Notes from SunTrust Indy Challenge (Richmond) 2005

Notes from the ESPN2 broadcast of the Sun Trust Indy challenge, 6/25/05

Video of Tony Kanaan going butt-first into the wall during qualifying. TK says he was "trying to hard" and crashed it. Upside: he gets to be in the same row as Danica (last row).

Jamie Little (get her in a car!) back on the Danica beat. Jamie is about a foot taller than Danica. Showed how Danica struggled at Phoenix. Talked about Danica's attending the premier of Herbie. Danica said it was fun because she gets to wear some of the dresses she doesn't normally get to wear. Says she prefers to be interviewed by Jamie. A moment of bonding there. Jamie says Danica has been nominated for a prestigious ESPY for "Breakout Athlete of the Year" one of the most prestigious nominations ever. Danica is happy about it. Jamie declares that Danica Patrick has "the world in the palm of her hand." I think Jamie went to the same School of Hyperbole as Todd Harris.

Todd Harris announces that Sammy is the one to watch. Talks about the Watkins Glen tests and rookie sensation Ryan Briscoe. Dr. Punchy says the key for Scheckter is Patented Chevy Power, Perfect Pit Stops and Patience to get to the Podium. The ABC/ESPN writers have clearly taken it up a notch.

Green-green-green. Todd: "We've got great Firestone Firehawk tires and no protests. The green flag is out and all 22 riders are ready to race at Richmond." Todd takes a shot at F-1! I like it. Bernie later phones Todd and calls him an air conditioner (OK, I made the Bernie part up.)

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Quatro does a 360 in the back stretch. No contact. Grandpa chews his ass a little. Situation normal.

TK up to 16th from 22nd. Danica is 20th. Plucky. Doing a hell of a job.

Green-green-green.

Lap 28, Sam is closing in on lapping people. Not Danica! No way. She cannot be lapped! OK, she's lapped at lap 32. Todd has to take a minute in the booth.

Big news flash of this race is Toyota is not sucking. This is a non-sucking Toyota event.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. The winner of the First Car Out Pool is anyone who had Scott Dixon. Got together with Dario and you know that wasn't Dario's fault. Scott should have taken the wall rather than getting together with Dario who has places to be and helicopters to fly, baby. Dario is undamaged but Dixon is toast. Later Dixon says it was his fault. Says he didn't know he was down there. Dixon is a stand up guy.

Jamie post-crash with a Target guy (Mike Hull). Jamie: Just watching the replay what did you see? Target guy: Champions don't win races by being impatient. Jamie: What did you see? Target guy: What I just said. Jamie: Frustration here, Dr. Punch?

I'm with you, Jamie. Kind of cryptic response. I think he was trying to say that Dixon got in a hurry or something. Not sure. Maybe Jack the Root could translate for us. He's always talking like that.

Danica is not pitting. Danica has severe understeer. Other Rahal cars are complaining about crap cars as well. First shot of Danica Cam. Yep, there she is, turning the steering wheel with a Herbie sticker in the background. This is a thrilling shot that looks exaclty the same every time they go to it. It would be a cool shot during a crash, possibly.

Yellows at Richmond chew up about 20 laps each, I swear.

Green-green-green.

Penskes are on the Rahal cars like White on Rice. Baaaaaaa. They're a swarming. Danica is up to 18th! Doing a heck of a job. She gains a position after every wreck. Showing some serious skill there.

Vitor interview about Danica: Every driver wants the attention for himself. But they understand that Danica brings the pub to the series. Maybe if Vitor put on a thong and was spread-eagle on a ... never mind.

Rookie Sensation in her only appearance on the Eastern Seaboard is 17th.

Buddy is dropping like a rock. Buddy is going 140 mph. It's so bad that even the announcers notice it. Some kind of mechanical difficulty.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Rookie sensation Ryan Briscoe is into the wall. Hornish reports major understeer. Danica up to 16th! She gains a position with every yellow, I'm telling ya.

Penke twins get great pit stops. Ryan is sweating. This is the fifth or sixth time that Scott and Todd have told us it's very hot. It's hot out. You sweat when it's hot. The drivers, therefore, are sweating.

Hornish 5th, Kanaan 10. Rice 14. Danica 16. Carpenter 20. Rice is fading fast.

Lap 111-- Dario, Sharp, Herta, Helio, Sam, Vitor, Wheldon, Carpentier, Enge, Kanaan, Scheckter, Danger Mouse (Manning).

We're on board with Herbie, er, Danica.

Video of Danica getting passed. Todd: "Danica is just being patient. Give her credit. She's holding up."

Dario about to lap TK? No wait, that's Kite. Yellow-yellow-yellow. TK and Vitor get together. TK gets too low and wiggles, takes out Vitor. Later says thank God he didn't take out his teammate (Herta). Hey Rahal, no harm, no foul, huh, baby?

Sharp pits. Gets waved out before fuel hose is detached. Gets it stopped before he pulls a Hornish and sets the pit on fire. Close call.

TK in and gets a new nose. It's a very large nose (har). No, seriously, gets a new nose on his car. Does a couple yellow laps and parks it. First DNF since sometime in the Carter Administration for Tony.

Hyping your chance to see Rookie Sensation Danica at Kansas on the fourth of July! Should have a good shot at it since Rahal seems to have it wired on the big speedways. The handling tracks, not so much, but the big tracks, sure.

Eddie gets air time for a good reason! First time all season. Cars are up front. Jamie asks him how it's going. Eddie gives shouts out to drivers.

Video of Sharp. Looks like he's driving a sprint car. The ass end is all over the place. Serious dirt track feel to it. He's a DNF waiting to happen, I'm thinking.

Penske Twins off to the races. Out by themselves. Whoa Nelly, Sam goes ass-first into the wall. Yellow-yellow-yellow. The dreaded "dirty air" is the probably culprit.

Danica up to 13th. I make a bet with myself: Five bucks says if there are enough DNFs to get Danica into the top 10 Todd Harris gives her a big shout out at the finish. I swear I bet myself at this point in the race. Todd gives Danica a shout out for having the composure to lift up her visor and wipe sweat out of her eyes. During yellow! She did this during a yellow flag! That's major composure only shown by about everyone on every track at every level of racing. Goodyear tells Todd as much. Yellows are when drivers get to relax a little bit.

Green-green-green. Lap 181 -- Helio, Dario, Sharp, Carpentier, Wheldon, Scheckter, Enge, Barron, Manning, Herta. Danica is turning 160 mph laps and is two laps down. Quatro turns a 159.

Sam post-crash interview which ESPN does side-by-side with race action, which is a good move. Sam says the crash was "driver error." God I love Sam's standup-ish-ness. Sam says he was just pushing too hard. I swear Hornish could drive an Indy car with five inches of play in the steering wheel. He's the best with a bad car out there.

Danica is up to 11th. 6 cars are out. 16 are left.

Kite is dicing it up with Enge et al. Enge does a major block job like, three times. Barnhart is cracking down and gives him a drive through penalty. Panther guys yells "We got SCREWED" into the mic. Enge was going to contend, baby, and he got screwed by the man. Goodyear says maybe they should check the replay. I tend to agree. Enge was all over the place more than once.

Yellow-yellow-yellow. Danger Mouse and Yasukawa get together. Danger Mouse is hot. Wants to discuss it with Roger. Let's go to the replay. Looks like Danger dove down into Roger. Hard to say. Didn't seem to warrant the "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" reaction Manning had going though. Tough break for Chippy. Goes 0-3 on the race. Three scrapped cars, three DNFs.

Gonna be a one-lap restart. Quatro is second in line between Dario and Helio. Pulls into the pits before the restart. Class. Seriously. I don't see Dario doing that in the same position. Major shout outs to AJ and Quatro. No way Helio doesn't win this restart. He'll be on the gas coming out of turn two.

Helio wins. Todd says Helio has "done to fences what Hugh Hefner did for pajamas." No idea where they come up with this stuff. I do prefer the fence climbing to the donuts, though. Dr. Punchy declares Helio has done the IMPOSSIBLE by coming back from a shoulder bruise to win Richmond. Another graduate of the University of Hyperbole. Yeah, it was tough and impressive, but IMPOSSIBLE?

No Danica interview, but, Todd says, "Danica Patrick finishes in the top 10 (tenth), an impressive performance for her." I owe myself five bucks. It was easy money.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

F-1 Drivers too Heartbroken to Race, Ecclestone Loses His Grip

Note: This is all made up. Fiction. Didn't really happen. (Except for the Ecclestone appliance quote. That's real.)

The bizarre race-day pull out of 14 F-1 teams from the U.S. Grand Prix on June 19 and Formula 1 chief Bernie Ecclestone's more bizarre comments recently have been traced back to a common event.

Insiders say both stem from a deep, emotional hurt created when Indy phenom Danica Patrick (5'-1", 100 pounds) decided not to do some exhibition laps in an F-1 car as part of race weekend festivities.

Patrick was scheduled for an exhibition run in a Honda powered car, but pulled out after Rahal-Letterman sponsors and the IRL hierarchy went "ape shit" at the idea of Patrick even looking at an F-1 car, let alone driving one.

"The drivers, they were all crushed at the news" said one F-1 insider. "They spent the night getting pissed (drunk) and then went out to warm up, all hung over, but all they could think was 'This would have been so much better if Danica had been out here first.' So they just walked off. Quit. Couldn't drive with the tears running down their faces."

Officials said the embarrassed teams concocted the widely reported story that the team's Michelin tires could not handle the stress caused by parts of the course. The six drivers who did stay included eventual "winner" Michael Schumacher.

"I saw no reason to quit the race," Schumacher said in the days after his "win." "I mean, I was in the field, so there's no reason for people to be upset or quit for the girl. When she gets to be as huge as I am, then we can talk. I also don't know what the fans were complaining about. Again, they got to see me win, so what's the problem?" The other five cars who ran the race reportedly took their cues from Schumacher.

There was no immediate comment on how the tragic turn of events would effect Patrick's race at Richmond this weekend. ABC/ESPN had assigned Danica Patrick authority, Paul Harris (himself inconsolable over Danica's decision not to cruise in an F-1 car), to get the scoop. "I'll find out how this is going to play out with the Mother Teresa of racing," Harris said.

Even F-1 boss Ecclestone, under intense criticism from fans who shelled out major coin to watch a 6-car parade, seemed to lose his grip over Patrick's decision not to drive.

In a call to Patrick and again in a later interview, Ecclestone appeared to be speaking in tongues. Among the comments Ecclestone actually made (I'm not making this part up) was that "Women should be all dressed in white like all other domestic appliances.''

"I just didn't make sense of it,'' Patrick actually said during an IRL teleconference actually reported by the AP. "I was surprised, I guess, somebody would say that to me."

In response, Rahal-Letterman co-owner David Letterman announced "Ecclestone will never sit his billionaire ass on my guest couch, I can assure you." Patrick said she was used to being compared to something hot, like a microwave, but not anything on the refrigerator order.

In other news, reports that female NASCAR drivers Erin Crocker and Allison Duncan threw popcorn at the back of Patrick's head during the "Herbie: Fully Loaded" premiere could not be confirmed.

Friends Worry Castroneves May Cross Dresss to Regain Media Spotlight

Note: This is all fiction. Most every word of it. (Helio did show up with a Danica shirt on, that part is true).

Friends and family of Marlboro Team Penske driver Helio Castroneves have become concerned that his fondness for media attention may soon cause some desperate fashion choices.

The disturbing trend started when two-time Indy 500 champion Castroneves wore a Danica Patrick T-shirt to the autograph session on June 8 in the Dallas area. The official explanation was that Helio lost a bet with Luke de Ferran, son of former Indy racer Gil de Ferran, about whether he would finish ahead of Danica Patrick at the Indy 500. Patrick was fourth; Castroneves ninth.

Insiders, however, saw it as a shocking cry for attention from the gregarious Brazilian who has a reputation for climbing fences when he wins. Castroneves' last victory came in October 2004 on a controversial restart. Lately Helio has consistently finished behind teammate, Sam Hornish, Jr.

And all drivers have lately lived in the short shadow of IRL Rookie Sensation, Savior and Meal Ticket, Danica Patrick (5-1, 100 pounds). Insiders fear that Castroneves hasn't taken it well and settled on the "if you can't beat them, join them" strategy.

"OK, we found some boxes for women's fashion boots outside Helio's motor home, sure," said a member of his staff, "but that does not mean Helio purchsed the boots. Same size as he wears, but lots of people wear that size. Hey, he has small feet, OK?"

IRL watchers weren't so convinced. "All I'm saying is, if Helio shows up in a skirt and boots and says he 'lost a bet,' I'm sure not buying it," said an IRL pundit. "That's a cry for help, my friends."

In other news, the positive reaction to Danica's starting third and finishing 13th at Texas Motor Speedway June 11 caused the president of the Sarah Fisher fan club to release the following statment: "WTF?"

Government Probes Holmes/Cruise "Situation"

Note to the gullible: this is all fiction. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are a couple, but that's about where the truth ends.

National Security experts were summoned to an emergency meeting at the White House recently to study the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes situation for possible Al Qaeda links.

"We're just a little concerned that it's too perfect," said one National Security Council insider. "And both (Secretary of Defense) Don (Rumsfeld) and (Secretary of State) Condi (Rice) thought Katie was laughing just a little too hardily on the cover of Us Weekly. Condi especially said 'I think she's under some external influence.' "

Government officials note the 17 year difference in age between Tom Cruise who is 43 and Katie Holmes who is 26. And the fact that Katie has had a crush on Tom ever since his role in Risky Business when Katie was 4 years old.

"You gotta admit, that's a little twisted," said a senior security expert.

Administration officials were initially willing to let the tabloids investigate the authenticity of the Cruise/Holmes relationship, until one fateful day when Rice was in the checkout lane of her local Piggly Wiggly.

"One of my security guys came back from fetching me some sea salt in aisle five and said, matter-of-factly, 'I wonder if Cruise really thinks Katie is the First Daughter?' " recalled Rice. "Well, I called Don (Rumsfeld) on the spot and we decided that, plus his whole Scientology thing, was enough for us to make some inquiries."

Holmes played the president's daughter, Samantha Mackenzie, in the 2004 movie First Daughter. Michael Keaton played the president.

"George Bush does look a little bit like Michael Keaton, especially from the left side, so we got a little nervous," said one Secret Service official. Officials have also doubled the guard around Bush's real daughters, Jenna and Barbara, "just as a precaution."

Holmes' own gushing comments on the relationship have only fueled speculation that something sinister is afoot. "I feel like he's made my life. He's amazing. He's kind, he's generous, he's smart, he's Tom Cruise," Holmes gushed to the Boston Herald. "He's the most artistic man I've ever met; he's a joy;, he makes me laugh like I've never laughed. He's the most wonderful being.''

There has also been swirling rumors that the whole deal is just a stunt to get publicity for Holmes' latest movie, Batman Begins and Cruise's flick, War of the Worlds, which both open this summer.

An online movement to "rescue Katie" (which many suspect is also a publicity stunt) has sprung up at FreeKatie.net. The site declares, "McLaughlin Cameron Designs invites you to join the movement to liberate Katie, a young, gifted, actress held captive by forces we may never understand. Even one summer of captivity is too long for one so bright!"

President Bush had no comment, other than "I'm a big fan of Michael Keaton. He's a handsome guy."

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Texas Motor Speedway 2005 Bombardier Learjet 500k Notes

Notes from the ESPN broadcast of the Bombardier Learjet 500k at Texas Motor Speedway on 6/12/05

Welcome to the standard ESPN/ABC IRL race opening, a montage of Danica, complete with an ode to Danica rap song and the term "rookie sensation" used upwards of 213 times. Some of my favs, "the five-foot dynamo that has put the buzz back into the IRL" She's interviewed in the Herbie cap. They been reading my blog! The Herbie thing is my idea. I should get an autographed Lindsay Lohan photo out of it at a minimum.

This just in from the Dallas Morning News (6/10/05 Q&A with Terry Blount), Danica dissing the females:

Q: Can you appreciate those women that came before you, Lyn St. James, Janet Guthrie, Sarah Fisher, and would you be here in this position if it weren't for them?

PATRICK: I respect them, I acknowledge the fact that what they've done has helped, as they always say, pave the way. I think that everything that women do along the way that's good, helps. The things they do if they're bad, hurt, and they just keep reaffirming that there's not been a woman that has really been able to do it yet. Would I be here without them? I mean, the right thing to say is no, but I don't know. I think it's individually based. And just because I'm going out here and doing what I'm doing doesn't mean that all of a sudden there are more women that can do it. You have to have it in you. And I don't think that just because what I'm doing is going to mean that they all of a sudden have talent. They don't. Not all guys do either. There's just a lot more of 'em. (I added the italics.)

Well la-tee-da. Danica's got the rookie sensation racer attitude, you gotta give her that. Maybe she didn't mean to also diss Lyn St. James, but that's how it reads to me. But, I digress. We now return to the regularly scheduled ABC/ESPN Rookie Sensation Lovefest.

Video of Danny Wheldon sporting an "I actually WON the Indy 500" T-shirt. Nice. Jamie Little (put her in a car!) has moved off the Danica beat and now interviews Danny. No mention of Danica during the interview. Shocker!

Tomas and Tomas from Panther get some air time. Crazy. They're Chevy drivers and everything. Scheckter reminds me of Chis Martin from Cold Play. A little bit. Maybe it was the shades. No Gwynth-ish babe lurking in the background, though.

Close up of the famous wing that Enge picked out of the wreckage and put on ebay, complete with Danica autograph. Video of Danica in the car, gloveless, and not sporting those monsterous diamond rings of hers.

ESPN is giving Dan even more air time. Clearly trying to make up for the Indy Danica Love Festival.

Commercials. Capital One Card. One for a drug for genital herpes. Not sure what that says about the demographic.

Vitor and Herta gets some air time. Holy cow. What's going on here? These guys who finished second and third at Indy getting some air time? Who's idea? They have funny smart-ass HELLO MY NAME IS nametags on that say "I finished second (or third) in the Indy 500." I dig it.

Jamie Little with the American Chopper guys. I have no note indicating they even mentioned Danica. This might be a record of non-Danica mentions. Something around four minutes. Ratings may dive.

Booth guys put the crowd at 100,000. Either TMS is MAMMOTH or a lot of them are wearing empty seat camouflage. Pretty big crowd, though, especially for an IRL race. Usually big at TMS.

Cut to a snappy, "high-energy" montage complete with vintage video of AJ slapping Arie in the head. Go Time! If it happened today, I'd say that AJ must have thought Arie was a Toyota rep or something.

Green-green-green.

Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Kite into the wall on lap 7. Gives us time for our first Danica check. Reports of Danica taking multiple lines in the same lap. Not very sensational. Announcers shilling the Richmond race. "Her only appearance on the Eastern Seaboard" like Danica is U2 on a concert tour or something. If Danica likes Texas, wait until she gets into the little Richmond bull ring. Killer Cheever quote comes to mind here: "Like flying a jet fighter in a gymnasium." BAM. That's why we love Eddie. Too bad Dead Bull racing gets exactly zero air time lately.

We're on board with Danica for the first of many times. Pretty cool shot in the cockpit looking back at her. Too bad they never show it during green (that I can remember) always a yellow shot. The Herbie 53 number is in full effect. Again, it was my idea.

Weldon is 4th. Lap 16, green-green-green-green.

Dan and Sam nearly touch. Goodyear about has a stroke over it. Todd wonders if it will throw off Danica (OK, I made that last sentence up). Danica check: 13th. Started 3rd. Not so good. Now she's 14th.

Buddy is toast. No gears. Stops on the UPS logo. Maybe waiting delivery of a gearbox. Safety crews get there. Nice video of them dragging the car off like a dead water buffalo. That's gotta suck as a driver; sitting in the car and having it dragged off.

Danica check: 13th. Scheckter pits. Out in 4th on Yellow. Kanaan stays with old tires.

Green-green-green

Scheckter around Sam on the high line. Irony savored (someone going around Sam on the high line). Yellow-Yellow-Yellow. Enge is toast. "No power" he says. That's a problem. Maybe ignition.

Roger Yasukawa 10th after starting 18th. Props to my homeys at DRR.

Green-green-green. Yellow-yellow-yellow. Vision into the wall. Wall Vision. Tony George gets some air as an owner. Got the concerned owner look down cold. Many replays. Goodyear says the right front went flat. Gives Ed props for getting it up high so he wouldn't take out anyone. Speculation that Ryan Briscoe and Ed touched.

Todd Harris actually said, "If you're a Danica Fanica ..."

Chippy says Briscoe and Ed got together. That'll be the last air time for Chippy.

We're green. Danica check: Up to 9th! Making her charge forward, possibly. Yasukawa is 7th. Vitor gets passed by about five people. Must have missed a gear or something. Nutty. Danica back to 12th.

More pearls from Todd: "Dan Wheldon is like bad luggage -- he will not go away."

Kosuke almost darts Tony. They're bobbing and weaving like two punch prize fighters. Penske Twins are behind Scheckter. Helio gets way wiggly. Goodyear about has another stroke. Weldon has 63 laps on his tires. Many shout outs to Firestone.

Danica update: Let's check the ESPN online pole. Will Danica win this year? My notes say 59% said yes. My notes must be wrong. I'd think it would be way higher than that. Danica report from the pits: She's in 12th. Everything is fine. Conserving fuel. Uh huh. Right.

Let's go to some video of Dan Wheldon being asked if he's tired of Danica getting all the pub. "I don't care. Who gives a shit?" he says. They bleeped the "shit." Dan looks and sound testy. Churlish, even. Talks about how his mug will be on the Borg Warner and not hers. I'm pretty sure Dan won't be going shoe shopping with Danica any time soon. Maybe if Dan slaps on a thong and goes spread-eagle in front of a .... never mind.

Helio pits. Todd says it might not be scheduled. Goodyear says it's scheduled. Pit reporter sides with Scott. Hornish in. No argument over this one (scheduled vs. not scheduled). Sharp in. Actually blocks a crew chief on the way down pit road. (I made that up). Danica pits! In-car video of Danica pitting. Doing a great job.

TK leads. Dario then Herta. AGR up front. Manning and Dixon get some air -- too bad it's in a Target commercial. Pretty sure nobody on the broadcast said either "Manning" or "Dixon" the whole entire broadcast. Seriously, I don't think Manning has gotten a second of air all year. Only reason Dixon and Briscoe have is they've been in accidents. These are lean days for the Chipster.

Lap 129. TK, Helio, Sam. I think Dixon is actually tenth. Danica check: 13th. Danger Mouse is 17th.

Commercial. Guy pulling a dead car. I think it's a Toyota commercial. Every time I see it I think the guys pulling the old crap cars look a lot like non-Penske Toyota teams. Maybe it's just me.

We're back. Helio last won in October 2004 when he jumped the restart by about half a lap, took the win and got a $50,000 fine if I remember right. Hey, whatever works I guess, but that's a pretty expensive fence to climb.

TK dropping back a bit. Don't got the car to stay up front today. Can get to the lead but not hold it. Danica 12th. TK goes into the grass and then gives Helio a donut on the side pod. Crazy driving out there! Brian Barnhart wears the frowny face. Announcers said Barnhart told the drivers in meetings "no three wide!"

Jamie interviews Buddy Lazier. Going to be back in the car at Nashville and in Michigan. Cool. Buddy drove the hell out of his Chevy at Indy. Did so well that even ABC noticed amid the Danica Show.

But let's go back to Danica for a minute. Danica is 11th. May get lapped! ABC/ESPN producers get debris ready to throw on the track for a yellow if she looks to be in danger of getting lapped. (Made that up.) Leaders cycle into the pits. Todd Harris is trying his best to bleed the Danica hype dry "Will there be enough time for Danica to make a move from 13th?" Ah, only if she has a GE aircraft engine strapped back there, Todd. Not even Danica is that good of a driver.

Sharp is second, but he's all over the place. I'm thinking he gets pulled over for weaving like that on the freeway. Maybe I had a bad angle, but there was a lot of bobbing going on.

11 to go, and we have an ESPN 30 at 30 update. Horrid timing. Side-by-side with 11 to go with TK up front and Hornish off Scheckter's right rear. Not good. I think a pass for the lead actually came during the 30 at 30 bit.

Speaking of, I'm thinking there's no bigger nightmare for an IRL driver than to have Hornish hanging off your right rear with under 10 to go. He's like Gretsky behind the net back there, setting up shop. Penske and Scheckter working together to get by Kanaan. The non-Hondas are ganging up on the AGR and Rahal teams. I love this. Danica check: 13th.

Sam can't make the famous Hornish Turn 4 Slingshot move. Scheckter breaks the curse. A non-Honda wins! Sun freezes.

Scheckter (I don't believe did any donuts). This is very refreshing to me. I love Tomas more and more. He made a couple victory laps and headed for winner circle. Fabulous. Let's rush over and interview Danica. She talks about having a lot to learn as a rookie at Texas. Very true. No mention of her height and weight in the interview, though. May be a first. (Note: I later find out Scheckter did do many donuts and I just spaced if off, apparently.)

Scheckter interview. Gives props to the team. Gives props to Chevy. Barnes says they're going to party like Danicas (celebrities) into the wee small hours. I'd have cracked a beer as Tomas took the checkered if I was him.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Fisher Fans Create Run on Danica Patrick Voodoo Dolls

Note to people who are kind of slow: Everything below is fiction. Made up. Not real. For entertainment only.

Driven into a jealous rage by the success of IRL sensation Danica Patrick, fans of former IRL driver Sarah Fisher have created a boom market for authentic Danica Patrick voodoo dolls, according to the American Voodoo Retailer Association.

Fisher spent six years in the IRL driving cars that had virtually no chance of winning (with the notable exception of 2002 Infiniti-powered ride). In 2005, after failing to find a sponsor for the 2005 IRL campaign, Fisher took a job driving in NASCAR's developmental leagues.

On May 29, Patrick stunned the world by overcoming the handicap of having one of the fastest cars on the track to finish fourth in the Indy 500. The race result, along with the outpouring of rock-star press, has apparently driven Fisher fans to voodoo.

"Sheeeee-it," said one Sarah fan who was shopping for severed chicken feet, "Sarah puts that car on the pole. She wins the race driving one handed while drinking a diet Coke and eating a hot dog. Judas priest. Like this is fair."

After further reflection, the fan amended his bold statement. "Sarah doesn't really have much experience driving cars that aren't trailing a boat anchor, so it may have taken her a few laps to get used to having some actual power."

Other fans didn't take it as well.

"She's the she-devil, Danica Patrick is," screamed one frothing female Fisher fan. "The very spawn of Satan, drapped over a car hood with her butt crack showing. She's stolen Sarah's glory. Give it back lest ye be accursed forever. I'm going to .. gak ..." The woman couldn't finish her sentence after a tranq dart lodged in her neck and rendered her immediately unconscious.

Other fans at least felt small vindication in Patrick's success. "Gee, there's a huge shocker, a woman in a decent car who leads Indy attracts major media. WOW, who'd a thunk it? HELLOOOOOOO. I'm glad the light bulbs finally came on, for chrissakes."

For her part, Sarah Fisher disappointed fans when she declined to join them in wallowing in the seething resentment.

In a statement posted on her Web site, www.sarahfisher.com, Fisher predicted Patrick will be the first woman to win an IRL race. "It takes a lot of patience, practice and perfection to do as well as she did. Even if she has a great team, she still was the one driving the car. There had to have been so much pressure on her this month (May) and she ended it on a great note."

Meanwhile, fans of Sarah Fisher and other female NASCAR racers like Erin Crocker hoped to see them actually on a track, any track, "Sometime before we're all collecting Social-Frickin'-Security. Geeze, these NASCAR feeder series race, what, once every six months?"

In other news, the management of Texas Motor Speedway where the Indy Racing League races Saturday night unveiled plans to paint a giant copy of one of Danica Patrick's famous FHM photos on the infield grass mainly because, well, "Danica is hot."

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Indy Teams Begin Quietly Recruiting Jockeys, League Officials Fear Binge Dieting

Please note: this is all made up. Fiction. For entertainment purposes only. Work with me here.

Evidence is mounting that more and more Indy Racing League drivers may be engaging in dangerous dieting practices in the wake of a 100-pound racer's success.

Also, sources say IRL teams have quietly put out feelers for "jockey-sized people" who can drive.

Although the official league sources declined to comment, insiders say IRL officials are alarmed by the growing reports of empty cases of Trim Spa diet suppliment discovered outside team garages.

The issue of weight first surfaced last week when NASCAR driver Robbie Gordon claimed the weight of demuniative phenom, Danica Patrick, gave her an advantage. Patrick's oft-reported weight is a scant 100 pounds, compared to Gordon's 200-ish-pound girth.

Gordon said the theory is simple, the more weight the car has to carry, the lower its top speed and the more fuel it uses per mile. And, since Indy Car rules specify the minimum weight of the car without the driver, it opens the door door for rail-thin drivers to have an advantage, all things being equal.

“It makes a big difference,” Dan Wheldon, who finished three spots in front Danica Patrick at the Indy 500, told MSNBC.com Monday. “If it didn’t in qualifying, you wouldn’t worry about the fuel. We try to make it basically run out during qualifying, and that’s what a difference of six or seven pounds makes. I definitely think it’s an advantage and I’m pretty sure in due time you’ll have a rule change on that.”

In an ominous admission, Wheldon also told MSNBC.com the rules have forced the IRL drivers to be as light as possible." A lot of us have changed our training regimen for that,” he said. “I’m not lifting as much weight as I used to, and I’m running like a son of a gun.”

Officials now fear Indy drivers will run like sons of a gun to GNC to load up on questionable diet aids. They also fear IRL drivers will start behaving like high school wrestlers in a Lifetime made-for-TV movie -- going without food the day before the race or whatever it takes to cut weight.

"About the last thing you need are a bunch of drivers loaded up on laxatives so they can be two or three pounds lighter on race day," said one insider. "And, if these guys and gals all stop drinking beer, well, there goes the league as far as I'm concerned. Hell, I think AJ once drove the 500 with an open beer in his hand."

Elsewhere, rumors swirlled that leading IRL teams had put ads in horseracing trade pubs for jockeys who "wanted to get their careers on the fast track and ride something that will never shit on them." The ads, apparently, were not placed by Toyota-powered teams.

Most non-Penske Toyota teams, however, said they weren't concerned with the weight rule since Casper the Friendly Ghost, who is technically weightless, couldn't put there cars in victory circle.

In other news, Vitor Meira, who finished second in the Indy 500 and two places in front of teammate Danica Patrick, was considering changing his name to "Vitoria." Also, "The guy who finished in front of Danica" became the sixth most searched phrase on Google.

© 2005 Bill Zahren