Notes from the Argent Mortgage Indy Grand Prix at Infineon 2005

Notes taken and observations made during the ESPN broadcast of the Argent Mortgage Indy Grand Prix and Infineon on 8/28/05.

First, a Female Rookie Sensation Roundup:

Not much action this week. Rookie Sensations Sarah Fisher and Erin Crocker didn't race. Rookie Sensation Katherine Legge started fourth and finished fourth at the Toyota Atlantic race in Montreal.

ESPN opens with pit reporters and Scott Goodyear stationed around Infineon to point out some of the features of the track we'll see over and over today. 16-story climb, yada yada. Nice shot of Jamie in her pit suit with white shoes.

Video of Dario going ass-around during qualifying. Right here, if ESPN wanted to make it interesting, they'd have interviewed Dario's crew chief who would then, on camera, bitch out Dario for being "unacceptable." After all, Dario did it to his crew last week. ESPN shows video of Dario going off on the crew boss after last race. Ah, um, nice. Hey Dario, unacceptable for the goose is unacceptable for the gander, baby. You screwed yourself. Go blame the track or something.

Todd Harris makes "picture-perfect" reference number 1.

Jamie and rookie sensation and pole sitter Ryan Briscoe. I think Ryan has better hair than Jamie, actually. Ryan says he decided to start outside. Better lines. Helio starts inside. The great unspoken question is, "Will he roll it?"

Dario interview. Says the qualifying spin-o-rama was his fault. Thought they had the car for the pole. Failed to apologize to the posse who he dissed last week. Dr. Punch shows us the Dario Nose Cam on the front of his car. We'll have a great look at the rest of the field when he starts, that's for sure.

Todd Harris gives us "picture-perfect" reference number 2! Going for a record. "Turn the trick" has to be coming soon.

Goodyear says there are no walls at Infineon so drivers may get even more mental than usual. Look for them cutting through the grass.

Practice video montage: Video of Danica getting popped. In-car of Scheckter coming over a hill and taking the dirt to avoid Vitor who was sideways and dead on the course. Here's video of Chippy's new driver Giorgio Pantano going through the dirt and mashing through signs in a cartoon-like fashion.

Chip has had 24 crashed cars and millions of dollars of damage. Target must have a seriously huge budget.

Rahal gets air. His drivers are starting 6th (Rice), 11th (Vitor) and 16th (Danica). Video of Rice and Danica in downtown San Francisco driving around on the streets.

Grand Marshal Al Unser Sr. says "lady and gentlemen, start your engines" with all the passion and excitement of a guy ordering a hot dog from a street vendor. Says it, gives the mic back and walks away. Impressive.

Fly-over time. Looks like a C5 but Todd says C-130. Where's the Air Force guys when you need them?

Scott/Todd tells us drivers will shift more than 3,000 times during the race. Pit reporters outline the crazy pit set up. Pits spread apart. Much circus potential on the blend line, etc.

Scott Dixon has Shift Cam! Camera that shows the gear shifter. Looks to be about a 10-square-inch space. Target has managed to slap a target logo up in there so you can see it from Shift Cam.

Let's light this candle. Green-green-green.

Harris: "Stomp the grapes and mash the accelerator, they Argent Indy Grand Prix is on!" I predict some kind of Windy City thing next race in Chicago. Free material for Todd: "Buckle up because the Indy Racing League is blowing into the Windy City!"

ESPN goes to side-by-side with the regular camera shot of the start and the Dario Nose Cam. Horrid. You couldn't see anything from either camera. So, by going side-by-side, you actually saw less.

Hornish goes ass-around. Something screwy with the engine. Much consternation and replays. Screws his already remote chance to catch Wheldon for the points championship.

Rice passes Tony Kanaan! An actual televised pass!

Danica watch: starts 16, down to 18th by lap 3 (Hornish's yellow) Stays there through lap 10.

Dario goes from 21st to 14th on the first lap. I suspect he took the grass. Scottish accent: "Get these slow bastards out of my way!" No video fo him passing people that I can recall. It might have been interesting to see how he did it. None of our business, I guess.

Yellow pitting during side-by-side with a commercial. As Todd says, "We miss nothing!"

Visor Cam from Dario's helmet. Dario is carrying more cameras than a network intern.

They've towed the Hornish carcass back to the Penske pit so let's go green-green-green (lap 4).

Danica ensconced in 18th. Hornish back to the garage. Something is screwy with the car.

Shifter Cam adds value. It appears that you pull the lever toward you to shift up in an Indy car and push away to shift down. Nobody tells me this, but I can see it from Shifter Cam. I did not know that. Not sure if they have to hit the clutch every time they shift of if it's kind of automatic either. And I watch the IRL all the time. This is none of my business, I guess, what it takes to shift an Indy Car, even though the drivers will do it 3,000 times during the race.

Lap 10: Briscoe, Helio, Quasi-Rookie Sensation Tomas Enge, Kanaan, Rice, Herta, Wheldon, Dixon, Vitor , Baron.

Briscoe is stretching it out. Leads by about five minutes, it seems.

Garage interview with Sam. Not a gearbox issue. Taking the car apart to figure it out. May go back out. Hornish feels bad for the team. Dario radios to say the team's effort was "unacceptable." Kidding.

Danica still 18th. Talk of how she probably won't lock up the Rookie of the Year points this race. Can't clinch it. Later they show a graphic showing Danica a massive 10 points ahead of Briscoe for the Rookie of the Year award. She may be ready to clinch in Chicago (so tune in!).

We're onboard with one of the three cameras on Dario's car. He's in 13th. Dr. Punch says Tony Kanaan is being patient. Punch says Kim Green says you can't win the race at the start but you can lose it. Sound advice.

Vince reports that Quasi-Rookie Sensation Enge is very comfortable. They are into the ethnic pronunciation of "Enge" (Enga). Very nice. Very comfortable. Has many years' experience road racing.

Yellow Yellow Yellow. Ed Carpenter spins.

Chip gets air with her personal interviewer, Jamie Little. Talking about Briscoe's chances for winning. Chip says it would be "a breath of oxygen, team-wise."

Tim Cindric of Penskeville gets air. No changes for Helio. Helio is feeling good in second. Much comfort.

Pitting. Briscoe in. 7.5 seconds. Helio in, no changes. TK out. Helio out in first.

Dan Wheldon has to come back in. Fueling issue. Didn't get fuel into the car during the first pit.

We had a few cars stay out, so lap 19 looks like this: Herta, Dixon, Giorgio Pantano, Dario, Scheckter, Danica, Helio, Briscoe, Kanaan, Enge.

Green-green-green.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Briscoe goes through the dirt on turn 7 on the inside and punts Danica into Helio. What the? Who's idea? Danica on the radio: "Stupid idiot." Booth announcers agree. Many replays, but none from Briscoe's point of view or behind the crash. No in-car from Briscoe? Where was Dario's Nose Cam when you needed it?

Briscoe roundly dissed. Impatient rookie mistake. Harris leaps in and declares Danica was completely blameless.

Video of Bev Patrick being pissed! She's ready to go! I wouldn't let her be around Briscoe right now. She might grab him by the impressive hair and kick his ass!

Rahal calls it a desperate move. No way Briscoe makes it through there.

Chippy with Jamie. Chip says it's not desperate. Hasn't talked to Ryan. Don't know what happened. (Onboard cam from Briscoe? Anyone? Does he have a camera on him or what? Apparently not, because we're not seeing it.)

Pitting. Wheldon needs water so someone off camera lobs a bottle at Wheldon. Just chucks it at him and hits him in the helmet with it. Wheldon is all like, "WTF?" Then he has to wait for the crew to grab the bottle before he takes off out of the pit. What was that? ESPN gives it the most-excellent slow-mo replay. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. "You want water? I'll give you water." If it was Dario's crew, I could understand it, but Captain Hairdo (Wheldon)?

Jamie with AJ. Totally unintelligible interview. Something about taking Quatro out of the car because he's at some school or something. No idea. Jamie cuts it off because we are green-green-green.

Vince tells us Sam is coming back out.

Helio post-crash interview. Helio is pissed. Not smiling. "Lot of lack of patience on Ryan's part. I don't know what the heck he was thinking." Punch says maybe it was a rookie mistake. "Come on, that's would be a lame excuse." Well said, Helio.

Briscoe post-race interview. Pretty big mess going up into there. In tight going to turn 7. Had to take the dirt and then had no control. Thought he had an opening. Have to see the replay. Sorry he wrecked the car and took out the other people. "Probably my mistake but hopefully I can learn from it." Right now Darren Manning is on the phone saying, "Come the (really bad word) on! I get canned and this wanker gets to keep his job?"

Todd says "can Giorgio Pantano or Scott Dixon turn the trick?" Dude, you gotta stop saying that. It means having sex for money, OK? A hooker turns tricks for a living. You're killing me here.

Green-flag pit stops. Pantano and Dixon will have to turn the trick in the back of the pack now.

Vince had Danica post-crash. Danica -- thought she gave Helio room on the outside. She thinks it was an over-anxious move this early in the game. Two fastest cars go out on a silly move. Shout out to Danica for keeping cool during the interview. Nice job. Bev has probably already been medicated to calm her down.

More green-flag pit stops. Dario about takes out a pit marshal coming out. Marshal had to bail out of there. Almost took the flag out of his hand. Dario could have slapped him five on the way by. Nice replay from ESPN.

Todd declares next Sunday to be Sept. 11. Tune in next Sunday for the Chicagoland race, even though it's in two weeks. He's a little confused. Still despondent over the Danica thing, maybe.

Enge does a spin-o-rama while leading. Shades of Danny Sullivan Spin and Win. He was so far in front that he didn't lose the lead. Continues on like nothing happened.

Buddy Rice is third. Buddy Rice! Third! I swear. Goodyear says what's changed from last year is no competitive setups on his car. Attention going to Danica and Rice getting lost in the shuffle.

Vince reports that Enge's car is OK. He spun, didn't say a word, continued on.

Lap 45 -- Enge, Kanaan, Rice, Vitor, Barron, Wheldon, Kosuke, Carpentier, Herta, Dixon.

Harris gives us "picture-perfect" reference number 3.

Wheldon dead on the course. No power. "Just cut out." Pit says he may be out of fuel. He's going to get a tow in.

Barron third and Carpentier fourth. Red Bull in the top 5. Jamie rushes to talk to Eddie Cheever who likes it, but is not in favor of this 30-lap caution we got working for Wheldon and thinks they should go back to green flag racing. "Let's go racing! Let's go!"

Scott Roembke says Rice is going to run to the end with no more pit stops. A bit of a dice roll, but Roembke says, "We either finish or we don't."

Green-green-green.

Kanaan leads, Rice is second. Video of Scheckter punting someone on the restart. He's into the pit. Left front is screwed.

Goodyear talks about driver fitness. How important it is. Extreme fitness of the drivers. Scott and Todd will spend many, many minutes talking about the importance of fitness since this race is over barring Kanaan rolling it.

Video of Sharp spinning and getting going again. Sharp is all over the place on the track. Scheckter says his car had no traction control, no shifting, no data back to the pit at various times during the race. Ready to go home. Dario radios in to blame his crew for it. (Kidding again.)

Kanaan is ahead by about five minutes. Goodyear says he's very fit. "Like a mini bodybuilder." Fitness is key.

Lap 65 -- Kanaan, Rice, Barron, Carp, Enge, Kosuke, Herta, Dixon,Vitor, Pantano.

Punch reports that Wheldon has a fuel system issue and is toast for the day. TK is now five seconds in front of Rice. He could stop for a Big Gulp and still win.

Harris says "Buddy is not known as the strongest road race courser."

Herta is sticking his nose under Kosuke's gear box about every lap. ESPN stays with the gaggle that includes Kosuke, Herta and Dixon and lets the leaders go. This is a good move, because it is interesting to see Herta jamming his nose under Kosuke's butt while it would be unintersting to watch Kanaan run four seconds ahead of Rice while we talk about fitness. We're wondering what the heck Herta is up to. Goodyear says Herta is going to get screwy and let Dixon behind him get around. They stay with that pack until, sure enough, Herta mangles his front wing under Kosuke's butt and Dixon goes around. Shout out to Scott Goodyear. He called it, ESPN stayed with it and it was one of the more interesting segments of the race.

Cut to video of Andretti using the F-word in the pit box as Herta turns his nose into a carbon fiber mess.

TK is now ahead by about a day. Rice should get second unless he goes mental. Michelle Noonan, Buddy's fiance, gets air! Uh-oh, it's time for a Significant Other Montage. Daniele Loiola Kanaan gets air maybe for the first time ever. (Announcers remind us that TK is very fit!) Ashley Judd must not be there. Danica's dad is probably confined to a closet somewhere.

Harris: Kanaan "started third and worked his way up to 11th" and now is about to bring it home!

Shocker! TK wins! Does 10 pushups in victory circle. He's very fit. Rice second. Barron and Carpentier get 3 and 4 for Eddie. ESPN which had about an hour after last race to interview everyone has about 19 seconds after this race. Long enough to get TK and then we're outta here.

Lap 80 -- Kanaan, Rice, Barron, Carpentier, Enge, Kosuke, Dixon, Dario, Vitor, Bucknam.

Note: Pressdog will be in the house at Chicago! Don't miss this first-ever in-person notes extravaganza coming to the blog on 9/12!

©2005 Bill Zahren

Notes from 2005 Honda Indy 225 (Pikes Peak)

This week's Female Rookie Sensation Round Up: Rookie sensation Katherine Legge continues to rip it up in the Toyota Atlantics by coming in second at Road America on 8/21. Rookie sensation Sarah Fisher started 7th and finished 9th in her 150-mile Pikes Peak race run right after the IRL race. No word on how Rookie Sensation Erin Crocker did this weekend (or if she even raced).

Toyota front row in Pikes Peak. Much excitement. Penske Toyotas, of course, but still.

Todd Harris calls the Kentucky race a "Bluegrass barnburner." Cut to video of Kim Sharp with the world's largest sunglasses with her quote about racing being brutal. Todd also wheels out "picture perfect day" in the intro. "Turn the trick" can't be far behind.

Todd et al are all excited about eight different winners in the IRL this year, going for a record 9th different winner. Um, too bad the six of those eight winners come from one of two teams. It's the AGR show, with Penske occasionally breaking up the party, Panther sneaking in for one and Scott Sharp winning last week when 3/4 of the AGR team fried something. Doesn't exactly scream parity.

Jerry Punch, M.D. has the Sam and Helio interview. They always stand on the same side -- Helio on the interviewer's right and Sam on the left. Helio is on the pole today. Helio says the secret to this race is to be consistent. Sam says make it to 215 in good shape and then get 'er done from there.

Jack The Root with Dario and Herta. No shout outs for Darren Manning this time (as was the case in the last two races). Dario says it's not about leading one lap but leading at the end of 225. Dario says they had some discussions with the league after the last race. What the? Talking to the league about what? Dario was pissed about something other than his tire coming off? There's a shocker. ABC shows us stunning video of Dario's tire bounding down the back stretch at Kentucky.

Jamie Little (get her in a car!) with Tony Kanaan. Jamie talks about Tony swerving around drivers on the re-start like someone trying to find the shortest lane at a toll booth. Jamie's antenna -- which, given Jamie's height, extends up to about 9 feet off the ground -- casts a wildly waving shadow on TK. Nutty.

Over to Danica. Having her best start of any mile track thus far (5th). The woman can qualify, you gotta give her that. Interviewer (Punch? I can't recall) points out that this is the 8th time Danica has out-qualified her teammates. Danica looks queasy when she hears it. I don't blame her. She out-qualifies them, sure, but then Vitor finishes higher.

AJ Foyt IV (Quatro) gets air for his Duke's of Hazard cameo. In the movie Quatro throws a punch in a bar fight. AJ gets props from the other drivers for the punch. Interviewer asks Patrick Carpentier if he thinks AJ learned that from his grandfather. Carpentier has the line of the broadcast when he says, "If it would have been what he learned from his Grandpa he would have killed the guy." When they interview Quatro about the punch I noticed he's talking more and more like AJ. He's morphing into AJ. Scary. Of course we end the segment by showing the famous "AJ bitch-slapping Arie" clip. I was hoping for the "AJ throws a tool" vidoe as well, but no.

Up close with Scott Sharp. Seems like a regular guy. Video of Jackson (Sharp's son) at flag football practice. He's open, but the QB underthrows him. Jackson asks, "What kind of sickness do race drivers get? -- Indy-gestion." Har. Jackson is funnier than some of the regular ABC guys.

Video of Jacque Lazier going ass-first into the wall during practice with his ultra-well-tuned Target car. Sorry, Jacque, you only get one car from Chip, and if you wreck it, YOU'RE FIRED. Kidding. If you wreck it you get to sit. Target's limit for buying new cars this year is 15 or so, and we've hit that, Hoss.

Let's light this candle.

Green flag. Green flag.

Harris -- "The Indy Racing Series is on a Rocky Mountain High as we go green at Pikes Peak."

Danica watch: Starts 5th. She's 7th after one, stays 7th through lap 6, then goes to 8th and stays there through lap 10. Holding up pretty well. Helio and Sam go 1-2 for the first 10.

Jack reports that Dan Wheldon was not happy qualifying 11th. Dan Wheldon is never happy qualifying lower than P1. It's almost not news any more to note that Wheldon was pissy about where he started. Like it matters to an AGR car.

We're onboard with Danica. Danica just about darts Sharp. Sharp is low and here comes Danica down and almost gets him. I imagine many swear words from Sharp. Danica gets somewhat warned for running multiple lines on the track. The both gives her props for not letting up and "staying aggressive."

Onboard with Scheckter. Major lifting in the turns. Not Tomas's day so far.

Lap 25 -- Hornish, Helio, Herta, Kanaan, Dario, Scheckter, Wheldon, Enge, Danica, Sharp.

Onboard with Danica just in time to see some 4-wide action from the in-car. Many tense spotters.

Herta reports being way loose. Dropping back.

Hornish opens up some space. I think maybe Ed Carpenter is two laps down already.

Roger Yasukawa gets air but it's as he's about to be lapped. Long year for my homeys at DRR.

Enge 6th. ABC is going down the field! They've talked about a 10th-place non-Danica car. Presses are stopped. Minds are blown. Mentioning non-Danica mid-packers!

Lap 50 -- Hornish, Helio, Kanaan, Dario, Wheldon, Enge, Danica, Scheckter, Herta, Meria.

Jack says the pit window is open. Wheldon is staying out until about lap 75.

Danica is reportedly getting good mileage. We go to the Danica Cam for the first time today. That's her head all right. Panzos is testing a new front wing today.

Scheckter pits first. Then Hornish. Punch says the pit was calling for half a turn of front wing but Hornish said leave it be. Roger overruled!

Lap 80 -- yellow, yellow, yellow. Rookie sensation Ryan Briscoe adds to the Chip Car Count. He's in the wall. Got into the marbles, saved it, got back into them, lost it again. He thinks something broke. Chip ain't buying that.

Jamie with Chip. Chip: It's hard to tell drivers not to try to get the most out their car because it kills their spirit, Chip says. Don't want to take the spirit out of the driver. "But, obviously, (Ryan) has to learn a little bit."

green-green-green

Restart during a commercial. Bogus.

Kite and Scheckter touch. Goodyear speculates maybe it was retaliation for something. Jimmy and Scheckter may GO! My money is on Jimmy. He's got the pig Toyota engine, so he's go a lot of rage issues.

Lap 96, Dario makes a sweet move to go under Sam. Many deserved shout outs and replays from the booth. Jack reports Dario got two turns of wing on last pit stop.

Lap 100 --Dario, Sam, Helio, Wheldon, TK, Vitor, Scheckter, Herta, Enge, Danica.

TK and Wheldon put Helio in an AGR sandwich. TK and Helio touch tires. Helio has to slow down.

Punch reports that because of the lack-o-power from Toyota, the Penske twins can't put as much downforce on the back wing so they're way more squirrelly out there.

On the way to commercial, Sam's wife gets very brief air! Danica's mom gets air! Making up for not showing her in KY. Back from commercial they show Danica's dad, TJ. He's so nervous and animated that he has to stand out in turn three or something, away from everyone. Video of TJ spinning around and shaking his head as Danica goes by. Note to sports parents everywhere: do not do this. TJ has to be out away from everyone so he doesn't bother others, get into a fight, something like that.

Danica gets lapped on lap 123. Moment of silence in the booth.

Lap 125 -- Dario, Wheldon, Sam, Kanaan, Helio, Vitor, Scheckter, Enge, Danica, Herta.

This running order is a shock to me. Two AGRs, Sam, another AGR, and then Helio. How often do you see that order, besides about every race? It's a good thing I taped this race, because I stop the tape here to go mow my lawn. True story.

Lawn looks good, let's roll the tape again. Goodyear says Wheldon is known as Mr. Fashion. Harris says he has more shoes than Emelda Marcos. Wheldon about to lap Danica. Will he flip her off? I like to call Wheldon "Captain Hairdo" for the spiked up thing he has working most times. Stylish.

Danica drives under a Target car. Must be Dixon since he's the only one left and going 145 mph in order to be sure and stay out of the wall.

Lap 145 nobody has said "Buddy Rice" this whole race. He's in 14th.

Hold the phone. The sun just froze. There's Jamie Little with Sarah Fisher. Sarah Fisher! Right on TV! She does a 90-second interview with Sarah. I black out for a second here. Have to go back to the tape to see what Sarah says. She's there to race her NASCAR feeder series race after The Danica 225. Jamie gets right to the important stuff, What does Sarah think of Danica? (Cut do Danica Cam as Sarah answers.) Sarah says Danica is doing a good job, putting on a good show and under a lot of pressure and "I know how that is." Claims to be cheering Danica on from afar. Jamie asks if Sarah isn't dying to be out there racing Danica and everyone. Sarah doesn't say yes or no, but says she misses Dreyer & Reinbold Racing. This is the first shout out to DRR in probably two years. The girl is loyal. Props to Sarah for mentioning her sponsors Dominos, NAPA and Office Depot.

Lap 150 --Dario, Wheldon, Sam, Kanaan, Helio, Vitor, Danica, Sharp, Herta, Enge.

Lap 154 -- Wheldon leads. Dixon is going about 125 mph. Dario has to lift to avoid him.

Pitting. Danica in. Herta in. Vitor and Sam almost collide in the pits.

Dario in at 164. Jack talks about how calm Dario is. Calm as an helicopter pilot. And then he stalls his car. Maybe it wasn't him, but the car stalls. They're going to push start it. Not working. Pull it back to to the pit box to start it with the starter. Many shots of Ashley! Ashley is not happy! Ashley is fully chagrined. Look forward to Dario beating someone with an air gun over this one.

Wheldon laps Rice, maybe for the second time. Nobody says nothing. Wheldon working on Danica.

ABC gives Honda a salute for their continuous bitch-slapping of the field in the last couple years. Barring aliens abducting all Hondas on the track, they will win the manufacturer's title again this year. The drama over who would win the manufacturer's title this year was almost palpable. Watch for the HUGE USA Today ad from Honda.

Vitor is 5th. Gets nice air for being an ambassador to the Special Olympics. Is there a nicer guy in the IRL? No.

Lap 175 -- Wheldon, Hornish, TK, Helio, Vitor, Enge, Scheckter, Danica, Dario, Sharp

Dario up to 7th after the big stall.

Discussion of the AGR bearing issue last week. Scott says he checked into it and it might have been a lubricant issue. Scott is the investigative reporter. Shout out to Scott for adding value. Says that AGR changed bearing suppliers anyway.

TK working on Sam. Sam uses Kosuke and other lapped traffic to block off TK. Nice.

Goodyear says there's a big rift between TK and Helio. More insider stuff. Scott has been going undercover. Bringing us the garage dirt. You da man, Scotty!

We have time for this Scott Goodyear Insider Edition since this race was over the second Dario stalled in the pits.

Wheldon, Wheldon, Wheldon, Wheldon wins. Harris says Dan "turned the trick today." Did he get $50 for that trick, Todd, or was it $100?

Lap 225 -- Wheldon, Hornish, Kanaan on the lead lap, then Helio, Vitor, Enge, Dario one lap down, then Danica two laps down, then Sharp and Carpentier.

Post-race interview, Wheldon admits to being cranky because he hasn't won in a while. It has been SEVEN whole races since he won. Yeah, that's gotta be rugged. Let's ask the Red Bull guys how much sympathy they have for the seven-race win drought. I actually teared up when Wheldon said that.

Apparently the one-yellow race is over in record time so ABC has time to interview basically everyone. Even Jimmy Kite gets some air. They show Danica the tape of her Dad going crazy. She says she didn't need to see that. Says T.J. didn't push her into anything but wants her to do well but is smart enough to get away from everyone during the race. Many fewer "you knows" from Danica during her interview. Shout out for that improvement.

Long-distance Video of Dario bitching out his team manager or someone. Dario is pissed. Team manager (or whoever) looks pissed and unimpressed with Dario's rant. Ashley in her jumbo race hat sitting nearby waiting for Dario to get done with the verbal bitch-slapping. Then, on camera, Dario disses and dismisses his team. Says their performance is just not acceptable. Dangerous. Unless Dario can change his own tires, he better calm himself. You can see Ashley in the background with the world's hugest hat on. Goodyear says after the tirade that it's a bit dangerous to slap the hand that fills your car's tank. Stay tuned for drama.

One of ABC's better broadcasts. Too bad the race was a yawner. Which AGR car will win or will God himself put Sam/Helio at the front? Oh, the drama.

©2005 Bill Zahren

IRL Officials Announce "Bad Bearing Bingo" Initiative

Note: This is all made up. Fiction. You'd be surprised how many people think this stuff is true.

The Indy Racing League today unveiled a new "Bad Bearing Bingo" initiative that they hope will put more mystery and excitement into league races for the rest of the season.

"Let's face it," said one IRL official. "AGR was pretty much giving everyone a bitch-slapping every time out. They won seven of the first 11 races. Race story lines were like, 'Does a Penske car have a prayer of preventing yet another ARG win?' That's great if you're an AGR fan, but if you're a fan of someone else -- aside from Danica (5-1, 100 pounds), of course -- it's just not that fun to watch your driver battle for seventh."

Inspired by the exciting Kentucky race in which three AGR cars went out with mechanical problems -- two with wheel bearing issues -- IRL engineers have perfected a wheel bearing that can slowly go bad but not cause a crash.

"It's a godsend to try and get some more competition into the league," said an IRL engineer who held up the new wheel bearing. "This little honey can go bad -- fry to a crisp -- and not cause the driver to lose control of the car. We call it Slow Burn Technology."

The league announced that the bad bearing -- which looks identical to good bearings -- will be mixed into a batch of 16. Each of the four AGR crew chiefs will then select four bearings for his car from that batch, thereby assuring that one car gets the Bad Bearing. When that bearing slowly goes bad, at least one AGR car will be thinned from the field.

"We think with only three AGR cars 'protecting' each other maybe someone else besides Sam Hornish and Helio will have a chance in hell to win," said a league official. "It worked out pretty well at Kentucky, you gotta admit." After two AGR cars went out with bad bearings and a third blew its gearbox, Scott Sharp scored his first win in two years at Kentucky.

League insiders quickly dubbed the new program the "Unlucky Dog" rule in a veiled jab at NASCAR's "Lucky Dog" rule, which allows the first car one lap down get back on the lead lap during cautions. ABC announced it would go along with the fun spirit of the initiative and instruct its booth announcers to say "Uh-oh, looks like we got a bad bingo in the back stretch" or something similarly quippy.

The AGR team, however, was unphased. "We'll still win the championship and probably finish 1, 2, 3 and 4 in the points. Plus we're not so sure a Honda with a bad bearing still can't beat a flawless Toyota," said an AGR team official during a press conference. Before the conference AGR leaders said "first time we hear 'Danica' this conference is over."

The league expects to have Bad Bearing Bingo in effect in time for the race at Pike's Peak on Aug. 21.

In other news, Rahal Letterman driver Vitor Meira announced a sponsorship deal with bridesmaids.com.

©2005 Bill Zahren

Notes from the AMBER Alert Indy 300 (Kentucky) 2005

Notes from the ABC broadcast of the IRL race at Kentucky Speedway on 8/14/05.

Female Rookie Sensation Round Up: Tough week for female rookie sensations. Toyota Atlantic Rookie Sensation Katherine Legge got tangled up on the start of the Toyota Atlantic Grand Prix of Denver on 8/14 and ended up 17th. Rookie Sensation Sarah Fisher started 17th, ran as high as 11th until her rear end blew and she ended up 17th at the NASCAR Grand National West Series race in Stockton, CA on 8/13.

Rookie Sensation Erin "No Relation to Betty" Crocker was the one bright spot when she started third and finished third in the ARCA race in Nashville on 8/13. Crocker then jetted to tony Knoxville, Iowa to complete in the Knoxville National sprint car championships on Sunday. Got 16th in the B Feature.

ABC rolls out a new theme "Make a Move." Speed City is retired. Minimal mention of Danica.

Qualifying was washed out so Danica wins the pole based on qualifying times.

Todd Harris calls the Andretti Green team a "four-headed monster." Shout out to Todd for that one. Let's go to Jack the Root who has the Danica Patrick beat today.

Jack trying to keep up with Danica who is walking. Jack asks "when are you going to close the deal?" When will we get the trip to victory lane? Jack, seriously, how is Danica supposed to answer that? Sha.

Danica: "We do everything we can but the bottom line is is the reason why the guys with experience win is because they got experience and I'm just lacking." Shot of Danica walking away shows that her hair is half as long as she is. Didn't realize it was that long.

Danica and Dan on the front row, so ABC has to flash back to the Indy 500 when they battled briefly.

Dan Wheldon interview. How do you stop Danica? "Danica is obviously a very talented individual and she's been quick all week here." He doesn't seem to concerned, however.

Dan gives a shout out to Darren Manning! Right on camera. Makes up for the attempted shout out from Bryan Herta that got cut off by ABC last week. Go Danno! Fight the ABC director power!

Um, as if Wheldon isn't going to pass Danica as soon as possible. Whatever. He's ON IT from the get go.

SHeDAISY does the national anthem. Funky. Harmonic.

Commercial -- Toyota -- if there's a way to make our driver's faster, we'll find it. Maybe like delivering them a Chevrolet engine, perhaps. Kidding. I kid Toyota, because I care.

Interesting up-close segment on Bryan Herta which nobody got to see since the video went fuzzy. Looked just like an Iowa blizzard -- snowy. At one point I heard Herta say he "had to cheat just to keep up with the light little bugger." Probably not talking about Danica but, with no video, you never know. The feature sounded good, at least.

Jamie Little (get her in a car!) tells us that torrential rains in New York are screwing up the video.

Harris and Scott Goodyear in the booth. Goodyear says "Sarah Fisher" right out loud. Talking about Sarah winning the pole in 2002. Goodyear is a maverick! Loose cannon! Last week he said "Champ Car" right on the air and this year he mentioned the non-Danica. Look for ABC to install a shock collar by next race.

Track temp 130 degrees. Lots of support for Sammy in the crowd. 60,000-plus people there.

KY Gov. Ernie Fletcher says "Lady and Gentlemen 'unbridle your spirit' and start your engines." Must be the state motto or something.

Graphic of pole sitters. Todd Harris says "Sarah Fisher" right out loud as well! Mutiny! Graphic of pole speeds shows the track record holder. Who holds the track record? Who would that be? Hmmmmm, ah, Sarah Fisher. 221.390 mph. Bam. She edged the always fabulous Billy "Show" Boat for the pole that year, if memory serves.

Jamie talks about AJ Foyt taking on about 200 "killer" bees on his ranch. Foyt is tougher than 200 damn bees, that's for damn sure. Saved himself by slapping his face into a creek. I'm thinking AJ went back and burned the section of brush where the bees once lived. Don't mess with AJ. Jamie also talks about AJ 4 (Quatro!) ditching Toyota for a Chevy. Rock and roll, Quatro. We'll keep an eye on Quatro.

Jack The Root on camera. Kicky shades, Jack. Skinny shades. Stylish. Talking about the race being one of compromises, but I was digging the shades.

Parade laps. Running down the field. Harris says Danica "doesn't want to get jumped" in the acceleration zone. At least he's not talking about her "turning the trick."

Let's light this candle. Green flag, green flag.

Harris: "They're off like thoroughbreds in the bluegrass state and a filly leads the way!" ABC's writers are already working on one for Pike's Peak. This is A-level stuff. I'd give $5 to hear Dario say "She's quite a filly" in his Scottish accent. Think Mike Meyers.

Tony Kanaan in a vintage TK move, weaves round the restart like someone looking for a parking spot at Wal-mart. Goes from fifth to first on the first lap.

Punch tells us Danica ran over an air wrench in practice and screwed up the undertray. Because of that, RL tells her to find a hole and don't be too aggressive early on.

Danica back to third after 1, fourth after 5, 5th after 7, 6th after 10. Scheckter goes from 22nd to 14th in 10 laps. Quatro starts 12th and up to 9th by lap 7, down to 11th by lap 10.

Vitor closing in on Danica.

Quatro gets air time! Ditch Toyota, get air. Video of AJ and many shout outs for him surviving the bee attack. AJ is tougher than an 8-year-old bull.

Danica reports understeer. Onboard with Danica. Much analysis of her hands and how comfortable she is.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Dixon blows up. Whoever had Dixon in the First Out Pool wins what's left of a used Toyota engine. Dixon goes high to spew fluid. Many shout outs for going high and not spreading debris and oil all over the track.

Yellow pit stops coming up. Mike Hull of the Target team gets air. Chip must be busy or still recovering from his hour and a half of air time last week. Mike says didn't see the blown engine coming. Also says Toyota has been working really hard on the engines.

Pitting. Wheldon loses three stops on pit road. They'll be some yellin' about that.

Dario's wheel is off. Its bounding down the track like a dog that got away from its owner. Harris says the wheel weighs "in excess of 200 pounds." Those pit guys must be hulks they way they throw those 200 pounds wheels around. Maybe he meant 20.

Jack the Root and the cut-away car. Interesting. Shout outs for the cut-away car. Looks like there are no threads on the lug nut. They spin on and have some spring locking device. I did not know that. Interesting.

Jamie updates us on the Red Bull guy who got hit by a wheel coming off Rookie Sensation Ryan Briscoe's car last week. Torn MCL, blown hammy, concussion. Saved by his helmet, I guess. Pit video of the guy getting hit. Clipped from behind on the leg. Nasty. Kids, wear your helmets!

Real commercials (and lots of them) in this race. Danica is selling some air time! ABC is digging that.

Green flag, green flag -- Scheckter is charging. Sounds like he's on the rev limiter. He's around Buddy Rice on lap 43. Scheckter is 5th! Up from 16th. Hornish and Scheckter about touch. Dario charging back up from 21st after losing his wheel.

Lap 50 -- Wheldon, Kanaan, Scheckter, Sam, Vitor, Helio, Danica, Sharp, Kosuke, Dario. Quatro -14th.

Danica looks to be hanging tough in 7th. Let's go to Buddy Rice's pit. Scott Roembke of RL. All is well. He expects Buddy to be up front.

Harris says Danica turns the fast lap of the race so far. Much talk about her charging back up to the front. Shades of Indy. Harris getting a little excited. Holding it together pretty well, though. Scott says Danica was more determined than ever today. A "different Danica."

Herta 11th. Jack the Root says keep an eye on him. Dark horse to win. Getting good gas mileage.

Lap 69 -- Yellow, yellow, yellow -- Ed into the wall. Wall Vision. Ed is OK. Not sure what happened. Replay shows suspension blew. Ed about popped a wheelie. Many shout outs to the SAFER barrier. (Big ups to the posse at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln for developing that bad boy.)

Yellow pit stops. Jamie in the Danica pit. No changes. It's STALLED. Danica's car stalled. Much scrambling in the pit. Get it restarted. Jack calls it a "typical rookie mistake." Hmmm. Shades of Indy. DP back out in 20th.

Lap 75 -- Kanaan, Wheldon, Scheckter, Hornish, Vitor, Dario, Sharp, Helio, Kosuke, Quatro! (10th)

Green-green-green.

Danica back into the pits. Gears are shot. Cost her a lap "probably take her out of contention" Goodyear says. Sucks to be Danica. Ray Leto says she's got no 4, 5 and 6 gear. Gear thing could be why it stalled earlier.

Scheckter slowing. More gear problems. Punchy says same issue as Danica. All Scheckter has is high gear.

Dario flying up the field. Started almost dead last after losing a tire and now up to 5th.

Interview with Scheckter. Wasn't the gears. Half his engine wasn't working. Maybe bad injectors. Running on four cylinders. Not good. Came in and called it a day.

TK slowing down. "Dropped the anchor" as Harris says. Shout out to Harris for the anchor reference. Goodyear speculates bearings. Jack says it's wheel bearings. Right rear. AGR needs a new bearing supplier. Their bearings end up looking like burned calamari rings.

Lap 100 -- Wheldon, Vitor, Helio, Sharp, Dario, Sam, Kosuke, Herta, Quatro (9th) Carpentier.

Quatro passes Herta for 8th. Gets air time. Quatro has doubled his air time from the last year in just this one race. He's en fuego with the bow tie engine.

Jack with Tony. Tony says "I was protecting Dan. Dan was protecting me." Protecting mean blocking? NO WAY! Blocking is not allowed in the IRL.

Lap 107. Vitor leads.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Debris. ABC may have needed more time to get commercials in and dispatched interns to chuck carbon fiber onto the track for a NASCAR-style "debris" yellow. Just speculating.

Wheldon? What was that dive into the pit in front of Vitor under yellow? Almost passed him on the pit road. Sha. A bit of a wanker move there.

Danica is back out. Only reason I know is I saw her in the background of a shot. No mention from the booth. They are treating her like any other driver 15 laps down. I'm somewhat shocked at this.

When Vitor took the lead, Rahal came down from Danica's pit to Vitor's. Vitor's pit is highly honored! With Danica 15 laps down and Buddy Rice solidly in 11th, it dawned on Rahal that he had another driver and someone gave him directions to the Vitor pit.

Wheldon beats Vitor out of the pits.

Green-green-green. Vitor taking a look at Wheldon. Sam is looking high. (Shocker!) Dario is now third after losing his wheel. Impressive climb back through the field. Danica-esque, even.

Dario second!

Lap 125 -- Wheldon, Dario, Vitor, Sharp, Hornish, Helio, Kosuke, Barron, Carpentier, Quatro (10th!)

Sharp (Sir Blocks-a-lot) is charging. He's up to third on lap 128. Harris talks about how fit Sharp is. Sharp is very fit. Booth guys ALWAYS mention what good shape he's in. Not sure why.

Sharp passes Dario for second. Extreme Fitness is paying off. Working on Wheldon.

Dan vs. Scott -- Battle of the Blockers. Block Wars 2005. Dan Wheldon has "changed his line" based on pressure by Sharp. Lap 134 Sharp makes a nice slingshot move around Wheldon and takes the lead. ADRIANNNNNNNE! Your driver is in the lead. Panoz chassis car in the lead. Alert the media.

Shot of Sharp family in the pit. No sign of Danica's mom.

Herta in the pits with the cowling off. He's done. Jack says it's the gear box.

Lap 148 -- Vitor looking at second. Working on Wheldon. Wheldon doesn't have anyone to "protect" him right now.

Lap 150 -- Sharp, Wheldon, Vitor, Dario, Buddy Lazier (5th), Sam, Helio, Barron, Quatro, Kosuke.

Michael Andretti gets his first air of the day. Says we need a quick stop. Jack the Root is all over the pits. He's giving us end-to-end coverage.

Hornish in. A little early. Having some tire wear issues. Punch shows us video. Tire was three laps from blowing. Pretty chewed up. Probably over or under inflating them causing the wear.

Lap 161 Wheldon leads. Side-by-side around the track. Lap 163. Sharp and Wheldon playing chicken.

Lap 169. Yellow-yellow-yellow. Dario high. Looks like a dying quail. Who was ahead at yellow? Sharp was ahead. Dario fried another wheel bearing. Sucks to be Sam who pitted under the green about 10 laps earlier.

Yellow pit stops. Sharp in, 7.1 seconds. Miera out in second!

Green green green. Vitor takes a look. No way Sharp gets passed in the last 25, especially since the IRL tends to misplace its black flag for the leaders late in the race.

Lap 175 -- Sharp, Vitor, Wheldon, Barron, Kosuke, Quatro (6th!), Helio (who is radioing his spotter to find out "who is this white number 14 car in front of me?"), Buddy Lazier, Rookie Sensation Ryan Briscoe, Jimmy Kite.

Jimmy Kite is in 10th in a non-Penske Toyota! Holy Ethanol. Jimmy Kite in the top 10 and Quatro in 6th. I'm frothing at the mouth. Barron is 4th. (Lap 176) Barron! In the non-Penske Toyota. Shut up. I'm checking to see if the sun has indeed frozen.

2 years since Sharp won. Punch with Kim Sharp who says "I think this proves to everybody he's not a has-been and he can drive a race car and he's an exceptional talent." Kim gives the sponsors a shout out. Nice job with the interview. Very poised.

20 to go. Danica in 17th. Harris says "She'll certainly be back next week at Pikes Peak" (so tune in!) Pressdog note: Sarah Fisher will be racing at Pike's Peak on 8/21, immediately after the IRL race. Could there be a brawl? Stay tuned. Pretty sure they won't be spotting for each other. Or maybe they'll go drinking together the night before. Never know.

Kim Sharp side-by-side with 10 to go. Vitor has to go high if he's going to get around Sharp and he just doesn't have the car.

Last lap. Harris says "turn the trick" again. Stop saying that, Todd.

Sharp wins. Sharp wins. Screams into his radio. ABC plays it on the air and doesn't talk over it. Thank you very much ABC. Sharp's first win since 2003 (41 races). Many donuts.

Lap 200 -- Sharp, Vitor, Wheldon, Barron (Red Bull Toyota in 4th! Amazing.), Helio, Buddy Lazier (Buddy rocking in the Panther Chevy!), Sam (drove from 13th to seventh in 25 laps), Kosuke, Quatro! (9th) and Kite (10th!) Jimmy Kite gets a top ten. Everyone rush out and buy a tank of ethanol.

Kim Sharp interview: Says hi to the kids first. "We've worked so hard for this. We've been down in the trenches and this sport can be so brutal to ya." Amen, sister. Enjoy the victory party.

Sharp: "I gotta thank all the people who prayed for me." Says he's giving a piece of his winnings to a mission trip. Impressive. Sharp gives Honda a big shout out. "Honda is THE BEST company I've ever been with."

Danica finishes 16. 16 laps down but had the fastest lap of the race (216.882) but it came after the gearbox problem. If not for blowing the box, she might have been Vitor-ish at the end.

Vitor is all class in his post-race interview with Jamie.

Wheldon -- Says on the last pit stop he overshot his marks. Takes the blame for it. May have cost him second place for sure.

AJ interview. Looking happy. Bubbly even. AJ says he was tired of getting beaten during his two years with Tie-yota. Had to make a change. Says Quatro drove a super race today. Lost fifth gear at the end of the race or maybe would have had a couple more spots. AJ says he's feeling better today after the bee attack last week. Quatro is wearing a Chevy cap! Sticking it in Toyota's face. Quatro says the engine "made a word of difference."

©2005 Bill Zahren

IRL, Champ Car Enter Suicide Pact "For the Good of the Sport"

Note to the gullible: this is all made up.

Leaders of the Indy Racing League and Champ Car World Series today confirmed they have entered into a suicide pact "for the good of open-wheel racing in the U.S."

Once-secret documents reveal that IRL headman, Tony George, has an agreement with Champ Car owners Gerald Forsythe, Kevin Kalkhoven and Paul Gentilozzi "to choke each other to death and never let go."

The agreement continues: "The aforesaid will continue to try and drive the rival series into the ground and subsequently pee on its grave even if it kills us both, out of sheer love and respect for American open-wheel racing."

"We owe it to the sport to have one series, not two, and we're going to reward our long-time fans by giving them that one series, even if it kills us both," said one of the parties to the pact.

The existence of the mutual-annihilation pact was a blow to open-wheel fans who have called for unity in the rival series. Fans point out there is less and less difference between the two racing series from a fan perspective, especially with the introduction of road races in the IRL.

"All we're saying is, um, one big, combined series with 40 cars is better than two with 20 trying to choke each other to death at all times," said one fan.

Partisans on both sides, however, hailed the Champ Car/IRL pledge of mutual doom. "No way we want anything to do with Tony George," said one Champ Car enthusiast. "He's the spawn of the devil." Champ Car fans point to their series alleged huge crowds at various venues as proof that they are on the rise.

The IRL partisans responded, "I'm sorry, were you saying something, I had a Champ Car race on and was asleep inside four minutes. Tell the three stooges (Forsythe, Kalkhoven and Gentilozzi) to stay the F away from our series." IRL fans point to television ratings which have climbed over 1.0 for the first time in for-f-ing ever thanks mainly to their rookie sensation, Danica Patrick (5-foot-1, 100 pounds).

"We're winning. We have those other idiots on their way down," both side's fans said in unison.

In other news, NASCAR is rumored to be working on a new car design that has a roof but no fenders in an effort to take over the "open-wheel" market itself. NASCAR officials reportedly got the idea when disintegrating left front tires at the Brickyard 400 blew the fenders off several cars. Industry observers gave it a 60% chance of success.

Fisher Fans Demand SPEED Hire Todd Harris

Here's the deal: I made all of this up. It's fiction.

Fans of rookie sensation Sarah Fisher today angrily demanded that the SPEED Channel hire ABC/ESPN announcer Todd Harris.

Fisher Fans said their move came after SPEED failed to fawn over Fisher during a tape-delayed broadcast of the NASCAR Grand National West Series King Taco 150 at Irwindale, CA.
Fisher is a rookie sensation in the West Series where she's learning to drive stock cars after 17 years in dirt-track, cart and Indy Car open-wheel racing.

"A bunch of us watched the SPEED broadcast and, frankly, it could have used a few Harrisisms," said the president of Fisher Fans.

Fisher supporters noted the fact that the SPEED announcers only said, "Sarah Fisher" twice during the entire broadcast -- once while running down the starting positions and again when running down the top 10 finishers.

"I mean, no Sarah Cam, no talking to Sarah's engineer when she went from 17th to 18th, no praise for her poise while she was back in 21st," said an unidentified Fisher Fan, "these are all things that are the hallmarks of a Todd Harris broadcast."

During ABC/ESPN broadcasts, directors frequently cut to "Danica Cam," a camera mounted inside Patrick's car which shows action-packed views of Patrick's helmeted head. "And Jamie Little is in Danica's pit for update reports so often she's starting to just wear a Rahal Letterman fire suit," said one disgruntled Fisher Fan. "I think I actually saw her working as a fueler on Danica's car one race."

"I mean, it's like SPEED treated Sarah like any other driver," said a fan from Ohio. "Sure, that's what Sarah says she wants, but I think Todd Harris would have at least drug out a Sally Ride, maybe an Amelia Earhart reference when Sarah moved from 21st to 8th in the last half of the race. But from the SPEED guys -- nothing."

Fans suggested something along the line of "She's been driving since she was 5 but now she's driving through the West Series -- here comes SARAH!" would have been good at that point, or perhaps "She has her ovaries in overdrive -- SARAH FISHER."

"Todd could totally pull that off, totally," said yet another Fisher Fan in between chugs of his Lite beer from Miller. "These SPEED gomers just cared about the top 5."

In other news, the popularity of sending cars over railroad tracks in the Champ Car World Series San Jose Grand Prix on July 31 has caused league officials to consider installing small skateboarding ramps as part of an upcoming race course. "Two words," said one Champ Car league official, "Big air."

©2005 Bill Zahren

IRL Implements Danica-Related Changes

Note to the humorless: this is all fiction. I made it up for humor purposes.

The Indy Racing League announced today that it will implement several changes to help the league capitalize on the growing fan attention for rookie sensation Danica Patrick.

"Good god, we're not stupid," said one IRL insider. "When a cash cow walks into your living room, you milk it."

Spurred by the Danica-only autograph line offered at Milwaukee, league officials said they would take the concept one step further and have a Danica-only race as well.

Plans call for Patrick (5'-1", 100 pounds) to circle the track alone for 200 laps or two hours, whichever comes first.

"We thought, hey, if everyone is here to see Danica run out front, you know, what the hell?" said a well-placed league official. "I bet you $10 we have a strong 80% of the crowd we'd have for a more traditional race."

Race officials predicted Danica would get off to a slow start, struggle a bit with set ups, but then gradually move her way to the front and pick up the victory in the Danica-only race.

In another development, league officials confirmed that Danica will now be fitted with a global positioning satellite chip in her fire suit. The exact location of where the chip would be in her suit was not disclosed. By placing the GPS device in Danica's suit, league officials hope to allow ABC/ESPN to know exactly where Danica is (within two feet) at all times.

The league will also fit Danica with a strobe beacon on top of her helmet to greatly aid fans in keeping track of her on the track, and also help the media find Danica in a crowd.

"She's a five-foot bundle of excitement, which is a problem when she's in a crowd of us 6-footers," said ABC trackside reporter Jamie Little. "We lose track of her for seconds at a time, and those are seconds when we may want to ask her a key question like what her favorite color is and if Indy racing is anything like the movie Driven starring Sly Stallone."

Patrick was especially cool to the idea of wearing the GPS chip.

"You know, I wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom and there's Jamie Little with some camera guy setting up for a shot," said Patrick. "She pulls me next to her and suddenly she's asking if I'm OK with my toothpaste setup this morning. And I'm like, you know, 'Can I just go to the can in my own house?' "

In other news, Andretti Green leaders said their boycott of an autograph session at Milwaukee wasn't because they are "being pissy."

"No way we were pissy about it," said a team official. "A bit peevish, perhaps. A bit out of sorts, maybe. Even a little churlish. But 'pissy,' no way." AGR later released a statement saying they were going to protest to IRL officials for having to answer "stupider questions than Danica."

©2005 Bill Zahren

Notes from the Firestone Indy 400 (Michigan) 2005

Notes taken during the ABC broadcast of the Firestone Indy 400 from Michigan on 7/31/05.

Female Rookie Sensation report: Katherine Legge wins again! Wins the Toyota Atlantic Taylor Woodrow Grand Prix of San Jose on 7/31. Rookie sensation Sarah Fisher started 21st and finished 8th in her West Series race in Irwindale, CA on 7/23 and started third and finished 11th in Monroe, Washington on 7/30.

ABC opens with the Speed City deal they've been saving since Indy. Danica is the "rookie with dangerous beauty." Wheldon is the mayor of Speed City since he won the Indy 500. Really. He won the thing.

A little tie in with the space shuttle lift off. Shuttle commander: Eileen Collins. Not too bad of a female driver, but hardly a rookie.

Harris comments on Danica's "meteoric rise" and wonders "will this be the day" she wins? Mentions engine parity (between Honda, Chevy and Penske Toyota, apparently). All non-Penske Toyotas, please proceed to rows 6 through 10.

Jack the Root is back in the house and on the AGR beat. Video of Ashley and her Hat of the Race hating life last week as Dario gets passed by Sammy Hornish. AGR does a 4-pack interview. The Root is working each one. Clever intros. Blah blah blah. Four Amigos. Wheldon does not use his few seconds of interview to ask any racing team anywhere with an opening to call him. And the end of the interview, Herta grabs the mic and says "We want to say hi to our friend Darren Manning who is at home ...." That's enough of that, ABC cuts Herta off by cutting to Dr. Jerry Punchy. You can't say hi to fired drivers, OK? What is Dr. Punch a doctor of? Medical? Ph.D. in physics? What? ABC, give us a graphic. (I later learn he's an M.D.)

Castroneves and Hornish interview together. I notice that they aren't standing too close to one and other. Helio tries to quip. Awkward. Could two drivers be more opposite?

Jamie Little (get her in a car!) is in the house! Vince Welsh apparently stayed home this time in favor of Jack the Root. Jamie reviews Michigan 2004 in which Scheckter put it sideways in the pit and broke a crew guy's leg. Dark days. Jamie asks a good question: Why were you crap last year but not this year?

Scheckter: "I'm not sure. Great to be back up front. Texas win helped."

Harris and Goodyear. Rahal Letterman sucking. Why? Not sure. Maybe Michigan is their race. Maybe their engineers are huffing methanol. (Made the methanol stuff up myself. Sorry.)

New record for delayed mention of Danica. Multiple minutes after she was in the intro with her dangerous beauty. ABC makes up for it by teasing a Danica Segment as they go to a commercial.
Danica through-the-windshield interview as she drives a Honda street car around with Jack the Root, who looks like he's on a date or something. Jack is turned sideways in his seat. Has kind of a hidden camera, Punk'd kind of feel to it. I imagine the producers "let's interview Danica in a way that's not been done before. I know, we rig up a camera OUTSIDE the car, and shoot her through the windshield!!"

Harris -- Danica has put the buzz back into Indy 500. Jack, "What do people not know about you, Danica." Danica: that she's a girlie girl. (I think we got that from the FHM photos.) Jack: How did it feel to be voted bested dressed at the ESPYs. Danica: "Awesome!" Danica says the whole media fixation has been "more than I expected." Next week, Jack interviews Danica as they both skydive.
Rice segment: Michigan last year was his third win of the season. This year stats are "abysmal."

Jamie with Chippy. Jamie is not afraid to go in there and ask the Chipster: "Why did you fire Darren?" who was 13th in points, the best among Chip's drivers.

Chip: Difficult situation. Racing has ups and downs. No one thing makes you win or lose. Manning has "performance challenges" lately. Chip starts to make Manning sound mental. He wasn't right. Like him. Wish him well. Needed to get out of the car for a while. Jamie says Target has had to work on 20 crashed cars this year so far.

Dr. Punch. Many seconds of video of Bev Patrick with the headphones on. Worried mother. Michigan is fast and dangerous but 12 drivers have gotten their first IRL win here. Concerned mother.

Let's light this candle.

Green flag. Green flag.

Five wide. Danica starts 8th. By the end of lap 1 she's 15th. Rice starts 3rd and by end of 1 he's 14th. Rahal in Reverse. Miera starts 9 and is 7 by the end of lap 1. Kanaan goes from 14th to third in one lap.

Danica 15th by lap 3. 18th by lap 5.

Punch reports that Rice says he's got no grip. Danica now 19th. Herta leads. Visor Cam from Dario's head. Visor Cam sucks. Can't see squat. Put a little camera on top of the helmet. That would be better than inside it where you see the inside of his helmet.

Danica 20th. Harris isn't giving up hope: Danica is patient enough and has got enough poise, don't count her out. Indy comeback mention. She worked her way through the field and challenged for the win. I think after the Indy experience and the races that followed, Danica appreciates the value of engineers in the IRL. If it's gripless, no rookie sensation on the planet can do much with it.

Bell first to pit. 9.8 seconds, gets some wing. Scheckter gets a black flag for pit speed violation! Drive through penalty. Doug "We got screwed!" Boles with Jamie. Calm about it. Doesn't scream.

Brian is the Even Hand of Justice! One rule book for almost everyone.

Hornish making some hand gesture to Wheldon. Looks like a "get in line" request. Yeah, sure, Wheldon is going to do something to assist Sam. Not.

Danica in danger of going a lap down. CUT TO DANICA IN-CAR. She's battling it. Guys, um, she's going to get lapped. Take a minute if you have to. Cut to Danica Cam. There she is. In her car.

Chippy gets more air time. He may fire more drivers if this keeps up: Fire a driver, get more air than Ray Leto, Kim Green and Michael Andretti combined. Chip calls Ryan Darren. Goodyear says Darren was over watching a Champ Car race recently.

Danica lapped. She's 18th.

Lap 74. Herta, Kanaan. Seven second lead. Lap 75 - Herta, Kanaan, Hornish, Scheckter.

Danica up to 17th.

Goodyear gives the pit crews a shout out. Tremendous pressure to do it all in under 10 seconds.

Lap 80. Danica pits. Almost leaves before fueler is done. Guy waved her out early.

Darren Manning gets air time -- in a Target ad.

Lap 90. Herta, Wheldon, Kanaan, Hornish, Dario.

Harris says AGR got about $30,000 in fines for taking their Sharpies and going home and refusing to be in an autograph session at Milwaukee. But everyone has kissed and made up.

Lap 100 -- Herta, Wheldon, Kanaan, Hornish, Dario, Rice, Sharp, Buddy Lazier, Helio, Bell

Herta's ahead by about half a week. Something like 10 seconds.

ABC is packing this broadcast with a billion commercials. Many side-by-side where we have in-car camera shots from Dario or someone. Average speed 211 so far. No yellows.

Dario asks if Wheldon will let him by. The answer is, ah, no. Wheldon calls him a wanker (ok, made that up).

Herta ahead by 11.3 seconds, which is a month by IRL standards.

Lap 120. Four or five wide. Harris says Barnhart has "eyes like Marty Feldman" when he sees it. Shout out to Harris for that line.

Lap 122. Yellow, Yellow, Yellow. Ed Carpenter has blown up. Andretti is not really thrilled with the yellow. Allows the field to bunch up. May take Herta 10 or so laps to get back to a 15-second lead. Inconvenient. Raise your hand if you think anyone but AGR will win this thing.

Ed Carpenter gets shout outs for not staying on the track when he blows up.

Danica Cam. There she is. I'd recognize her helmet anywhere.

Rice out. Half shaft. The guy snaps them like twigs. In a daring move to get yet more air time, Chip fires Rice. (Kidding!) Jamie interviews Rice who looks like his favorite dog just died. Rice doesn't swear violently into the mic, so points to him. Rahal Letterman has been crap since Indy.

Lap 138. Helio blows up. We got fire. Helio parks it by the fire station and gets out of there. Jogging down pit row.

Jamie with Bobby Rahal. What's your strategy for getting Danica from 18th place and a lap down to the front, aside from witchcraft. Bobby is realistic. Something about staying out during yellow pits. No way to answer that question without just laughing.

Commercials everywhere on this broadcast. Night Stalker is coming back! Sweet.

Lap 142, Herta, Hornish, Wheldon, Scheckter, Kanaan, Bell, Dario.

Danica 14th.

We got a crewman down. Tire from Briscoe came off and smacked a Carpentier crew guy. Briscoe is now taking out crew members as well. The crew guy looks like he'll be OK.

Green-green-green
Hornish leads on lap 155. Danica 16th. Scheckter is freaking out, up to 3rd. Hornish and Scheckter battling.

Danica blows up. Yellow yellow yellow. She pulls it into the pits and is bailing out. FINALLY an interesting use of Danica Cam showing all the stuff that has to happen for her to get out of the car. Jamie Little is in full sprint to catch up to Danica.

Danica interview. Danica says "you know" too often. She needs to work on it. Distracting. Jamie: What happened? Danica: Engine blew. Danica says she was all about getting out of the car because she has a problem with fire, which proves she's a smart girl. Car was off and on and off and on. No grip on the restarts. "I gotta figure something out."

Dixon gets out of the car. Blows Darren a kiss and gets fired by Chip (kidding). Crank case pressure was climbing.

Yellow Yellow Yellow.

Major crash with Yasukawa, J. Lazier, T. Bell, Kosuke. Replay shows Bell gets sideways and sets it all off.

Boles: "Looks like he got a little bit loose." Sha. When you're sideways on the track, um, yeah, that's a "little bit loose." Boles says Hornish cut Bell off and maybe forced him to lift. (I imagine my homeys at DRR scream "We got screwed!" right here).

Back to Chip for still more air time. It's the Chip Ganassi Show. Chip says this business is chicken one days and feathers the next. One day you get not a sniff of air time and the next day you fire someone and get to be on camera for two hours during the race.

Rookie sensation Ryan Briscoe is Chip's only hope now.

Scheckter's crew accuses Wheldon of blocking. NO WAY. I'm sure Brian would crack down on that. Panther must be wrong.

Jamie with Roger Penske. Penske says it's a "real trophy dash" now.

IRL warns Herta not to pull a Helio and jump the restart or, well, he'll get a stern talking to from race control!

Wheldon may have flipped off Kanaan. Most likely they were calling plays or doing rock-paper-scissors to see who was going to get to go ahead.

Green-green-green.

Scheckter gets a push from Buddy Lazier, gets by Kanaan who was victim of the dreaded Dirty Air. Kanaan takes it third. Scheckter goes low. Then high. Forces Kanaan below the white line. Payback for Kansas.

Checkers: Herta, Wheldon, Scheckter, Kanaan, Sam.

ABC spares us the post race group burn out. The rest of the AGR 4-pack joins Herta in victory lane. Those guys probably go to the can together.

©2005 Bill Zahren