Indy 500 Race Notes

Notes taken during the ABC broadcast of the Indy 500 on 5/29/05

Jim sings Back Home Again in Indiana

Mary Hulman George makes the first mistake by saying "Lady and gentlemen, start your engines!" Instead of "Danica and 32 other people, start your engines." Brian Barnhart gives Mary a stop-and-go penalty.

Hornish looks like Darth Vader in his helmet.

Todd Harris and Scott Goodyear in the booth.

We get a story about Todd taking a ride in Dario's chopper rather than watching the parade laps. My viewing experience is enhanced.

Jamie with Danica's mom, Bev.

Video of Colin driving the pace car. The General looks pretty rakish behind the wheel. I'm digging his whole schwerve. Should maybe test for somebody.

Green flag, green flag, green flag!

Sammy into first. The force is with him.

Danica sixth. ABC will make sure we know, at all times, where Danica is.

Bourdais is 14th, Brack is 21st

Turn 1 is defanged by the new grinding. They go in there three wide all day.

Danica Update -- 7th.

We're onboard with Dario.

Danica Update -- 6th

Dario blows by Sam.

Danica Update - 6th and doing great!

Commercial. Toyota tells us about creating 200,000 jobs in the U.S. So don't hate Toyota. They employ Americans!

Back to racing. Danica update -- she's in 5th.

In-car with Danica as she gets blocked by Helio Hipcheck. Obvious block. Announcers say Barnhart is going to take a look at that. Sure. Right. He's right on that.

Lap 17 getting lapped traffic already. 11:45 into the race.

Danica Patrick is doing a lot of steering. Maybe the car is loose. Maybe she likes to turn the wheel. Much speculation.

Larry Foyt into the wall at the 12 minute mark. Shades of last year. Just lost the ass end of it.

Helio makes a cat-quick move to get around the mangled car. Huge move. Amazing reflexes. Major shout out to Helio.

I realize right here that the voice over for the Argent ads is a friend of mine. Swear to God. Her name is Jennifer.

Plucky Danica is in 4th.

Sharp runs over a hose. No penalty. Barnhart is cracking down.

It occurs to me that Sharp needs to stay out of Danica's box. BAAAAAAAA.

Helio hipcheck's Buddy Lazier on the restart.

Um, could we have more commercials. I think we had about 12 in the first 15 minutes.

I tried to access the scoring on the IRL site. It's in the dirt, big time. Toast.

Patrick is 5th and still plucky at the 31:35 mark of the race.

Manning is 26th. So much for Chippy. He's comforted by the fact that Toyota has created 200,000 jobs in the U.S., though. Dixon is still in it I think. ABC doesn't see past the top 6, or wherever Danica is.

Weldon is 9th. Junkie is 10th.

Sammy puts a killer move on to pass two at once at the 33:51 mark. Goodyear "he went into 7-11 and passed them by." May be the line of the race.

Danica Update --5th. Kenny 18th. Roger Yasukawa 17th. Bourdais 12th. Junkie is 6th.

Evander Holyfield is going to be on some show where celebrities learn to ballroom dance and people get to vote on who stays and go. Like American Idol only with dancing. Who thought of this?
David Letterman gets his first air time at about the 45 minute mark.

Danica pits. Does a great job! She's the greatest.

Danger Mouse and Dixon get air time -- too bad it's in a Target commercial. I don't think Manning had one second of air time during the race.

Dancia leads lap 56 as everyone cycles through. Huge. Stop the Presses. Todd Harris says it's enormous.

Bruno is 6th, not that the announcing team would mention it.

Russell Crow gets interviewed. My viewing experience is enhance. Russell is for the Australian in the field and he New Zealander and, of course, Danica.

In camera of Weldon blowing by an Off Target car.

Again, a Dancing with the Stars, commercial. At first I thought it was a spoof ad and someone was going to say "but I saved 15% on my car insurance." But it appears to be real.

Bruno into the wall at lap 102. Crap. Looks like Quatro darted him.

Much talk here about who's fault it was. Silly Quatro, he thought he was in the race to actually race when, given his engine and other circumstances, he's clearly in the field to fill it out and should go high and into the wall himself, if necessary, to give everyone with a real engine room to get around him.

Danica is doing a marvelous job.

Danica stalled the car in the pits. Stalled it, then couldn't get it restarted because she had the clutch in or something. Rookie mistake. Harris gives her a shout out for being very calm! Outstanding calmness on Danica's part.

Post-crash interview, Quatro sounds drunk. Better give him an MRI scan or something.

Goodyear hits the nail on the head: "He's a very talented young driver unfortunately he doesn't have equipment under him." Applies to about 2/3 the field.

Let's go to Jack the Root for the annual Firestone commercial. Talks to the Firestone guy about how great Firestone tires are.

Danica back to 16th. Oh, we'll keep an eye on her.

Junkie has back pain. Going to get checked out. IMS is hard on backs. Last we hear about him.

Commercial: Budweiser ad stresses it's the only major beer owned by Americans. Many flags in this add.

Brack is toast at the 1:21 mark.

Bourdais is 9th. Danica up to 15th. Setting up the story line of her epic charge to the front.

Hornish owns the high line. He's a freak up there. Drives OUTSIDE Kaanan.

Scott Sharp is third. Helio is 13th. Buh-bye Helio. Spotter reminds him that Toyota employs 200,000 Americans. (I made that up.)

Danica, 14th. I feel a "charging bravely from the back to lead again!" story line coming up.

Brack out. Something to do with the suspension.

Jack goes for the interview, but it's so loud, that Kenny can't hear Jack's "write your won chapter" lead in. Moment is ruined. Just ask the question, Jack, and worry about getting us the info, OK, not being Shakespeare down there.

Hearn and Dixon are together. 1:38 mark in the race. First time Dixon gets any air. Ganassi is now down to Briscoe. Not a good sign.

Lap 122. Danica 12th. Plucky Danica riding that ultra fast car up to the front!

Hornish is again the master of the High Line.

Helio 15th and dropping fast. No fences for him today.

Bourdais is 7th. Champ Car is frothing about it.

Scheckter is 8th.

Harris actually says Danica is "recomposed as only Danica can." She's one of a kind out there.

Kosuke and Danica rub tires. Imagine if he took her out. There would be death threats.

Bourdais up to 8th. Sam is the top Toyota at 5th. Scheckter is dropping like a rock, back to 12th. No explanation from ABC because it doesn't involve Danica.

Ashley and Wynonna together in one shot. BAM. That's huge.

Sam into the wall. SHIT!

Hearn interview -- Didn't see Scott. Didn't hear the spotter. Hearn takes the blame. Stand up guy.

Commercial.

No restarts will be televised today, apparently. They all happen during commercial. And that "side-by-side" stuff, that's just when the adds are free and on 0.5 rating IRL telecasts.

During Hornish interview, Danica lights the tires and gets sideways. "Did she get checked up on?" Todd asks, springing to the defense.

Danica in the pits, urging everyone to hurry so they can stay on the lead lap. Ah, correct me if I'm wrong, but the pits are closed after an accident, yes? Except for Danica. Is there a penalty for that?

Bobby says, "No harm no foul." Ah, tell that to Scheckter et al whom she drilled by going sideways. Oddly, there's no post-crash interview with Scheckter. I think she got Enge and Bucknum too. ABC apparently thinks it's none of our business who got knocked out by Danica's restart. I wonder out loud what the reaction would have been if Kosuke did what Danica did? No harm no foul?

Lap 163 green. Danica 10th. Bourdais is 4th.

Toyota commercial -- "What's holding you back." Roger Penske would probably say: "Toyota engines."

Erectile Dysfunction Drugs love the Indy 500. After seeing their ad about 19 times, I'm considering getting some, for when the time is right.

Roger Yasukawa blows up. Gets first air of the day. He blew up during the commercial.

Todd Harris says this, I swear, I got it right off my vidoe tape, "Mark this date, May 29, 2005, as you witness a history-making performance. 50 years from now you will remember where you were when Danica Patrick made not only motor sports history but she joined the likes of Amelia Earhart and Sally Ride in a barrier-braking performance in the 89th Indy 500."

Harris is going insane. He says, on lap 176, I swear, I checked the tape: "The entire racing world is tuning to see if Danica Patrick can turn the trick and win the 89th edition of the Indy 500." Um, "turn the trick." Isn't that a phrase for what prostitues do? WTF?

Harris is out of control: "Are the stars lined up, blue sky is out .."

History in the making -- we're taking a quick break (because history, schmistory, we gotta pay some bills here)

Weldon passes Danica. Yellow Yellow Yellow. ABC apparently thinks track position on yellow is based on who gets to the yard of bricks first, when, in fact, it depends on where they are on the track when the yellow comes out. This ain't race back to the line, guys.

Many replays of who gets to the start-finished first, which is nice, and yet beside the point, because the yellow wasn't out until they got to turn one. When we came back from the commercial, they finally showed that Weldon was well past when the yellow came on.

Restart. Danica makes a sweet move to get around Wheldon. Shout out to her for popping him on the restart.

Weldon chases her down. Into first. Danica is fading. Running out of fuel? Slow off corners.

Bourdais into the wall. ABC shows the car, but doesn't say who it is. None of our business, I guess. I figure it out later from the message boards. Who cares if he's hurt?

Interview with Mike Andretti. Choked up. "Dan drove a hell of a race." "Honda gave us a great engine."

Dan's radio guy says "You little pissah! (pisser)"

Shots of the pit guys getting crazy. Danny says on the car radio he's in tears. It's tough to hear with all the announcer yammering.

Video of Danica's mom. In-car with Danica coming into the pits. Patricks are great. Great great people.

Down to David Letterman for an interview. He's talking all about Danica. Vitor who? Not a mention of Vitor. Vitor is invisible. Tremendous ability (Danica). Fourth place finish, not bad, very proud co-owner. Vitor? Anyone? You know, the guy who finished SECOND. Anyone? Bueller?

Buddy Lazier is 5th. Got screwed by the yellow. He had 4th if not for the yellow.

Danica interview. Fresh from the car. Impressive. She refused to take the ABC interviewer's bait on how great she is. Admitted rookie mistakes. Glad to have it over. Proud of the team. Said first, second, third-place deserved it. Asked her what she thought about leading on lap 52. She said something like it was just one more lap done. I'm seriously impressed.

Jack the Root in winner's circle. Says to Wheldon, "Welcome to immortality." They take this Indy 500 stuff seriously. Immortality? Shocker -- he didn't ask him about Danica.

Some hat controversy in the Winner's circle. They gave Wheldon a hat, he put it on, someone took it off and put the Firestone hat back on before he drank the milk. Major sponsorship meetings over that one. I couldn't see what the first hat said on it.

Later much wrap up about Danica's courage. She's courageous.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Non-Penske Toyota Owners Don Helmets, Prepare for Annual 500-mile "Bitch-Slapping"

Note to the gullable: This is satire. A parody. Made up. Fiction. A joke. Didn't really happen.

Owners of Toyota-powered cars entered in the Indy 500 will be sporting heavy-duty helmets on race day in preparation for what's expected to be "a severe and sustained bitch-slapping."

The only exception will be owner Roger Penske, whose engineers and mechanics have managed to put at least some life into their Toyota engines.

As for the rest of the teams, the May 29 Indy 500 looks to be yet another long IRL race with no shot at winning.

"Well, after you get bitch-slapped so many times, you just naturally start taking precautions," said one crew chief who sported a formidable helmet. Experts expect Honda-powered cars to (in a shocking development) to dominate the race.

"If you ain't driving a Honda, you're driving for 10th" said one smug Honda-powered team owner. "Getting a non-Penske Toyota up front is like trying to get a pig to fly."

Among the most consistent bitch-slappees is Chip Ganassi, owner of the once-proud and 2003 IRL points champion Target Chip Ganassi Racing team. Powered by Toyota this year, Chippy's three-car squad has only managed five top-ten finishes and zero top five finishes.

Indy legend AJ Foyt's teams have also been getting repeatedly smacked around by the Honda cars. Foyt responded by calling the Toyota engines "crap" and throwing sundry Craftsman wrenches across the garage. Crews had to restrain Foyt as he charged one of his cars with a sledge hammer screaming, "I'll show that car what bitch-slapping is all about."

Confidential sources said the Toyota teams found some comfort in the fact that IMS owner Tony George, who now also owns Toyota-powered Vision Racing, will also received a major bitch-slapping on Sunday. Vision Racing's lone Toyota-powered entry has finished no higher than 16th this year.

Also on the bright side, all the teams that were saddled with one of the biggest pigs in IRL history, the 2003 Chevrolet engine, amused themselves by sending out "Welcome to our world" notes to all the Toyota teams. The notes featured fine calligraphy and rubber pig noses for the team members to wear.

Chevrolet is pulling out of the IRL at the end of this year. "I mean, how stupid do you have to be to show up every week to get bitch-slapped?" said one senior Chevy official. "By bailing at the end of this season, we're simply ending the circle of violence."

Fans and team officials blamed the truckloads of money Honda has poured into R&D as the main culprit of creating the heavily tilted playing field.

Honda estimates it puts "a million, hajillion, fo-fillion dollars" into developing engines that consistently go five miles per hour faster than the fastest non-Penske Toyota.

Penske, who said "Screw Toyota, we're tweaking our own engines" has been largely able to fight off the bitch-slapping and consistently finish in the top five. Insiders agree that's more of a "diss" than a "bitch-slap."

In other news, IRL media darling Danica Patrick confirmed that if her team tries to put her in a pig Toyota, "I am so outta here. I mean, who do they think I am, Sarah Fisher?" said Patrick. To back up her claim, she showed reporters NASCAR vice chairman Brian France's home number programmed into her cell phone.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

NASCAR set to Ban Green-Flag Pit Stops

Note to Einsteins: This and everything on this blog is complete fiction. Amazingly, there's been some confusion.

NASCAR officials plan to ban green-flag pit stops starting with Sunday's Coca-Cola 600, an inside source revealed Thursday.

NASCAR officials decided to make the move as green-flag pit stops become increasingly rare. The last confirmed green-flag pit stop in NASCAR occurred in late 2002, according to league records. In fact, even if NASCAR did nothing, observers expected the trend of increasing car carnage and need for commercial breaks to make the green-flag pit stop obsolete by 2007.

As it was, NASCAR races were averaging so many yellow flags that only the biggest yahoo on the track actually pitted under the green.

"We thought, hell, why wait?" said one NASCAR official who declined to be named. "I mean, take Richmond. What you had there is a 400-lap race with nine caution flags. That's one caution flag every 44 laps (or about 33 miles). Shit, hoss, if you can't get all the pittin' you need when there's a caution flag every 33 miles on average, you shouldn't be drivin.' "

The NASCAR official hastily added that the league "checked with Junior first, a-course" before making the change.

Under the new policy, the pits will be closed whenever the green flag is out. Anyone who was stupid enough to miss a yellow-flag stop would be forced to just run out of gas or smack the wall on really old tires. Either occurrence, ironically, would bring out the yellow flag and allow everyone else to pit.

Veteran crew chiefs said the new rule wouldn't be much of a change. "Hey, when you see drivers going six-wide down the back straight at the Brickyard into turn 3, you might just as well get the tires set out because you know the yellow's coming out and the cars are coming in -- either for fuel and tires or on the back of a wrecker," said one chief.

In other news, NASCAR moved to counter the popularity of Indy Racing League giant Danica Patrick by announcing "Be Kind to the Mrs. Day" at the Coke 600 in Charlotte. Women wearing wedding bands will get 2-for-1 beer until the first caution of the race. Officials said the first yellow might not come out until "lap 8, maybe even lap 12."

Also, the first 10,000 married women in the gate Sunday get a coupon for a complimentary Swiffer duster.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Melee Averted as Patrick and Newman Appear on Letterman

Attention brain surgeons: This and everything on this blog is completely made up. Fiction. Just for laughs. Sheesh.

Sources report Indy Racing League legendary superstar Danica Patrick and acting giant Paul Newman nearly came to blows backstage during a taping of Late Night with David Letterman Monday.

"Newman was talking about his drivers, Sebastien (Bourdais) and Bruno (Junqueira) back stage, talking about how they had a shot to win the Indy 500 this year, and Danica comes up and is all like, 'You want to go?' " said one witness to the scene. "She's all like, 'You want to go, Cool Hand Luke?' Maybe it was stress."

Fortunately yellow-shirted security forces intervened and diffused the conflict when no one could produce a "fight pass."

Fans, who have downloaded an estimated 2.4 million pictures of the 23-year-old, 5' 2", 100-pound dynamo, said the incident was another hopeful sign that Danica has the "fire" to become the first female winner of the storied Indy 500.

"Did you see the way she was all up in Newman's grill?" said one poster to a popular Indy Racing League message board. "I'm telling you, the girl has the fire!"

Newman, who just turned 80, is part owner of a team that put reigning ChampCar champion Bourdais and teammate Junqueira in the field. Bourdais will start 15th and Junqueira will start 12th.

When the taping started, Letterman -- who is part owner of Patrick's Rahal-Letterman Racing team -- gave Patrick an estimated 23-minute introduction, praising her for her extensive brain surgery skills. The taping was interrupted several times as photographers broke through the security phalanx and snapped shots of Patrick.

Each time order was restored when yellow-shirted security forces removed photographers who didn't have a "interrupt Late Night taping" pass.

For his part, Newman seemed unphased by the confrontation or the taping. "All I'm saying is I could drive a Rahal car 224 mph, and I'm 80 for christsakes. I've asked Bruno and Sebastien to save a little milk for me," Newman is quoted as saying. "I won't be there, because Tony George is pure evil and perhaps part of Al Qaeda, but I'll drink it later. Maybe warmed up before bed time."

In other news, MTV Tuesday announced they were very close to signing Patrick to guest host the popular "Punk'd," but "only if the Andretti Green team is first on the list." Also, the LA Times made headlines by writing the first story in 2005 about Patrick that did not mention Sarah Fisher.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Indy Close to Inking Deal with Lindsay Lohan

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

Insiders report the Indianapolis Motor Speedway is just hours away from signing 18-year-old film star Lindsay Lohan to drive in the 89th annual Indy 500.

Lindsay Lohan

"Based on the huge response to Danica Patrick who is, for the record, a babe, we've decided to take this to a new level," said an IMS official who declined to be named. With Lohan and Patrick in the field, IMS officials expected television ratings to climb close to double digits for the first time in years.

The official said Lohan's name came up based on her experience driving an old Volkswagon bug in the upcoming major motion picture, "Herbie: Fully Loaded." In the film, Lohan defeats several of NASCAR's finest.
"That's the kind of talent we need in the IRL," said the official. "One, someone who can drive. Two, a babe. Have you seen Lindsay? I mean, woooo baby. She's a hottie."

Lohan has also starred in "Confessions of a Teenaged Drama Queen," "Freaky Friday" and "Mean Girls." Observers suspect that Lohan's relationship with Disney will help seal the deal. Rumors that Lohan would pilot the same Volkswagon she drove in the Herbie movie at Indy could not be confirmed.

There were some questions if a old Beetle would pass tech inspection, but track officials expected Lohan would get "wide latitude." There was some talk about her driving a spare car from the Vision team, but insiders expected that Lohan would veto such a downgrade in power.

In other news, spectators at Sunday's "bump day" will be given a chance to enter a drawing to win a 500-mile trip in an Indy car.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Kanaan Walks Track Naked, Media Rushes to get Patrick's Reaction

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

Tony Kanaan, the 2005 Indy 500 pole winner, walked the track naked today, an event only captured on film as he walked in back of the thousands of cameras focused on Danica Patrick.

"Danica, Danica, Danica," Kanaan said, sounding a lot like fictional Jan Brady who lived in the shadow of her older, more popular sister, Marcia. "I won the pole! I'm the fastest."

After Kanaan's tirade failed to attract the attention of anyone other than the Indy News Shopper reporter, he stripped off his firesuit and started circling the historic track in the buff.

Kanaan's timing was unfortunate, however, since he picked the exact time IRL superstar Danica Patrick chose to eat some nachos. The resulting media frenzy around Danica's lunch consumption left Kanaan to circle the track virtually unnoticed.

If Kanaan hadn't walked in back of Danica at one point, thereby wandering into the shot, the entire event might have gone unnoticed. Fortunately, a nacho Danica's was biting obscured the most offensive part of Kanaan's walk.

After word of the speedway streak leaked, the media camped out outside the Rahal Letterman trailer trying to get Danica's reaction to Kanaan's nakedness. Danica had no comment on the incident. Kanaan reported only a slight sunburn as a result of his trek.

In related news, IRL points leader Dan Weldon was pondering wearing a Jan Brady jumbo afro wig during the race in a desperate attempt to steal at lease a few seconds of air time away from Patrick.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Indy to give Patrick a "Do Over"

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

Indianapolis Motor Speedway officials Monday announced they were giving rookie driver Danica Patrick a rare "do over" for her pole day run.

"Well, Danica is such a breath of fresh air, such a great young competitor, and, of course, female, so we'd really, really, really like to see her win the pole," said an IMS official who declined to be identified.

The official expected the speedway to announce "We're going to pretend it's still Sunday" just as Patrick took to the track.

In qualifying Sunday, a mistake in turn 1 slowed Patrick enough to land her in fourth place. Patrick said after the run she felt like she had the car to win the pole.

The IMS marketing staff, stumped for any other angles to promote, had heavily promoted Patrick as the "first and hottest female with a shot for the pole." All last week marketers send out hundreds of news releases that said simply, "Danica is FEMALE and she's hot" along with copies of her now-famous "standing by the tires" photo. Several marketing staffers were under suicide watch after Patrick qualified fourth.

IMS officials thought Patrick winning the pole would bring HUGE media exposure that hasn't been seen in roughly 20 years at the speedway. With the prospect of such amazing coverage still in the air, they've reportedly decided to allow Patrick a do-over.

"There's just so much riding on it," said the official. "I mean, look at the crowds for pole day. Maybe 87 people. We need something, anything to jolt some life back into this race."

Andretti Green Racing driver Tony Kanaan, who (in a shocking development) won the pole (barring any re-dos) wasn't having any of it.

"Hey, she got her four laps. I can't help it if she almost went sideways in one. Life is tough sometimes."

If the re-do doesn't happen, IMS marketing readied plans to introduce the first ever Spandex fire suit if the race hadn't sold out by May 20.

Meanwhile, an estimated 89 percent of race fans had no idea that Indy 500 pole competition was going on. They were instead glued to the Hooters pro tour race on SPEED.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

IMS Bans Sale of French Fries

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

In what insiders call "retaliation against Frog invasion," the Indianapolis Motor Speedway today banned the sale of French fries.

"We'll sell Liberty Fries instead because, well, this is one place that supports the troops," said an IMS concession official who refused to give his name.

Insiders suspect that the move is in response to the presence of Frenchman Sebastien Bourdais, reigning Champ Car World Series champion. Bourdais and his teammate, Brazilian Bruno Junqueira, will attempt to qualify for the 89th Annual Indianapolis 500 starting Saturday.

While the presence of the Champ Car champ has some fans hopeful that someone, anyone (Bueller?) will break up the Andretti Green/Rahal Letterman stranglehold on IRL winning, some bitterness apparently lingers France's failure to support the U.S. in Iraq and the 10-year-old IRL-CART split.

The black helicopterists believe some Indy Racing League hard-cores will do anything to throw "Satan's drivers" (Bourdais and Juqueira) off their game and thereby spare the Indy 500 the indignity of being won by a recent Champ Car driver -- again.

The Indy Racing League, which includes the Indy 500, has been criticized by fans for not having enough Amerikin drivers. Critics called the Liberty Fries thing a thinly veiled attempt to shake that image while sticking it to Bourdais.

In other news, a record 187 media outlets reported the breaking news that Danica Patrick is, in fact, female.

© 2005 Bill Zahren

Andretti Green Racing Meets to Decide Indy 500 Winner

Note to the hyper serious: This is all made up. Fiction. You know, satire.

In an unprecedented move, the Andretti Green Racing team met Tuesday (May 10) in Indianapolis to determine who will win the 2005 Indy 500. The meeting came 19 days before the formality of holding the race itself occurs on May 29.

"We'll, heck, it's pretty obvious one of our four cars is going to win," said team owner Michael Andretti. "For us, the biggest problem is figuring out which of the four it will be."

The Andretti Green drivers include Tony Kanaan, Dario Franchietti, Dan Wheldon and Brian Herta.

Andretti said the team has tried various methods to determine which car wins the race. One method was using a bingo-style, air-driven machine that pops a numbered ping-pong ball up at random.

The non-selected drivers aren't told to lose, but they do agree to drive one-handed, which should keep them in the top five but out of first.

Andretti said he used the ping-pong machine throughout the year last year, but considered other options when AG driver Dario Franchietti complained that fellow driver and 2004 Indy Points Champion Tony Kanaan had nine balls in the machine.

Under the threat of having his wife, Ashley Judd, hold a news conference to expose the scandal, Andretti went to a new system. The actual procedure is a closely guarded secret, but it's said to involve a rock-paper-scissors tournament before each race.

AGR team member Dan Wheldon appears to be dominate in that game given his multiple wins so far this season.

"So we have to figure it out," Andretti said. "Everyone wants to win it, and I have to determine if keeping Dario mentally regular requires that he wins or if I can maybe slip dark horse (and fourth AGR driver) Brian Herta in there."

One thing the team seemed united on was stopping the challenge from the upstart Rahal Letterman team. At last year's rain-marred Indy 500, AG driver Buddy Rice won the 500.

"If I have to see Rahal's grinning face again on TV in the winner's circle, I'm going to puke," said Kanaan. "No way he wins this year. And that new driver, Danica Patrick, she's toast. I'll introduce her to the Brazilian Hip Check. We'll throw a block party in her honor, don't you worry."

© 2005 Bill Zahren

IRL Race Notes from Twin Ring, 4/30/05

Notes made during the ESPN broadcast of the IRL race at Twin Ring, Motegi, Japan on 4/30/05

Broadcast starts:

Todd Harris (ABC/ESPN announcer) has a thing for Danica. Can't say "Danica" enough.

Danica mobbed by media after near pole. Still, she disses Sarah Fisher with this:

"I really don't think too much about what other females have done,” Patrick said. “I base my talent off of everybody else in this field. The competition is different now (than in 2002 and ‘03 when Fisher was on the front row). It's the toughest it's ever been.”

Well la-te-da. I guess Sarah's pole was against the second string. But, I refuse to be bitter.

Video of T. Enge rolling it in qualifications. Interview with T. Enge. Says something about falling down and breaking ribs before the crash. He's out.

Toyota on the pole at the Honda track. Irony is savored.

Danica interview. Sounds nervous. I got nothing against Danica, I swear. She's got hose X Men sunglasses going all the time. It's not the same without fellow babe Jamie Little towering over Danica asking her if she's gotten where she's gotten based on looks. Again, that's the pot interviewing the kettle.

Video of fish on a stick. Montage of the crazy concessions they got at Twin Ring. Probably beats an $8 hot dog.

Weldon with the Elvis shades signing autographs.

Video of AJ throwing tools! AJ is always good for a tool throwing shot. Tool don't work? Throw it.

A video segment featuring Dr. Jerry Punchy looking for hashbrowns and sausage. THEY HAVE DIFFERENT FOOD IN JAPAN. My enjoyment of the race is greatly enhanced.

Interview of Andretti reliving St. Petersburg. Reveals he's thinking of changing his name to Andretti-George.

Chippy -- interview. After last race's Kanaan-punting-Briscoe event. Calls it a racing incident. Question: "How close are you to stopping getting your butt kicked every race?" (I'm paraphrasing.) Answer: "We're working hard. Don't have it figured out. We'll be back soon."

Modern Day Samurai Warriors! Reference number one. There will be two more.

Tony Kanaan qualifies 10th. I think he does it on purpose to get the "charge through the field" air time.

Panther: 0 wins. 19 DNFs in 36 races. Not so good.

We are green-green-green. ABC needs someone to say something like Boggity-boggity-boggity. Work on it, Scott Goodyear.

Danica makes a sweet move on Sam to take the lead. Shout out to her.

Yellow. DRR's Bucknum bends it. Bend it like Bucknum. Takes out Dixon. Ganassi is snakebit.

Robbie Buhl gets air time for the wrong reason. Probing question: "Your car just hit the wall. How do you feel?"

Turn 4 -- Dead Bull racing. A Red Bull car is out. I think it's Barron. The bulls all look the same.

Long yellow clean up. Seems like it takes about 72 minutes.

Green.

Danica goes to second. WE HAVE COMPLETED AN ENTIRE LAP! Standing ovation.

Roger Yasukawa charging forward! Gets some in-car video action.

Sharp third. Roger 13th. More in-car with Roger.

Scheckter dropping. TS got the word not to roll it. Bring it home in one piece. Don't try to lead lap 18. Be patient. Appears to be listening for now, but the race is young and Scheckter is restless. BAH, the Young and the Restless.

Danica pits. Todd Harris EMOTES about what a great pit stop it was. She sat in her car just like a PRO. AMAZING.

Phantom Yellow for "debris."

Vitor blows up. Got the back cowling off. Not good. Vitor can't buy a break. He's the stepchild Rahal car.

Announcers are very impressed with Danica. Repeatedly express their impressment. She is THE SHIT.

Buddy gets black flagged for blocking. Brian Barnhart is CRACKING DOWN. Gives him a stop and go.

Roger blows up. Shit! Bad because, 1) He blew up and I dig him and 2) Buddy gets a break and doesn't lose a lap. Tremendous video of Roger's car going off like old faithful.

Nice shout out for DRR's Racing for Kids program on the video.

TK needs to get a new fueler. Guy don't got his schwerve on.

Dario drives it into the wall. Nice. Just drive up into the gray there, Dario. No big deal.

Danny "Mr. Shoes" Weldon wants to lead. He's a leader. Apparently his name came up in the ping-pong-ball lotto in the AGR pit marked "Who Leads Now?" Announcers report that Danny was concerned that maybe he put Dario into the wall. Dario will probably yell at him later for not taking the grass to give him room.

I admit I dozed off here due to the 54-minute yellow clean up. I THINK they clipped the tape and showed Ed hitting the wall. Vision into the Wall. Wall Vision. It's good they cut out some green laps rather than Dr. Punchy's quest for hashbrowns at the start of the show.

Something about Helio getting blacked for blocking. Again, I dozed off a bit, so I'm fuzzy. Color me shocked. Helio? Blocking?. NOOOOOOOO. Brian is apparently CRACKING DOWN.

First Chevy to lead. National holiday declared. Pigs are flying! Scheckter changes strategy and decide it's important to lead LATE in the race, rather on lap 5.

Danica is 9th. Harris speculates that she may be bushed out. She may be fatigued. He's very concerned. But she's doing a GREAT job. Later we find out it was a "fuel strategy." I wonder why her "fuel strategy" made her give up a position to her teammate, Buddy "Minute" Rice. Team orders? Sorry. Got a little black helicopter on ya.

October 2003 is the last time Chevy won.

Scheckter could run out of gas. Much speculation about the gas situation.

Sam in for gas. Kanaan out of gas. (Note to the anal, I know they don't run on "gasoline.")

Scheckter out of gas! Many GM engine people toss themselves off the top of the Twin Ring. An estimated three who care/know about the IRL program back at GM headquarters are inconsolable, until someone mentioned Jeff Gordon.

The thrilling end of the race is determined by who has gas (ok, methanol. Happy?). And, Helio hits the wall, so we finish yellow. Dan Weldon. Slop city. Shades of Richmond last year. Rice is third. Danica fourth. She drove a good race. Give her props. I expect her to pop off about Sarah afterwards.

Shocker 1 -- An AGR car wins! Shocker 2 -- Weldon does donuts after he wins!

Army takes strong accountability stance, demotes some reservist general or something

The Army today followed the White House's example and took a tough stance on accountability by "demoting some Reservist general or some shit like that," in response to the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal.

Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski, whose Army Reserve unit was in charge of the prison when it became something out of Apocalypse Now, was demoted to bird colonel. President George "Mr. Accountability" Bush signed off on the demotion.

"What can I say?" Bush said, "Karpinski was way up river."

Meanwhile, Lt. Gen. "Ricky" Ricardo Sanchez, theoretically the top Army general in Iraq at the time of the prisoner abuses, got word that he was "golden" and could go about his business, free of cares that he would be held accountable for anything.

Bush also planned to reward Sec. of Defense Donald "Armor Plated" Rumsfeld for his leadership conducting a war to pre-empt the use of phantom weapons of mass destruction with several medals and by forcing Wyoming to be re-named "Rumsoming."

I have a blog. I'm hip!

If you've come here to see my blog, you have wasted valuable seconds of your life.

No, wait, Paula Abdul. Guilty? No. She just called the guy for 155 minutes to talk about the weather!

There. I've added to the public discourse. Long live theFirst Amendment!