 123 -- green green green.

Cars blow through the oil dry and Dixon in second gets a major face full of the stuff. Dixon says screw that and takes over the lead at lap 125.

Top four cars are GONE. Hornish in second. Jerry -- Wheldon isn't having problems. Just conserving fuel. Dixon got one-quarter turn of wing last stop. Much psychological benefit.

Report that all fans in the area of the debris are OK. Here's hoping the track doctor cleared them to resume drinking.

Sam 3rd. Dixon second. Sam's spotter is Rick Mears. Four time winner. We're not worthy.

Wheldon leads. Townsend Bell makes it three-wide even though he's a lap down. Much changing of the leader here. Now Hornish leads. (Lap 130). Hornish's last lap was 219.

"Flat-out, hot-rod racing and right now it's hot out there." -- Rusty.

Danica 6th and 6.5 seconds back. Going to need a miracle. Marco is working on her. Danica is being ultra patient. Reminder that fuel last year cost Danica the victory. (That or her stalling it in the pit or spining under yellow. It was one of those things.)

Little Al still moving up. My DRR homies get a shout out for tweaking the car continuously.

Lap 142. Hornish lapping people (again, what a shocker to see the leaders lapping people).

Jack -- Hornish raced go karts against the likes of one Danica Patrick. Thank you for that Danica tie in, Jack. You're always there for us.

Pitting coming up. Danica will come in soon. Her mileage is crappy. Danica in. 11.6 seconds. Danica out.

Yellow yellow yellow.

Al Unser Jr is into the wall. Replays show him losing it in the corner. "You're just a passenger at that point" Rusty says.

Goodyear says the car was "nervous." Says it about five times. "Nervous"

We got circus music in the pit. Jeff Simmons leaves early with the fuel hose still attached. We got a fueler down. We got a fueler down in the ethanol pit. Looks like he'll be OK. Sitting up.

Over to Jack who says methanol is a renewable resource. Not last time I looked, since it is made out of non-renewable natural gas. What's ethanol made of? Jack pulls out an ear of corn. "Lots and lots of this stuff." Beauty. This year the cars run on 90% methanol and 10% ethanol. Jack points out that everyone can get gas with 10% ethanol in it right now! Jack uses it all the time in his personal vehicle! (So does the pressdog!) Look for E10 where you fill up. Good for all cars made after 1980ish. Next year the IRL goes to 100% fuel-grade ethanol. Jack's looking for a car that runs on E100. (So is the pressdog, although E100 cars [which don't exist outside of Indy] are a bitch to start in the winter.)

Lap 150 -- Wheldon, Hornish, Dixon, Kanaan, Dario, Marco, Mike, Danica, Max Papis (?) Vitor

Pit cycling. Dan, Sam and Scott Dixon all in.

Hornish leaves early! Hornish takes off before the fuel buckeye was out. We got fuelers down. Shredded fuel hose. Water being thrown. Hornish stops and someone gets the fuel nozel out of his car so he can get out of there. Jack concludes, based on his extreme knowledge of the situation, that "Emotion came into play and Hornish pulled out too soon" because Hornish saw Wheldon coming out. Jack can apparently read Sam's mind and has decided what happened already. Very helpful. (Except, um, later Penske said it was his fault and he told Sam to go via radio before the fueler was out.)

Video replays of Little Al's crash. Shows Simmons coming out over the grass while leaving the pits. Stuff flies off his car (or gets knocked sideways by his car) and DARTS Little Al. Then when Al went into the corner something busted. Sucks to be Al. Later there was talk that that when Simmons left the pit with part of the fuel hose still attached, those parts came off and darted Little Al.

Simmons under caution puts it in the wall. I think he had parts missing. We got extendo yellow.

Video replays of Hornish. Rusty and Goodyear argue about when he should have gone. Ultra-alert crew member gets fuel nozzel out of Sam's car so he can get out of there.

Down to Team Chippy who is phoning up the refs asking for a penalty for Sam. "We been getting nit picked all day by the race director (Barnhart) and the owner in the Penske pit (that would be Roger)." Chip just wanted to make sure they are aware of what happened. "When you leave the pit with equipment attached, it's a penalty."

Did he put the fuel thing out before he went onto the track? Big question.

Lap 157. Brian "Iron Hand of Justice" Barnhart rules that Sam and Townsend Bell who both shredded fuel hoses have to come in for a drive through on the first green lap. Simmons too, but he went into the wall so he'd have to have a drag through penalty and what's the point of that?

Hornish comes in on yellow and tops off. Shades of Danica topping off before her drive through last year.

167 -- Green-green-green. Bell and Sam into the pit for their drive throughs. Bell ass-ends Sam going down pit lane. What the? No damage to Sam, apparently. But Bell has to park it. Chip demands Sam get a penalty for being in Bell's way. (I made that up.) Hornish nearly lights the tires coming out of the pits. He needs to stay on the lead lap to have a shot. Chip demands Hornish get a penalty for accessive acceleration.

Danica 6th. Marco 4th. Down to Jerry who says Tony is being patient.

Dixon warned for blocking! The Iron Hand of Justice is calling them tight today.

Danica 6th. Right in here it would have been cool to see the track position guide thing that ABC was using all the time earlier to see where Sam was in relationship to the field, but no.

174 -- Dixon black flagged for blocking. Drive through penalty. Barnhart is kicking some ass today! Chip cries zebra and it comes on back around.

Jerry. Brian sent someone down to Chip's pit to let them know they had video of Dixon blocking so they wouldn't have a major hissy fit.

Lap 175 -- Wheldon, Tony, Marco, Dario, Danica, Dixon, Mike, Hornish, Carpenter (!) , Sharp.

Marco will need a splash-and-go on Lap 196.

Dario complaining (shocking, I know) about Ed blocking him. Attention all drivers. Please move immediately up into the marbles and let Dario through. Thank you.

Danica coming in for fuel in mid-180s.

Sam -- no more stops needed. Penske tells him to open it up and go full rich.

18 to go. Wheldon and Kanaan both have to pit. Sam is lurking. Lap 183. Danica in. 8.2 second stop. Wheldon in for an 8.5 secons stop. Will it be enough? Stay tuned.

Wheldon gets twitchy in the marbles. Almost! We got 13 to go.

Marco in. 10 to go. Yellow yellow yellow. Felipe into the wall. Danica is hating life. She just pitted before the yellow. Would have needed green to make a charge up front. Sam is loving it because it allows for the bunching up of the pack and creating some 75-mph laps so he for sure does not have to pit again.

Graphic of people who led late and lost. Goodyear is on there twice. 1995 led at lap 195 and finished 14th and 1997 led at lap 194 and got second. Goodyear "A list I could do without being on." Shows a good sense of humor about it. Second at Indy does not suck. Unless your Vitor, then it doesn't so much suck as become invisible.

Firestone Firehawk In-Race commercial. The Root gives it to us. Talks about rubber from the tires filling the grooves in the track. Ends with the dramatic reading, "there's rubber on the road and RUBBER ON THE TRACK."

Kanaan and Dario in. Mike leads. An Andretti is leading the Indy 500. Look for lightning. Dario beats Kanaan out.

193. Mike and Marco are 1 and 2. Then Dixon and then Hornish. Jamie deployed to Mario's pit. Mario looks like he may have a heart attack. Jamie asks Mario who is more nervous of the three. "I'll let you know in a couple of laps."

Four to go. Buckle up, because we are green, green. Herta is in the second spot behind Michael. He's really in about 20th place and 12 laps down or something. Marco around him quick. Sam around Dixon and then Herta like he's going around two traffic cones. Chip demands a penalty for discourteous passing. Full afterburner mode on the Penske machine. You can almost see the Batmobile-like flames coming out the ass end of it.

Marco around Mike to lead on lap 198. Crowd freaks out. Hornish is driving like he's enraged. He's around Mike before Mike could even "defend his position."

Two to go. In-car from Marco shows Sam going low on turn three. HOLY SHIT, Sam stuck his nose under there and had to get out of it or it was wall city for them both. Nearly had the big one. Sam experiences major momentum loss.

One to go. The kid may win it. Rusty says he thinks Marco is going to hold on. Your worst nightmare is Hornish behind you on the last lap of the Indy 500, though. Hornish is flying through the corners. He's a freak through turn two. Chased Marco down by the apex of three. Right up on Marco's ass coming out of four. It's like a cheetah cashing an antelope, a Porsche closing on a Honda Accord. Down the back stretch. Marco swerves, high, low, "defending his line" as Sam is about four inches off his ass.

SAM GOES LOW. SLING SHOT IN EFFECT. HORNISH AT THE LINE. Fist up as he crosses.

Hornish wins. Hornish wins. Hornish wins. Much fist pumping. Hornish's last lap was an freakish 219.935 mph. Marco did 214.643 on this last lap and couldn't hold him off. Sam lets out a "All RIGHT!" on his in-car radio. Easy Sam, there are kids watching. He gets a "You're a hell of a man," back from the pits.

Rusty -- "This is the most exciting Daytona -- er, Indy 500 ever!" Rusty later -- "I don't think I've ever been this excited in my entire life." Welcome to open-wheel racing, buddy. Where the flags are green and racing is to the wire.

I don't think Hornish did any victory donuts. Imagine that. No donuts. Wheldon would have done donuts, pitted for new tires, and then did some more donuts.

Down to Jamie with Rookie Sensation Marco Andretti. Marco says he could have went for the hip check block but that could have dusted them both. "Defended my line" once but Sam was all about it. Said he didn't know where Sam got all that speed on the last lap.

Hornish in victory lane. Swigs the milk. Dumps it on his head. Throws it on the crowd. Gives props to his team. "We stuck together as a team and had a good plan and were fast when we needed it." Gives thanks to God for his ability and "not so much what I can do as a driver but the fact that I didn't give up and kept coming back here." Thanks also for his parents and wife. Gives props to Marco. No matter what happened he should be really proud. It's a great feeling, wouldn't trade it for anything else. Sam is all class.

The Root goes for the tears bringing up any recently dead relatives or pets he can think of. I bet Jack could name you the most recently dead relative of everyone in the field.

Over to Vince with Mike Andretti. Didn't have the car to win. Two more caution laps maybe hold him off. Marco had a run on him so he decided not to block his own son. Wished he could have blocked Hornish but he was around him before he knew what was what.

Over to Danica. She got 8th. Says she had the 8th place car today. Said she was chewing up tires. Must have used up my luck last year. What about Marco? He was fast. Did a good job. Props to Danica for running a good race. I thought she drove better this year than last year.

Vince is with Chip. Chip thinks the black was bogus. Pulled the trigger a little bit early on that one. Questionable call, Chip says.

Jack with Roger Penske. Gives all the props to Sam. Last four laps he had a good car. When the green flag dropped, he was the driver. Penske says he screwed up and told Sam to go before the fueler was done.

Dan Wheldon -- we had a fun-tastic car today. It got away from us. Had a cut tire forced him to pit. Knew he was screwed if they got a yellow.

Rusty gives props to Penske for his "I tell you want" excellent top-off strategy.

Lap 200. Hornish, Marco, Mike, Wheldon, Kanaan, Dixon, Dario, Danica, Sharp, Vitor. Ten cars finish on the lead lap.

Drink one for Sammy.

Hornish “Outburst” Stuns Indy Garage Area

Note to the humorless: all of this is made up.

An uncharacteristic outburst from Indy 500 pole sitter Sam Hornish, Jr. caused a stunned silence in the Indy 500 garage area Wednesday.

“I think maybe the pressure of being on the pole at Indy is wearing on him," said Buster Jarsma, a mechanic for Dreyer and Reinbold Racing. “You could have heard a pin drop after Sam went off.”

According to several witnesses, Hornish accidentally knocked several wrenches off a bench and said, “"Gosh darn it!”" sharply. The garage area immediately came to a stunned silence. One woman who was walking with her 5-year-old daughter within 20 feet from Hornish the time clasp her hands over the child's ears and quickly hustled her away.

“"I mean, we get Dario in here busting off on his team all the time and nobody even gives it a second look,”" said Jarsma, "“but when Sam drops the 'darn it’' bomb, well, that got everyone'’s attention. Everyone looked at each other and said, ‘Was that Sam? What the f*ck?' ”"

Representatives for Team Penske said there was no truth to the rumor that Hornish also said "hell" at one point last week. Several people reported that Hornish pumped his fist twice and smiled for upwards of seven seconds after learning he won the Indy 500 pole.

"It was quite an outburst, I must say," said one fan who estimated Hornish's celebrated openly for about 18-seconds. "What can we expect if he wins it? A medium-sized 'woo-hoo!' or something way out there like, 'This is pretty darn nifty!' " Indy 500 broadcaster ABC was said to be mulling a five-second delay just to guard against any further "Hornish craziness."

In other news, the fact that IRL Rookie of the Year Sensation Danica Patrick (5' 2", 100 pounds) qualified in tenth stirred speculation that the ABC broadcasting crew wouldn't make their first reference to Danica until around the 17-second mark of the broadcast. Going into qualifications, Vegas oddsmakers put the first "Danica" reference at inside 10 seconds.

2006 Champ Car World Series Tecate Grand Prix from Monterrey

Notes taken during the SPEED broadcast of the race in Monterrey on 5/21/06.

It's "Bump Day" at Indy so naturally all the drivers who should be bumping their way into the race are now in Monterrey, Mexico. Welcome to the Bridgestone Presents the Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford (BPCCWSPB) from Monterrey.

Broadcast starts with an ode to the mechanics. Rick Benjamin hails the Champ as "the most technologically advanced cars on the planet" (someone break it to F1). (Note: alert reader John below posts that Rick said "the most technologically advanced cars on the continent" so it was a slap at the Indy Racing League but not F1. I stand corrected. Although I've seen some really nice winged sprint cars that maybe Rick is overlooking.) It's a 185 mph festival of speed.

Rick and Jan Beekhus in the booth. Talking about Justin Wilson and Sebastien Bourdais going at it. In a shocking development, Bourdais has won the pole. We see some video of Bourdais going off the course into the dirt during practice. Yes, folks, he is human. We swear. There are all kinds of reasons to watch this race start to finish!

Cameron "Man of" Steele with AJ "the Lone American" Allmendinger. AJ hopes maybe Wilson and Bourdais will dart each other in turn 1 and then AJ will have a shot. That's what it's going to take, AJ.

Over to Bill Stephens with Mario Dominguez. Mario is like a god in Mexico. Mario wants to give all the beautiful people in Mexico a good result. Bill declares that if Mario wins there will be a "party of Biblical proportions" in Mexico. They partied DOWN in the Bible, baby. One big party. So buckle up!

Speed Shop segment. Anna Chatten the gear box builder for team Australia. Anna's father was a motorcycle racer who bought Anna and her sibs go-karts which they promptly raced. An example for fathers everywhere. Word, Anna.

Starting order: Bourdais, Wilson, AJ, Bruno "Hardware Store In My Back" Junqueria, Paul Tracy, Alex "Stuck Throttle" Tagliani, Oriol Servia, Mario, Will Power, Charles Zwolsman, Jan Heylen, Christiano "What's" Da Matta, Andrew "Lone" Ranger, Speedy Dan Clarke, Nelson Pastorelli, Bridgestone Presents the Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford Rookie Sensation (BPCCWSPBRS) Katherine Legge.

Katherine Legge is mentioned for the first time while running down the grid at 9:21 into the broadcast. BPCCWSPB again refuses to fixate on Katherine. Shout out to whoever is making that call. It's refreshing compared to the Danica Fest.

Dominguez has visor cam! Mildly interesting. Later in the race it will become unviewable. Wilson is sporting the roll-bar cam while Zwolsman had the Ass Cam under his car's rear end.

Cameron talks about a segment that shows the Champ Cars getting major air off the curbs. Dukes of Hazzard stuff. You can almost hear the crew chiefs weeping in the background. It's very hot in Mexico today. Stay hydrated. Hydration is key.

Let's light this candle. Green-green-green.

Lap 1, turn 1 -- We're through it. Nobody rolls it! Wait a second, Nelson got darted. His left front is sticking up as if giving the finger to the crowd as he drives around to the pit.

Lap 7. Jan reports Wilson is saving fuel. There are no stinking fuel mix settings inside a Champ Car, so you have to save fuel the old fashioned way and lift early going into corners. Saving fuel with Bourdais behind you takes a set, I gotta think.

Bourdais engineer Greg Hampson, the Super Optimist, declares that Bourdais has no chance to win. Kidding. He didn't really make that declaration. He's almost always doubtful Bourdais can win, though. Maybe that's just for the benefit of the other teams. Greg says fuel mileage is key. Big pit windows here, but you want to go a lap farther than the other guy so you can pit without losing a position. Hampson says it's the same for everyone. Make fuel mileage.

Houston recap of Bourdais coming from fifth. Includes Dominguez brain lock that let Bourdais take the lead.

Lap 5 -- Legge spins. Just setting up her Spin and Win. She was up to 13th, spun and is now in 16th. Didn't stall it, though. Reports "the tires are going off."

Servia vs. Dominguez for 7th gets major air.

Lap 16 -- Bourdais is 1 second in front. Bourdais has 18 wins in 47 Champ Car starts. That's a bitchslapping. Claire Cam is activated! Claire Bourdais gets air.

Review of Bourdais and Tracy smacking each other in Monterrey last year.

Neil Mickelwright (Tracy's pit boss) says the car is better. Getting reasonable mileage and it's as fast as the leader. They'll just hang out and wait and see what's up. Tracy does a power slide through a turn. Shades of dirt tracking!

Lap 19 -- Dominguez reports getting loos.

Lap 23 -- AJ Humdinger is in third. Dominguez is 8th. Oriol is 7th.

Holy Black Flag! Nicky gets blacked for BLOCKING Speedy Dan. What the? Blocking? Jan says after the Houston Block Party, the drivers all asked Champ Car race boss if he'd actually enforce the blocking rules. Unanimous request by all drivers to give drive-throughs to blockers. I wonder if that's just back in the pack when it doesn't effect the lead. Or, recognizing that Bourdais is going to continue to smack down on the field and maybe win every race, at least they can keep him from blocking to boot.

Drive-through penalty for Nicky. Camera follows Nicky in his Drive of Shame down pit lane.

Montage of Speedy Dan and Katherine battling in Houston and elsewhere. And again in practice. No love lost. Or, maybe it's one of those deals where they dig each other and show it by smacking each other around. Who knows.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Lap 24 for debris.

Everybody pits. Wilson out first. Wilson out first. BOURDAIS DOES NOT LEAD. Bourdais is not leading this race. Media alerted. The queen has been woken up. frech protesters flood the streets of Paris. BOURDAIS lost the lead. Cameron with Jeremy Dale, president of RuSPORT. Claims Wilson did not short fill and beat Bourdais out of the pits fair and square.

AJ is second! Bourdais goes wide into the grass and Humdinger goes into second. Now BOURDAIS HAS BEEN PASSED ON THE TRACK AND IS THIRD. Clerics fear this is a sign of the apocalypse.

PT around Junk. Pass and re-pass. Ru-roh. Jan askes "Why is Junqueria in the middle of the road?" on the replay. Because he's throwing a Block Party for Tracy. Sure enough, Bruno is black flagged. The Iron Hand of Justice is coming down at race control! I'll be convinced when a blocking call effects the lead.

In-race Ford segment (commercial) featuring the tricked out Ford Mustangs they use for their pace cars. Ford woman says we "have professional female drivers." I gotta get me one of them (the Mustang, not the professional female driver).

Dominguez helmet cam. Nothing. It's like looking through a broken Coke bottle. Dominguez has cameras on the roll bars. He's carrying more cameras than an ESPN intern.

Bill with Brian Lisles, GM for Newman Haas. Disputing Bruno's blocking penalty.

Lap 35. Zwolsman's Ass Cam activated. Bruno does his penalty and is up to 12th.

Bourdais on black tires running down AJ. Cue the Jaws music. AJ is reporting some break issues. Bill says everyone had break issues in the last few days.

Half-way recap. Shows Bourdais getting two tires into the dirt on the restart and losing a spot on the track to AJ. All of Europe is still in denial that Bourdais got passed in the pits AND on the track in one race. Bourdais is third now.

Lap 43-ish. A battle between Heylen, Pastorelli and Legge gets major air.

Lap 47. Bourdais is virtually on top of AJ. Reminds me of how a Cheetah is virtually on top of an antelope before it's all over.

Jan relates a store of how he went 55 in the left lane of the interstate just to get used to having mirrors full of angry people. This explains a lot, actually. Someone should have hip-checked him out of there. Rick asks if he did that in Florida. I chortled. Shout out to Rick for the line. (Florida just won the honor of most rude drivers in a national survey.)

Let's go to Bill with Craig the Optimist in Bourdais' pit. Craig says Bourdais cannot win. (I made that up again.) He says some lapped traffic blocked Bourdais on the restart. It will be tough to win now. Craig thinks it is tough to win when you are in front by five seconds with one lap to go as well. Speedy Dan Clarke is accused of being in the way on the restart. Let's go to the replay. Sorry, ajan says, Speedy Dan moved over. AJ just shot inside Bourdais who took the dirt for some reason. Simmer down, Craig. Speedy was falsely accused on that one.

Lap 49 -- Junk pits. Zwolsman Ass Cam activated. We get a great shot of the bottom bit of left rear as it's put on. Sort of.

AJ pits. Bourdais into second. The planets begin to realign. Dominguez also passes AJ to get up to third place.

Wilson in on lap 56. Bourdais takes over the lead. Angry crowds melt away in Paris. Say goodbye. Wilson gets black tires. Is out in 9.8. Mario in. Out in 10.5. Bourdais in. Gets reds. Out in 8.9. Holy Flamin' Pit Stop. Bourdais onto the track in front of Wilson, barely. Wilson closes and is trying to make a move on Bourdais while the tires are cold. Not going to happen.

20 to go. Bourdais closing on Legge in 13th. Bourdais goes outside Legge who moves over to give him room. Bourdais responds by getting a major twitch. Looked like it shocked him to have her move over and give him room. Jan about pees himself in the booth. An opening for Wilson! Too bad he's about a second back at this point. Jan has to breathe into a bag for a second.

On lap 59, Champ Car Web site Race Director notes report that Tracy's drink system was spraying him. Pit crew radios out to Paul to rip it out of his helmet.

Lap 62. Zwolsman and Powers battle for 10th. Plenty of Ass Cam coverage.

Lap 64. Speedy Dan and Katherine get air. Battle for 13th. Dan has a run on her but Katherine says Welcome to My Block Party! Major blockage. Jan and Rick agree the booth is going to give that a major review. Given how they treat Katherine as just another racer (incredible, I know), I expect her to get the hammer.

7 to go. Bill said when Bourdais pitted he was on fumes.

Replay of Tag going into the tire barrier at Houston at about 93 mph. Throttle stuck. Scary. He's OK though. Bullet dodged.

Legge black flagged. Drive through penalty.

Today is Derrick Walker's 250th birthday. No, wait, it's his 250th start in Champ Car. Jan/Rick reports Walker was out for a run in the Mexican heat the other day, so he could probably kick my butt at whatever age he is.

6 to go. Zwolsman and Will Power are still battling, causing them to both go across the infield. It's like they are racing across the infield, two-wide. Then get back on the track just in time for Powers to about dart Bourdais. Much butt puckering in the booth. Could have been nasty. Will Power and Zwolsman are rampaging two-wide. Hide the women and children.

4 to go. Jan reports Newman Hass practices pit stops by using a air cannon to fire a car across their shop with some guy in it who hits the breaks to simulate a car coming in to pit. Best time is 5.8 seconds. Smoking.

2 to go. Bill with Craig Hampson who says due to that near miss, Bourdais probably cannot win this race, although he is currently in first place. (Made it up again.) Craig said we almost had a disaster when the Dukes of Hazzard came across the infield and almost darted Bourdais. "Guys need to use their mirrors." They may also need to use their heads. I think maybe guys need to stay on the actual paved track.

Carl Russo in the pits. Final fuel stop for Justin was a lap earlier than Sebastian and Sebastian had a better fuel strategy. Then Carl says about 10 words that I didn't get. Shout outs or pomos to someone.

Legge is sideways in turn 5 on the last lap. Stalled. Rick busts out a "Lady Katherine Legge" reference just for the occasion. Not her best race.

Bourdais wins! Hampson is in shock. No, really, he says he's really pleased with the win. He thinks Bourdais had "a few choice French words in the cockpit" when Will almost darted him.

Hat Trick for Bourdais. Due to the lack of yellows, SPEED has time to interview virtually everyone except Paul Tracy and Katherine Legge. Most said they did as well as their car could do. Bruno thinks his penalty is nutty especially after you had people running into each other in Houston. Good point. Maybe if they start calling fouls there won't be as much punting. Imagine that.

Finish -- Bourdais (shocker!) Wilson, AJ, Tracy, Tag, Mario, Lone Ranger, Oriol, Christiano, Bruno. Legge is 15th. Not the highest finish of a woman in Champ Car history. Bourdais' next victory comes at Milwaukee in two weeks. It's an oval. The similarity between "oval" and "ovulate" is so tempting I can't hardly resist, but I will.

Some bonus coverage of the Indy 500 qualifying day on Saturday:

I went to indycar. com to watch the live scoring for qualifying day. Here's the action summarized:

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Anti-violence groups warn against televising Indy 500 practices

Note to the slow among you: this is all made up. Fictional.

Leaders of anti-violence groups today issued a terse warning against televising any of the Indy 500 practice sessions.

"Given the level of ass-kicking the Penske Twins are putting on the field, it's safe to say any televising of practice would bring immediate FCC scrutiny," said Chester McClinkengard of the Coalition to Stop Televised Violence.

The reaction came Thursday after Penske drivers Sam Hornish, Jr. and Helio Castroneves once again topped the speed charts during Indy practice. Hornish has been the fastest driver in every practice session so far.

On Thursday, Hornish posted a top speed of 224.951 mph while Castroneves posted a top speed of 224.437 mph. The closest competitor to Hornish and Castroneves was Dan Wheldon at 222.616 mph, more than two miles per hour slower than Hornish.

"What can you say? It's a major bitchslapping," said Jason DeMarcini of the Commission Against Televised Humiliation. "That is definitely nothing I want my kids to see on TV when they come home from school."

Castroneves and Hornish declined to comment on their performance. Penske insiders reported that he team was determined to "kick some major attenuator" in retailiation for two years of slap down while they were stuck with Toyota engines (known around the garages as "TRD Boat Anchors.")

In other news, rumors circulated that former ABC race announcer Todd Harris was escorted from the Indianapolis Motor Speedway for screaming "PENSKE PERFECT" repeatedly at a drink stand just behind the pagoda.

Notes from the CCWS Grand Prix of Houston 2006

Notes taken during the SPEED TV telecast of the ChampCar World Series Grand Prix of Huston on 5/13/06.

Welcome to Houston for the 2006 Bridgestone Presents The Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford (BPCCWSPF). This event is held at "Reliant Park" according to the officail line, but it's really at "Reliant Park-ing Lot." It's on the parking lot between Reliant Park and the AstroDome, complete with a chicane of orange cones.

Early controversy when Sebastien Bourdais dissed the course as very bumpy. Bucking broncoville. After qualifications, organizers shortened the race from 115 laps to 100 to make sure it fit into the 2-hour TV window. Hey, two hours is all Kevin Kalkhoven can afford, OK? Simmer down and be glad you get 100.

Telecast starts with a replay of Race 1, Turn 1 wherein most the contenders crashed so the race was over about 20 seconds after it started. They even busted out the Super Slow Mo Replays.

In an interesting strategy, nobody has mentioned Bridgestone Presents The Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford Rookie Sensation (BPCCWSPFRS) Katherine "Show Some" Legge and we're several minutes into the broadcast. Over in the IRL they'd be busting into double figures on the number of times "Danica" was mentioned within the first five minutes.

Rick Benjamin: You cut the anticipation with a knife and the eyes of Texas are upon the four punted from the first race -- Oriol, Bruno, AJ, Paul. Props to Rick for getting two cliches into into one paragraph.

Mario is your pole sitter. Down to Cameron Steele with Mario. Tears of joy where flowing when Mario found out that Bourdais got DQed from qualifying. Absolutely no mention of why Bourdais' fast time got tossed out. That's none of your business, race fans.

Jon Beekhus breaks the race down -- bumps, car reliability, driver fitness, slim passing chances, taking advantage of unforced errors.

Let's go down to Paul Tracy -- Paul says making it thorugh the first corner is key. Get out there, get some points. Paul has just signed for five more years with Forsythe. Five more years in a CCWS car. Raise your hand if you think CCWS will be around in its current form in five years. Merger, anyone?

Big question: Can Bourdais win from row three? Almost as big as: do bears shit in the woods?

Down to Bill Stephens with Bourdais. Struggled in final practice? Bourdais said no. Everything was great. No worries. Finishes the interview and gets a kiss from the new wife, Claire.

More allusion to Bourdais getting his first qualifying time tossed out but, again, no reason for it given. Maybe Bourdais is a cheater cheater pumpkin eater. Maybe he was smugglinc coke in his fuel tanks. I guess we don't get to know. Reminder that last year Bourdais came from 10th to win in Edmonton. No reminder that Bourdais has put a bitchslapping on the field for two years in a row, but then again none is needed.

Let's go to Michelle Beisner ane her cowboy hat for some viewing-enhancing segments on non-race stuff that's going on. Michelle is on a mechanical bull. She has her guns out again. She is highly tanned. Her teeth are incredibly white and straight. The hair is highly blonde. Fabulous. Then Michelle gets bucked off the bull and hits the mat. She's down. We have a spokesmodel down. But she continues with the report. Michelle says "I'm your back-stage pass!"

Rick runs down the starting grid: Mario Dominguez, Bruno “No Indy for Me” Junqueira, Paul “Just Say No to Fenders” Tracy, A. J. “The Lone American" Allmendinger, Sebastien “Why Aren’t I In the Front Row?” Bourdais, Alex Tagliani, Justin Wilson, Oriol Servia, Nelson Philippe, Will Power, Charles Zwolsman, Speedy Dan Clarke, Andrew “Lone” Ranger, Cristiano “What’s” da Matta, Katherine Legge, Nicky Pastorelli, Jan Heylen.

At 11:47 into the broadcast (I timed it) is the first mention of Katherine Legge and that came only when they ran down the starting grid. 11:47! Those crazy Champ Car people are treating Katherine like she's a rookie or something. That's insane.

Let's light this candle. Green-green-green.

Single file into the turn one just to avoid the nuttiness from last race. So the race actually starts some where around turn three. Justin Wilson makes the first of what will be about 13 drives through the orange-cone chicane.

We got drebris on the track. A piece of red-and-white debris. Difficult to say who it belongs to since we have 12 red-and-white cars in the race. Note to Champ Car, bet some new color schemes.

Bourdais into fourth.

The piece of wing on the course used to belong to Oriol. He's staying out. He don't need no stinkin' front half wing.

Let's go to a pit reporter. But wait, the booth can't hear the pit reporter talking so Rick talks over him. Crazy.

Helmet Cam! Perhaps the least valuable camera angle ever devised. We can see how Paul Tracy is getting his ass kicked by the bumps. Video from Zwolsman's car that shows he, too, is getting an ass kicking from the rough track. Major steering wheel whippage.

Bourdais into second. Move over Paul Tracy. Dominguez is now four seconds ahead of Bourais.

Jan Heylen into a drive off area. Sonny's Barbeque car is cooked. Appeared to be stalled, but then he whips it around nicely and comes back out.

Speedy Dan Clarke into the tires. He was into the tires more often than a Michelin salesman at Long Beach. Video of Tracy hipchecking Speedy Dan into the wall with authority in practice. Dan says Tracy "hit my front wheel and knocked me into the wall." From what the announcers say, I think Clarke's real name is "Speedy Dan."

We got break problems on the #11 (Heylen). He's pitting. They're smacking on something in the front end.

Dominguez drove through the chicane (shocker) and is getting a one-second penalty. That'll teach him when he's about five seconds ahead.

SPEED TV has gone to the innovative strategy of filling all but about a third of the screen with graphics so you can't see much racing. Drop down a bunch of driver stats that cover about half the screen. My viewing is enhanced by having graphics in the way of the actual race.

Nicky into the run off. Missed the corner and went over and under two othe cars like he was part of the Thunderbirds F-16 stunt team. Props for not hitting anyone.

No Katherine Legge mention since the opening grid rundown. Huh? Go figure. It could be she's a rookie and not worthy of a mention right at this point in the race. Do ya think? Novel concept.

Right on cue, the annoucners mention that Kath is 13th on Lap 27. She finished 8th at Long Beach, the highest finish ever for a woman in Champ Car. I think Rick was instructed to say "the highest finish ever for a woman in Champ Car" every time he mentions Legge's Long Beach finish becuase he says it about every time. He has retired, thankfully, "Lady Katherine Legge" at least for this race.

Dominguez is out in front by 5 seconds. That chicane-running penalty is kicking his ass! Legge tries to go under Da Matta. What the? Ballsy move to make it 2 1/2 wide at one point. Dominguez short cuts the chicane again. Bourdais is right up on Mario adn then takes him on the inside. BAM. Televised pass for the lead.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Not sure why. None of my business, because nobody ever really says why it is full-course. Debris, maybe. Maybe because Bourdais just passed for the lead. "Oh shit, Bob, throw a yellow or that's the last we'll see of Sebastien." I'm just speculating.

Under yellow, Mario is back in the lead for some reason. Rick and Jan say Bourdais should be first. So Bourdais pulls out to pass and Mario takes a swerve at him. Kind of a "why, I oughta ..." moment It may be go time! Bourdais engineer Craig Hampson has the "WTF?" look on his face.

There's a piece of wing on the track. Mario lets Bourdais go into the lead. Here Jan goes into some largely incomprehensible explanation of how pit positions are assigned. No idea what he's talking about.

Cameron down with Neil Mickelwright (or is it Nickelwright? My "M" sometimes looks like an "N" on my notes and I'm too lazy to go back to the tape). Said Tracy got caught up with some back markers. Go to an overhead shot of Mario and Bourdais swapping paint right after the yellow. Very NASCARish.

Leaders pitting. Bourdais takes about five minutes in the pit. Mario beats him out to regain the lead. Bill is fully deployed to get to the bottom of Mario's 12-second pit. Says it's an "emotional rollercoaster down here." Dogs and cats living together!

Michelle Biesner! She's in the boxing ring this time. Thursday night Fight Night in Houston. "Welcome to the gun show, baby!" She gives a flex of the tan guns. Then she knocks Jeff the camera man out. We got a cameraman down.

Let's go to Michelle for the Ford commercial. Safety crew uses Fords. Why? Because they have no choice. Somebody has to pay the bills, and Ford is willing, so you use the F150 and shut up about it. OK? (Note to Ford: Love your products. I own two myself. Everyone should rush out and buy a Ford.)

Restart waved off during the commercial. Thank you Race Driector. Although I couldn't get my driver audio to work through Race Director on the Champ Car site. Major bummer. I wanted to listen to Katherine Legge. I dig the accent. Mario might have jumped the restart. No mention of this on the air.

Green Green Green. Yellow Yellow Yellow. Jan and Nicky get together. Nicky punted Jan.

Bill into the pit holding up the actual piece of concrete that Bourdais' car broke when the jack went down. That might be worth a buck-fifty on ebay. Newman Haas is going to do some construction on the pit here shortly. Bust out the jack hammers.

Hold the phone, we got Justin Wilson spin-o-rama in the chicane. Cones flying everywhere. Why doesn't he just drive through it like everyone else?

Legge into the tires! Pandamonium breaking out all voer the course. Katherine was 8th at Long Beach. Rick tells us that was the best finish for a woman in Champ Car history. You don't say. Speedy Dan totally punted her into the tires. Speared by a fellow Brit. That's ice cold. Katherine is on the radio saying Danny should be parked since he was 15 laps down and stuck his nose under Legge.

Down to Bill with Carl Russo. Says AJ has a strategy for the car. He's up to 4th and looking good. Justin has had a heck of a race when he's not putting people into the tires. Russo claims Wilson got popped on lap 1. Says the whole idea is to "bring technology forward fast." That's an award winner for best use of a sponsor reference in an interview. Props for that, Carl.

Legge into the pit without her back wing. They'll slap a new one on there and get her back out for some laps.

Restart. Green green green. Bourdais is on the red tires. Allegations that Bourdais didn't like the reds.

Welcome to the block party! Bourdais puts a big block on Tracy. NFL-worthy block job. I'm sure he'll get a stern talking to for that. When they teach blocking in Race Official School just bust out that tape because that was textbook. Race control will crack down and issue a strongly worded statement that he better not do that more than twice more or there's going to be trouble, mister.

Let's go down to Neil (M)Nickelwright, Tracy's pit boss. Says it looked like a block to him. Paul thinks he's been getting multiple blocks. Tracy thinks Bourdais is blocking. There's a newsflash. Official word comes down. Bourdais is getting warned for blocking. That'll show him!

Jan Beekhus thinks it's OK to look the other way on blocking. Hey, the track is bumpy! And it might effect the outcome of the race if they enforce the rules, so give them a freeby.

SPEED continues to enhance my viewing experience by covering two-thirds of the screen with graphics.

Lap 52. Legge still in the pit. She may be drinking a beer while they work on her car. Maybe watching a DVD. It's taking a while to get the back wing back on. Gotta replace the mounts, I guess. They want to get her back out for some "seat time."

Craig Hampson -- Bourdais is content to stay in second and try to fend off Tracy.

Bruno and AJ get together on lap 63. Much fish-tailing but they save it. Major Dukes of Hazzard driving there. Somebody put a horn on AJ's car so he can play the first few notes of "Dixie" when that kind of stuff goes down. Wait until you see him use the half-wrecked bridge to jump Cripple Creek. Yeeeeee-haaaaaa.

This is the kind of race Darrick Walker calls a "Nicker Twister." Use that at random times this week.

Holy Brain Freeze. Lap 67 and Mario overruns a turn. Locks them up tight and goes into the run off. Bourdais has to be thinking "wedding present." Mario was 2.5 seconds ahead of Bourdais and had a major mental melt down. Does a nice job of whipping the car around in the run off and coming back out in 4th. He got back on the track just in time to see Bourdais waving goodbye.

Will Power locks up his brakes tight and gets into Zwolsman who gets driven into the wall like someone getting checked in hockey. Somebody should call boarding on that deal. Front end is a mangled mess. There have been more lock ups in this race than therere is on new prisoner day at San Quentin. Zwolsman is out and really would like to gesture to Will. Power was coming out of the pit and darted Zwolsman. Not good.

While they clean up the mess, let's go Michelle Beisner for a viewing-enhancing segment. She's playing beach volleyball. Fabulous. But while all the other players are in bikini's, Beisner is not. What the? Golden opportunity, Michelle, to show off more than the guns.

Tracy Helmet Cam. Tremendous viewing enhancement. If you squint and look sideways you can almost see his steering wheel. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Paul, because Bourdais' car's ass is going to get about 12 feet wide.

28 to go. Clock should be up soon. Let's go to Zwolsman's in-car camera which is a stunning view of what it looks like to be on the hook. Carbon fiber festively mangled and dangling. Striking.

Video montage of Bourdais' wedding on May 6 in LeMans, France. His new wife, Claire, is looking good. KK and Newman are in the hizz-ouse. Didn't see Tony George there. The couple jetted right from LeMans to Houston.

Cameron -- With the Zwolsonator. Will Power locked them up tight and collected me.

Will gets a drive-through penalty for avoidable contact. Legge radios in "What about the wanker who put me in the tyres?" (Kidding. Made that up. But I imagine she was pissed.)

Green-green-green. Big jump for Bourdais. 23 laps to go. Bourdais up by a second. Lone Ranger sends Will Power through the chicane. The chicane has been driven through more times than a McDonald's at noon.

Tagliani and Oriol get together in said chicane. More chicanery! Oriol is toast. Drops the F-bomb right on cable via radio communication with his pit! ".. completely slow down in the middle of the race line like he had a problem an then he turned the fucking corner." I checked the tape. The FCC may give SPEED a call. Or not. NBC or CBS would be majorly bunched up right about now, but since we're on cable, no biggy. Jan says Oriol went into the corner late. No foul on Tag.

10 to go. Haas and Newman get air. Haas has the jumbo cigar in full effect. Looks like a bratwurst. Claire Bourdais gets air! She's got a notebook to do up some notes for Bourdais' site. Maybe she could guest write something for the pressdog. I'd love it.

Heylen drives through the chicane. That makes about 45 drive throughs so far. If they didn't put that in there in at the last moment we'd have carbon firber everywhere.

The clock is up. Second straight timed race for Champ Car. Craig Hampson in Bourdais' pit is the one who tells us the clock is up since the announcers didn't notice it. Nice. Put Craig up in the booth. Craig says we'll have maybe one lap of green before it's over. Say good night, Paul Tracy.

Tag loses his brakes and rolls into a runoff going about 87 mph and takes out a camera cable. He's through about five sets of tires. Nasty.

Green-green-green. Bourdais gets a big jump. Everyone "is on the button" but Tracy is toast.

Bourdais wins. Does donuts. Give the Champ Car drivers props for the best donuts in racing. Way better than those IRL donuts. Fireworks from on top of the old Astrodome. Celebration in the pit. Paul Newman is smiling. Yes, he's grinning. I have it on tape. Control yourself, Paul.

Let's go down to Bourdais -- "We had a fun-tastic car." Props to SPEED for diving right in to ask about the block. Bourdais said he was trying to "defend without blocking." Ah. That clears it up. Bourdais says he got darted by Mario who was also "defending his position."

Finishing order -- Bourdais, Tracy, Mario, Nelson, Justin Wilson, Lone Ranger, Power, Allen, AJ Humdinger, What's Da Matta, Junqueria, Tag-You're It, Oriol, Heylen, Legge, Zwolsman, Speedy Dan, Pastronelli.

Over to Tracy -- Says every person Bourdais passed gave him room, but Bourdais didn't return the favor. Claims Bourdais came off his line and blocked him.

Bourdais does a Castroneves and climbs the fence.

Down to Mario -- what up with the brain freeze? Mario says he was trying to save fuel so he didn't get get on the breaks until a bit too late and then just blew the corner.

Close up of Justin Wilson's blistered hands. Owie.

Bourdays sprays a grid girl right in the face with champagne. Point-blank range. That had to hurt but she didn't even move. Watch it there, Sebastien, you'll put an eye out.

IRL Announces Partnership with eBay

Note: is humor. It is not true. I made it all up.

The Indy Racing League today announced a marketing partnership with eBay that would "take Indy 500 field-filling to a new level."

"In our continuing effort to broaden the appeal of the Indy Racing League, we've created an alliance with eBay that will let more people than ever before bid for rides in the Indianapolis 500," said Marty Certoffilov, Director of Innovative Marketing (DIM) for the IRL.

Certoffilov also said the IRL would add a section to its Web site called "MyIRLRide." There fans/drivers can access a form titled "Make us an offer." Fans/drivers could then enter a bid for one of the eight or so remaining spots in the Indy 500 field.

"I would say, candidly, if you don't have a million dollars don't even bother," said Certoffilov, who noted eBay has waved all feels for the ride bidding in return for prominent space on a car sidepod and an five autographed photos of Rookie of the Year Sensation Danica Patrick (5'2", 100 pounds). Rumors that the deal also required Indy 500 TV announcers say "eBay" at least half as often as "Danica" during the broadcast (which could add up to hundreds of "eBay" references) could not be confirmed.

"Bottom line is, we have to fill these cars," said Certoffilov. "They're not going to fill themselves. These second-weekend qualifiers can't finish five laps down on their own, so we need some warm, cash-laden bodies in here, pronto."

Certoffilov said a precipitous decline in the nation's "rich daddy" population and a growing number of drivers who actually think they should get paid to drive forced the IRL to look for new ways to attract cash. Honda, the IRL's only engine supplier, said it would do its part by lowering engine lease fees from "you have to be huffing paint to think you can afford this" to "just slightly above what you could every possibly hope to pay."

As for pit crews for the field-fillers, Certoffilov said plans were underway to "send a couple of pickups by the local lumber super center to pick up a dozen or so 'day laborers' " on the morning of the race.

In other news, gamblers in Las Vegas have established betting lines for how long Sebastien Bourdais stays within sight of second place during weekend's Bridgestone Presents the Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford (BPCCWSPF) race in Houston.

As of May 4, the smart money seemed to be on Bourdais being out of sight by lap 7 and lapping all but two cars by the end of the race. Gamblers were uncertain if Bourdais could actually lap himself.